Post # 1
My dad has invited 8 people now without asking me or FI first. Some neighbors who just moved in by my parents, some 2nd or 3rd cousins he bumped in to a the hospital while visiting another relative, and a family friend who has literally not seen me since I was 9 years old.
When I told him he had to stop doing that, he got LIVID with me.
I tried to explain to him that inviting a ton of people who don’t know me or FI from a hole in the wall looks like we’re getting gift grabby and just inviting who evers names we can pull out of our asses so we can rack up presents.
He argued that people like weddings and giving gifts… I said YES Dad, for people they KNOW. It would be one thing if you and/or mom were super close with them, but you’re not either. Inviting people just because you chatted with them recently does not meet the criteria of “nearest and dearest”, and I think it has the potential to come off as greedy.
My mom agrees with me. So he’s pissed at both of us now.
His latest invites also put us over our ceremony space capacity, which I would have been happy to tell him if he’d asked me first…
UHHGGGG…. I tried so so hard to not have one of these “moments”…. but everyone said it was inevitable, either with FI or his parents or my parents at some point in the planning process, and i guess they were right.
/throws hands up in the air and listens to some good music/
Post # 3
@mandypop: Hopefully not all of those impulse invites will show up!
Post # 4
Do you really think that they will show up? That really is a tough situation. I hope that it all works out… Wish I had something more useful to say! (hugs!)
Post # 5
Oh my goodness! Well, I’m glad your mom is backing you up on this, and that you filled him in on why it was not cool.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel- 1> don’t send them a formal invite if you didn’t extend the invite (if your dad is in charge of paying/hosting, well that may be a little trickier, but he should at least be required to track down addresses first) and 2> many people run late, miss, or skip the ceremony for various reasons, so even if these “surprise guests” do decide to come, there may well be space for everyone.
But I totally agree, your pops has to stop making so many friends! 😉
Post # 6
I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this. It’s sticky and stressful.
At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is the oh holy budget. Who is paying for the wedding? You? If you are paying for the wedding, then you are fully within your right to march back to your dad and say, “Okay, it costs $x per head. You’ve invited 25 heads, so you need to shell out for $x x 25” (you don’t need to say it that combatitively, but you at least need to get it htrough his head that at the end of the day, the butts in the pew = $$$, so he cant’ just keep inviting people.
You also need to sit down with Dad and explain that the space capacity issue is also a hard-and-true fact and while you admire his hospitality and respect the fact that he’s excited and wants to share the wedding with everyone, you don’t want to be in the position of having to disappoint people.
Post # 7
dad needs to be smack about the head by mom – who invites random neighbors that have just moved in
stay firm and keep the message constant! goodluck
Post # 8
@StuporDuck: @MissCT: It could go either way honestly – because they all live within half an hour of the wedding. I’m honestly more worried that they’ll be like “ehhh, we wont really know anyone, so we’ll just decline and send a gift”. I would feel icky and TERRIBLE if that happened…
@indibee: thanks 🙂 Im not in total panic mode about the ceremony space because I’m banking on at least half a dozen declines…. *fingers crossed now though* My parents are very generously contributing – but we’re still paying for most of it ourselves, and I don’t think that my dad gets that every person = more money on top of the gift grabbyness issue.
Hopefully he’ll cool off by tomorrow. I sent him an email to explain the capacities and the gift grabby thing in more detail – I figure it might make more sense in writing, and out of the context of an argument.
Post # 9
Just don’t send the invite. Hopefully they’ll know, “Hey, my daughter’s getting married, you should come,” isn’t a legit invite. It’s not your responsibility to invite everyone your dad talks to. That’ll just look bad on him for throwing invites out there without considering the bride or venue capacity.
Unless he’s paying. Then that just sucks.
Post # 10
Did he just invite them verbally? Did he give exact details? Can you get away with just not sending them an invite?
Post # 11
@sweetpea87: I think once he calms down he will probably say “fine Ill pay for them” – but thats going to have to be a discussion with my mom too… heh… and it still leaves me over capacity and feeling icky about having total strangers feel obligated to buy us presents.
@HeMadeMeWantTo: Thats how the argument started. I said, sorry dad, I cant, and mentioned the points I made above. He did the very typical dad thing and said “this isnt up for discussion. they’re invited. end of story”. I felt like I was 15 again – hadn’t heard that line in a while 😛
Post # 12
Weddings are, in large part, about setting boundaries and showing your families that you and your FI are a new family unit that have the right to make your own decisions that they have to respect. Stand firm!
Post # 13
He’s probably just really excited for you and your upcoming wedding, however, this is not ok =/ I hope that he calms down and you can sit down and have an adult conversation with him soon.
Post # 14
@crayfish: thats actually a really good perspective. Thank you. Fortunately since my mom is on my side with this one, I don’t feel completely terrible – but – bad enough that Im sitting here on the couch at 2am with a knot in my stomach. I think its the first fight I’ve had with my dad since I moved out 10 years ago!
Post # 15
Thanks ladies… I don’t have anything more to add, but I hate when I give someone a thoughtful response and they don’t acknowledge it, so thank you 🙂
Post # 16
Maybe you could explain to your dad that extra people aren’t just X amount of extra dinners/drinks, but also if you’re doing rentals for everything at each place setting, stationery for invites & place cards, favours etc.
And sometimes extra people with venue capacity means bumping up to bigger rooms for higher costs. My friend had her in-laws add nearly 20 extras less than 2mths before the wedding, they then had to change rooms at the hotel the recption was at, and of course the bigger room cost more money.
So yeah – maybe if you frame just how big it is to add extras to your list, it’s not just grabbing a couple of extra chairs to a dinner table, then he might understand better?