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I would definitely call him rather than email him. I think if you email, he'll try to call you anyway. How about something like this:
"Hi dad - there's something I need to talk to you about, and I'm not sure you're going to like the conversation. There's not easy way to tell you this, but I would like my brother to walk me down the aisle. He's been there for me my entire life, and it's important to both him and I that he is the one who walks me down the aisle. This in no way affects me wanting both you and stepmom at the wedding. It would mean the world to me that you're there, but I just need to be able to do this with my brother. We've been a team all of our lives, and I feel that he's the right person to give me away."
Then, let him talk. Listen to what he has to say. Expect him to be disappointed b/c he most likely will be, but hopefully, the way you approach it will help him not be angry with you. He can't be angry that you want someone who has been there for you for your entire life to give you away. I think it's incredibly sweet that your brother is giving you away, and I hope everything goes smoothly with talking to your dad.
Maybe direct is the way to go?
My dad's sister/my aunt said that he thinks he is walking me down and I just don't know how to ask him. I kind of think the man is delusional if he 100% believed that he was going to get this honor.
hear hear, 2peasinapod nailed it. I think you made a good choice - good luck!!!
I think direct is the only way to go. It sounds like he's aware that he's been kind of an absentee father. He will probably be upset but you have a right to choose a man close to you. He will most likely feel guilty that he's created an awkwardrelationship with you. Maybe, if you wanted to honor him in some way, you can do the father/daughter dance with him at the reception?
Sounds like your dad somewhat understands the situation already. Do you still want to do a father daughter dance?
I'd definately do it by phone and express what you said here you want them to come and father/daughter dance? or whatever else you want help with to help them feel included but that you think it would mean a lot to have your bro walk you down the aisle since he's been so supportive of you through the years.
First of all, (((hugs)))! I know how disappointing a bad relationship with your father can be. My brother, who is also 3 1/2 years younger, is walking me down the aisle too, so I can totally relate to what you are going through and the difficult discussion you have to have. I absolutely get what you said about not wanting to be given away by a man who didn't honor his own marriages. That was a big deal to me as well. I also felt like my brother was a much better "ambassador" of my family than my father, as my father tore my family apart and continues to hurt us.
2PeasinaPod had great advice. When I told my dad, I put as much focus on my brother as I could. My FI was there when I told him (in person), which I think kept my dad from being rude to me about it. However, I have to tell you there has been some backlash. I don't know how your dad's family or his wife will react, but I would prepare yourself for some people to be offended and not understand. What's important is that it is right for YOU, though. Stay strong and don't let yourself question it. I did for a little while but realized I shouldn't second guess my choice. Good luck!
Thank you all for the advice! This has really been a nightmare since his family thinks it's crappy I am doing this and most of them are involved in the wedding in some aspect. And I know my aunt/his sister wanted to give him the heads up last night but I asked her not to.
@danielle - Wow, it's refreshing to see someone with a similar story! I'm happy it all worked out for you and I hope it keeps going smooth through to your wedding.
I think it weill be hard telling my grandma that he isn't walking me down.
Thanks, Champagne :) I would go ahead and talk to him soon, though, as your wedding date isn't far away and you wouldn't want to be dealing with that right before your wedding. Also, you really don't want him to hear it from someone else - that's just unnecessary drama.
Chanpagne Wishes,
I am so incredibly sorry that you have gone through this. Everything in your story reminds me of my relationship with my father (minus the cheating). I too have no relationship with my biological father. I have talked to him twice since we got engaged (birthday and christmas)
I think that your dad (like mine) is out of his mind if he thinks he deserves to walk you down the aisle. My FI and I decided to invite him to our wedding just like any guest.
Good luck on how you tell him.
You definitely are a woman of principles and I like that a alot. It shows character and the PC stuff is out the window. Your dad blew it and this is not your fault that your brother stepped up to the plate instead of him. I would tell him the way it is, "Dad, my brother has been the closest thing to a father figure for me while growing up (although he's younger than me) and for that reason, I want to express to him how important his influence has been on me by giving me away in place of you. You will always be my dad but you were never there for me when my brother always was. I hope you understand". This would be what I would say if it were me.
K
Thanks everyone!
I tried to psych myself up to have the conversation tonight but I just am not ready. I think I will do it tomorrow night and just get right to the point. My FH and I are going to practice the convo tonight so I can try to relax. I guess I shouldn't had let it go this long but too late now.
I will let you know how it goes!
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Hey Hive,
I need some advice. But first, the back story.
My parent's divorced with I was 5. My Mom kept us in NY near her family and my Dad's family but my Dad moved to Alabama and basically called on holidays and birthdays. He would visit while on business but that was about twice a year or less.
When the Mister and I got engaged, I called him that same day and gave him the good news. Though we are not close at all and are almost strangers, I felt like I had to tell him since I am super close with all of his family. And I think there is a little part of me that wishes we could be closer and be "daddy's little girl".
Anyway, after I called him, he emailed me the following day to express that he wished we had a better relationship and wanted to work on improving it and being more in my life. We shared our feelings from over the years and agreed to try anew.
That didn't last long. It's been a year on the 21st since our engagement and my father and I have talked 4 times (he missed my birthday, again) and we have emailed a handful of times.
Even if we did rebuild our relationship, I don't think I want a man who hasn't been faithful to any woman in his life to give me away. He cheated on my mother, his girlfriend and his current wife/my step mom (it's not hear-say, one woman knew I was his daughter, saw me in a store and faked a phone call telling her friend that she "just got back from a trip with Dad Wishes"...slut). I don't want my marriage to start off with that.
He is very well-off, yet he decided not to pay for his out-of-town extended family, like my mom and the Mister's parents are, so we can't invite his cousins who his immediate family is close with but not me.
Basically, I need to tell him that he is not walking me down the aisel and that my brother, who has been the man-in-my-life since he was 18months and I was 5, will be walking with me.
How do I do this? I really want to email but I'm sure a call is better.
I still want him and his wife ther and I want them to walk down together with my grandma but I am ready for this not to go smoothly and them to not come at all.
What would you do? And how do I say this gently?
Thanks for your help and thoughts!