Weddingbee boards

Let me start off this post by saying that my fiance and I are planning on paying for the wedding entirely by ourselves, so my dad (thus far) has absolutely no financial input regarding our wedding plans. He has offered to pay -- basically he went as far as to say that he/my mother EXPECT to pay (or at least contribute a large percentage) for the wedding. However, BECAUSE we want to maintain control of the planning decisions and overall vision of our wedding, my fiance and I have decided not to accept financial help UNLESS it comes tied to something in particular (ex. photography, officiant, venue, etc.). My fiance and I have also made this clear to my parents multiple times. Now, that said, let's get to the meat of the issue:

SHORT VERSION: My fiance and I are planning on serving hors d'oeuvres and dessert only at our wedding (BUT there will be enough food to serve as a full meal, and our reception is planned to go from 2:30-5:30), and my dad hates the idea & thinks people won't come. What can I say to him? Should I change the wording of our invitations? Would you come? (Just FYI, we're not interested in comments about how our wedding will be "tacky" -- thanks.)

My dad HATES a bunch of our wedding plans. He wants us to get married in the church I grew up going to, despite the fact that I am athiest -- which he KNOWS -- and that my fiance is an entirely different religion. He wants us to have our reception at a golf course country club, which is a nice enough place, but not what my fiance and I envision for our wedding, plus it's difficult to get to and 90% of our guests are from out of town. He wants us to have an open bar and full plated meal and the whole shebang; we DO NOT have room in the budget for this, plus I don't want to be paying for people to get sloppy drunk -- which WILL happen if we have an open bar -- not to mention that in the city I'm in, if you choose to serve a full plated meal, you have to choose one set menu for everybody (no "choose beef/pork/chicken" -- it's beef for EVERYONE, and screw it if they're vegetarian/allergic to the sauce/etc.).

My fiance and I plan to have our ceremony in a (small) indoor amphitheatre, and then have the reception at a nearby art gallery (literally a 5 minute walk through an underground pedway -- which my fiance and I thought was AWESOME, since our wedding will be in February in Canada). Both sites are in the heart of downtown (where a lot the hotels are -- remember, we have a lot of OOT guests), easily-accessible by public transit, and there's an underground parkade by the theatre (that is connected to the afore-mentioned pedway). For our reception, we want to do a cocktail-style reception to encourage mingling/reuniting -- that way we can say hello to all our guests and chat and still get to taste our food!, and dancing isn't the only acceptable activity). So we're planning on having hors d'oeuvres, either passed or on tables around the room. That said, we're going to have a TON of them -- at least 15 per person, plus a dessert bar & wedding cupcakes -- and the reception is letting out around 5:30-6:00 (so it's technically not a dinner-time reception). We're also planning on having a wine-tasting to be paired with the hors d'oeuvres, but people will then have to pay for their own drinks past that (cash bars are quite common where I'm from, so it shouldn't be a huge shock). However, my dad is INSISTING that no one will come if the invitations say "hors d'oeuvres" -- this on top of the fact that he's disappointed we're not getting married in a church, and frustrated that we're not pouring booze down everyone's throats.

Let me just head off any comments regarding whether I should/should not be having hors d'oeuvres only/a cash bar/etc. -- my fiance and I have made our decision, and not without considering all sides of the issue and agonizing about the conclusion we came to. However, our venue's prices for a buffet/plated dinner, as well as liquor, are astronomical, and they don't allow outside catering. Plus, we LIKE the compromise we've come to -- we like the atmosphere this type of reception will create, and we like the price. So we're not interested in hearing about how what we're doing is tacky/causing Emily Post to roll over in her grave/not what you would do. (I'm sure you're all well-meaning, but there's just no point to go into it.)

Does anyone have any ideas what I can say to my dad? Or, alternatively, what to say on the invitations? (One variation I came up with was to put "cocktail reception to follow", instead of specifying hors d'oeuvres only. Of course, on our wedding website I'll go into more detail, and I won't lie to people if they call, but I don't want people to assume that we're not going to feed them -- we're providing more than enough food, it's just in convenient (and budget-friendly) bite-sized form!

