Post # 1
So here’s my dilemama, my father and I are just now rekindeling our relationship after 20+ years, because my grandmother passed away and he had a realization he will be a lonely man without his children. Soo needless to say he hasn’t been there for alot of things in my life, and has mad excuses to leave during others (ie:college graduation), so I have decided that my younger brother who has pretty much been like a father should have, is walking me down the isle. However, my brother and my father are not talking and there is alot of tension between them, so that makes telling my dad even more difficult. I love my father even after he has damaged my family tremendously and I want to have my father daughter dance with him I just don’t know how to tell him that I don’t think he deserved the honor of walking me down the isle because he has NEVER been there for me. I also want to feel as relaxed and as comfortable as possible in that moment which is another reason why I chose my brother. Any suggestions???
Post # 3
I think the way you explained it here sounds good. Give the background and then just tell him. I’d also tell him you want him to do the daddy/daughter dance so your making a compromise.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Explain to him that it’s important to you to honor your brother in this way because he’s beenbyyour sidethrough ALL of life’s hardships (not just those specifically related to an absent father) and so you’d like him to have that honor. But, you’d also like to continue rebuilding your relationship with him (it wont be shocking to him, he knows he’s been MIA) and would like to give him the honor of a father-daughter dance.
Just make it matter of fact, and don’t apologize for your decision– if he wanted to have a more prominant role in your wedding, he should have had a more prominant role in your life.
Post # 5
I had a very similar situation. I had been out of contact with my dad for 15 years prior to getting married. We reconnected about a year before the wedding. I had always planned on having my mother walk me down, but I decided to have them both do it.
My father was hugely upset that he didn’t get to do it alone, and my mother felt the same way. I thought the best compromise was to use both.
Post # 6
I think you have to just be honest with your dad and tell him that you want your brother to do this and that you will do the dance with him. If he genuinely wants a relationship, he’ll understand. (And if he doesn’t, and he’s going to make it all about him, it’d be just as well to find that oout sooner rather than later.)
Post # 7
My father isn’t walking me down the aisle either and I know he is hurt by it. For along time growing up, he just wasn’t there for me, my step-dad was. My step-dad, out of respect for my dad, refused to walk me down the aisle (I respect him for that decision) so my son is walking me down the aisle.
I had a nice sitdown with my dad, acknowledged that I understood that he feelings may be hurt but I had to make the best decision for me. I explained that while I love him and care for him very much that I wanted the person who has been by my side and supported me the most throughout my relationship with FI (my son is 18) to be the one to present me to my new husband. I also asked him if he would do me the honor of doing a father daughter dance with me. I asked it that way so that he would know that i was asking him, and that it would be a gift to me for him to dance with me.
Post # 8
I dread the day I get married for this exact reason. My father has not been strongly present in my life for the last 12 years. By that I mean we literally exchange Christmas presents via my brother. This is a relationship I really want to rekindle. I know he would be hurt if we were rekindled and I didn’t ask him, but asked my stepfather instead, just as I know my stepfather (who HAS been there everyday of the last 12+ years) would be hurt if I asked my father to walk me. Stinks! I’ve also pondered having my brother walk me down the aisle as well — but then they would both be hurt? I have no advice, really, but, if you feel you would rather you brother walk you down, stick with that feeling. I’m sorry! 🙁
Post # 9
That was exactly what happened with me – except we’d been estranged for about 5 years, I had my Mom walk me down the aisle, and wanted to do a father-daughter dance with him. He declined to attend the wedding, his family pulled out with him, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. So… good luck!
Post # 10
Very similar… I’m having my Mom walk me, and not doing a dance. Leaves more time for the party, anyway 🙂