Post # 1
I finally mustared up the courage to tell my dad he isn’t walking me down the aisle (mind you, we emailed once in January, talked at Christmas and before that it was summer) and he didn’t take it well.
He actually thought he deserved the honor of walking me down.
His wife and I spoke yesterday because she wanted to explain how he thought I wanted him out of my life.
I told her it’s not the case but our relationship has been too weak for too long for him to get this privilage. And that my brother was the man in my life and is one of my best friends and he needs to be more than a groomsmen to me.
She repeated over and over how SHE was going to make the relationship between him and I better and stronger and lasting forever.
He and I tried to rebuild literally the day after the Mister and I got engaged. He wanted that, I was gamed but I was NOT about to be the one doing it all. Needless to day, our “rebuild” lasted about 6 weeks.
Anyhow, I just feel bad that he feels bad but I am sticking to my guns. I know in my heart this new effort is going to fall flat.
I guess he doesn’t want to come to the rehearsal dinner because he is ashamed. She said she told him they are going and will hold their heads high and get through.
I don’t like hurting people and I know he is hurting but I’m doing the right thing. Can you all just remind me IT IS the right thing?
Post # 3
I think that you are incredibly strong to stand up for what you believe in your heart. And I know that your brother is going to be so excited to be the one to walk you down that aisle on your big day.
Personally, I think that if your father really wanted to rebuild your relationship, he would make this whole experience less about him and what he thinks he “deserves” and more about making sure he does whatever he can to support you on your big day, no matter what role he plays.
Post # 4
YES!!! You absolutely made the right decision. Want to know why? Because if your dad wants an improved relationship with you, it needs to be for the sake of an improved.relationship.with.you. NOT so that he can walk down the aisle with you and feel good about ‘being a dad’ when he wasn’t acting like one until it compromised something he wanted.
If he truly does turn over a new leaf, great! You’ll have a relationship with him, and that’s enough!
As for now, your brother will be perfect to walk you down, and if dad really cares he’ll understand that in the end.
Post # 5
you definitely did the right thing. I’m in the same boat as you. Not sure if I mentioned that in your last post. But I decided last week that I would rather have my grandparents come to my wedding than have my dad who I never talk to, unless i call him, not even on my birthdays or christmas/any other holiday.
Good luck with the relationship rebuild!! make sure to let us know how it goes
Post # 6
To me, it is TOTALLY different that you want your brother to walk you down the aisle than if you were, say, walking alone. If you were walking alone that would be kind of an insult (although probably still a deserved one!) because it would be kind of a “I dont want you next to me” thing. This is about choosing the BEST person who has been there for you the MOST. You are not doing this to hurt your father, you’re doing it to HONOR your brother.
Post # 7
I think you are definitely doing the right thing–picking your brother is what feels right in your heart and what makes the most sense to me, seeing as how you say he’s the best man in your life.
As far as your father, he probably IS ashamed that he’s being outed as a “bad” dad (for lack of better words) but maybe it’ll help in the rebuild process and he’ll want to prove to you he will be there for you from now on.
Remind him what Corgi said: You are not doing this to hurt your father, you’re doing it to HONOR your brother. She hit the nail on the head
Post # 8
I’m so happy you all got back to me so fast! Thank you, I really needed it! I literally couldn’t sleep last night because I was thinking about it and feeling bad about hurting his feelings.
But you are right, it’s very much about him… I didn’t even notice that! And yes, for the sake of a relationship and not bragging rights.
And it shouldn’t take me getting engaged to trigger him wanting a better relationship.
Post # 9
Perfect thought Corgi! That is exactly it.
Post # 10
There are consequences to one’s actions. If you ignore your child for years – that means you are not going to have a close relationship with that child – if it was important to you you should have behaved differently. Simple.
It is sad that so many men of previous generations thought that there were no consequences to delegating the raising of their child but that is just too bad. Children aren’t trophies you earn for contributing genetic material, they are human beings.
Post # 11
I’m just wondering if you are going to have a “Who gives this woman?” moment in your ceremony? My dad walked me down the aisle, handed me off to my DH, then went to his seat. The reverend talked for a while before he got to that part, and my dad answered that he did (although I wish I would have had both him AND my mom answer for that…)
Anyway, just wondering who is “giving you away” or if you’re taking that part out of the script? Doesn’t sound like your dad deserves that honor either, honestly I think your mom should answer that, or your brother.
You totally made the right decision. If he REALLY loves and cares about you, he will make the effort to continue the relationship REGARDLESS of who you choose to walk you down the aisle. And honestly, he’s a grown man, why is his WIFE having to step in at all?
Post # 12
i think you are a sweetheart for feeling the way you do, obvi you care for your father, even tho you don’t have the best relationship.
i think your dad is just feeling the initial pangs of human emotion… i hope in the long run, he sees the bigger picture, and why your brother truly deserves to give you away, as he was the main man in your life thus far.
good for you for having the balls to have that tough conversation, i hope there’s no dramz on the BIG DAY and that you have a fabulous wedding!
Post # 13
@Mighty – Yes, my brother is walking me to the alter where we will meet my mom who will give me away. He really has been an absent father and I don’t think he deserves any of the honors really. He is walking my Grandma and his wife down but the line is there.
I wish all of you with similar situations THE BEST LUCK with figuring it out.
My situation is not getting better but my family has a history of mental health issues and my wedding seems to be triggering lots of crazy behaviors. So I am going to sum it up to their “mental problems” and sit back and enjoy our wedding! Cause in the end, this is about the Mister and Me. I know it sounds selfish but I just don’t think I will ever make these people happy.