@busterbluth: Thanks -- I was worried about that. Hmm...I guess I'll have to think of another wording!

@farmgirl2106: I know, right? I love appetizers and dessert -- there are a couple restaurants in town where that's all I'll eat because they're so good! (And easier to share, and you get to try more things, which is a double-bonus in my books.)

@nmsoonerbride: That's what I thought (and what my mom says) -- that people come to weddings to celebrate a marriage, not just for the free food. : / My dad seems to think differently, though.... Also, our reception is planned to go from abour 2:30 - 5:30, so people will be getting out just as suppertime is starting.

@bluespurrs: & @NYE Gal: Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with your own hors d'oeuvres receptions. : ) Now I can tell my dad that it's not just me who's doing it either! Hah!

@MissHoneyBun: Would you suggest perhaps putting "heavy hors d'oeuvres" on the invites, instead of just "hors d'oeuvres", to try to communicate to people that They Will Be Fed? Thanks!

@smyley: LOL, thanks. We may get to bump our date up to 2012...it depends on when my fiance's internship is. : )

It sounds like you've already taken some criticism from your Dad and possibly some other people in your life about that.  From your post, it sounds like you're expecting people to jump on you for this, but I think your idea for your wedding sounds fantastic.  I think calling it "hors d'oerves and dessert reception" is fine, as well as not specifying based on the timing of your wedding.

If anyone has an issue with not being served a seated dinner at 3 in the afternoon, they don't have to come.  It's not like you're having a clambake (or chili cookoff or something else food-specific) and people won't come if they don't like clams.  It's your wedding and if someone is only coming because they want a free meal, then you may not even want them there anyway.

I definitely think you should hold your ground here and not worry about what other people think.  Your wedding sounds lovely, and it sounds like you're doing what works for you rather than having some big church wedding just for show when that's the opposite of the type of wedding you want.

Wow, everyone, I'm overwhelmed! : ) I guess like @Entangled: said, I was expecting people to jump down my throats about the "etiquette" of it, and rant at me about how nobody at all will show up. I am SO glad to be able to confirm once again that the 'Bee is a lovely, understanding site. Thank you all so much for all your kind words.

Okay, so I think we're going to go one of two ways: either we'll say "heavy hors d'oeuvres & dessert to follow" or "reception immediately following". What do you guys think is better? The reception line & specifying on the website, or being completely upfront on the invite?

Oh my gosh, that's exactly what we want to do (the small "cocktail-style" reception, and then having a private dinner afterwards with wedding party & immediate family)! : ) Glad to hear it worked out well for you.

@Oribel013690: Thanks for your input. At one point we would have loved to serve our guests a full (seated) meal; however, all of the venues in the city we're having our wedding in only let you choose one menu option for a plated meal -- i.e. your guests don't have the option of choosing chicken, vegetarian, or beef; you choose chicken for everyone, and if some of your guests are vegetarian/allergic to the chicken/etc., then they just don't eat. And, ultimately, there are too many different food restrictions between our families to have that work (my fiance is allergic to practically everything, there are a couple vegetarians and a vegan attending, and lots more people with serious allergies). So, while yes, it would be much more expensive to have a plated meal, it's also just not possible in terms of logistics for us. As for a buffet, my fiance has major issues against having one of those (plus the room we'll be in would be too cramped to handle a buffet & enough banquet tables for everyone to sit at), so we decided against one.

Also, there will be more than enough hors d'oeuvres to constitute a full meal, not just "almost" enough -- we're making sure of that. : ) There will be at least 15 per person, plus dessert, and the reception is not at a pre-sanctioned meal time, so I think that the amount of food will be find. I'm just trying to find a way to communicate that to our guests/my dad, instead of them jumping to the conclusion that we're not going to feed them (because of course we will!).

@LaWeez: This is good news to me (that people came from overseas to attend your wedding), because at least two of the families we're inviting are international (UK & US), and then there are the people who live in NB/BC (we're in Alberta). Did you put on the invitations that there would just be hors d'oeuvres, or did you just say "reception to follow"?

@luckyprincess: Oooh, good idea about the pictures. : ) I'll definitely mention it!