(Closed) My dad is not walking me down… how do I tell him?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I would definitely call him rather than email him. I think if you email, he’ll try to call you anyway. How about something like this:

“Hi dad – there’s something I need to talk to you about, and I’m not sure you’re going to like the conversation. There’s not easy way to tell you this, but I would like my brother to walk me down the aisle. He’s been there for me my entire life, and it’s important to both him and I that he is the one who walks me down the aisle. This in no way affects me wanting both you and stepmom at the wedding. It would mean the world to me that you’re there, but I just need to be able to do this with my brother. We’ve been a team all of our lives, and I feel that he’s the right person to give me away.”

Then, let him talk. Listen to what he has to say. Expect him to be disappointed b/c he most likely will be, but hopefully, the way you approach it will help him not be angry with you. He can’t be angry that you want someone who has been there for you for your entire life to give you away. I think it’s incredibly sweet that your brother is giving you away, and I hope everything goes smoothly with talking to your dad.

Post # 5
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

hear hear, 2peasinapod nailed it.  I think you made a good choice – good luck!!!

Post # 6
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think direct is the only way to go.  It sounds like he’s aware that he’s been kind of an absentee father.  He will probably be upset but you have a right to choose a man close to you.  He will most likely feel guilty that he’s created an awkwardrelationship with you.  Maybe, if you wanted to honor him in some way, you can do the father/daughter dance with him at the reception?

Post # 7
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Sounds like your dad somewhat understands the situation already.  Do you still want to do a father daughter dance? 

I’d definately do it by phone and express what you said here you want them to come and father/daughter dance? or whatever else you want help with to help them feel included but that you think it would mean a lot to have your bro walk you down the aisle since he’s been so supportive of you through the years. 

Post # 8
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

First of all, (((hugs)))! I know how disappointing a bad relationship with your father can be. My brother, who is also 3 1/2 years younger, is walking me down the aisle too, so I can totally relate to what you are going through and the difficult discussion you have to have. I absolutely get what you said about not wanting to be given away by a man who didn’t honor his own marriages. That was a big deal to me as well. I also felt like my brother was a much better “ambassador” of my family than my father, as my father tore my family apart and continues to hurt us.

2PeasinaPod had great advice. When I told my dad, I put as much focus on my brother as I could. My Fiance was there when I told him (in person), which I think kept my dad from being rude to me about it. However, I have to tell you there has been some backlash. I don’t know how your dad’s family or his wife will react, but I would prepare yourself for some people to be offended and not understand. What’s important is that it is right for YOU, though. Stay strong and don’t let yourself question it. I did for a little while but realized I shouldn’t second guess my choice. Good luck!

Post # 10
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Thanks, Champagne 🙂 I would go ahead and talk to him soon, though, as your wedding date isn’t far away and you wouldn’t want to be dealing with that right before your wedding. Also, you really don’t want him to hear it from someone else – that’s just unnecessary drama.

Post # 12
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Chanpagne Wishes,

I am so incredibly sorry that you have gone through this.  Everything in your story reminds me of my relationship with my father (minus the cheating).  I too have no relationship with my biological father.  I have talked to him twice since we got engaged (birthday and christmas)

I think that your dad (like mine) is out of his mind if he thinks he deserves to walk you down the aisle.  My Fiance and I decided to invite him to our wedding just like any guest. 

Good luck on how you tell him.  

Post # 13
28 posts
  • Wedding: January 2010

You definitely are a woman of principles and I like that a alot.  It shows character and the PC stuff is out the window.  Your dad blew it and this is not your fault that your brother stepped up to the plate instead of him.  I would tell him the way it is, “Dad, my brother has been the closest thing to a father figure for me while growing up (although he’s younger than me) and for that reason, I want to express to him how important his influence has been on me by giving me away in place of you. You will always be my dad but you were never there for me when my brother always was. I hope you understand”.  This would be what I would say if it were me.


Post # 15
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I wish you the best with this. Have you told him yet?

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