- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2013
I apologize for this long post but I just really need some perspective/support right now.My dad has been present in my life. Well, at least I used to think he was before I realized what a selfish person he really is. He’s a dog trainer and his job requires him to be constantly moving and traveling so it’s been that way all my life. My parents got divorced in 2007. I’m 25.<p>
My destination wedding was a 1 week lodge get away in the Smoky Mountains for all our family and only our closest friends. It was for all of us to spend quality time and enjoy the the area. He had known of the dates far in advance.<p>
The whole week leading up that he was having me look up flights for him. I spent hours looking for the “right” flight. This is while dealing with work, a million other stressors, and having to pack/do stuff up for the trip/wedding. He kept telling me of all the reasons why this was so hard for him to do and how inconvenient it was. I was so manipulated at that point I was just feeling so guilty that I was putting him through this when he had just arrived in a new city only 3 weeks prior. Mind you, he has been going through a lot lately so he never helped us for the wedding financially. We paid for everything ourselves. In fact, just back in September I loaned him $600 for some kind of business deal he was doing.<p>
That week leading up to the wedding it gradually went from him staying 4 days only, to him staying 3, to 2. He needed someone to pick him up at the airport (1.5 hours away from the lodge). I told him we were going to be incredibly busy but that I would be able to do it on Friday if he arrived before 3pm and one of my friends could take him back. I had to deal with all these stupid conversations during the most stressful week ever. This went on until he finally just said he would have to arrive the day before and leave immediately following the ceremony. So I once again had to play travel agent and search for specific flights at specific ever changing times. Alas, I found the *perfect* flight. Literally the only ones leaving in the small time frame he had given me. The cheapest airfare was going to be $1300. Did I mention I had told him many times to get his tickets in advance?!?<p>
This was Thursday and the wedding was Sunday. He said something about not having that money at the moment and was almost hinting at me to pay for his flight. I basically questioned where his money was going from the last three weeks. He makes pretty good money and he gets free lodging and has no expenses except gas, dog food, and eating out. That’s when he broke it to me that him and his ex girlfriend got back together. He has been sending her money to pay for her rent, bills, etc. I won’t even go too far into that but let’s just say they are toxic together and I’m convinced she just likes him when he’s got money to spend. Not for better or for worse, just for better. I was shocked. He struggles with heavy depression due to his rough childhood. Sometimes he drinks too much to self-medicate. He was just recently getting himself back in touch with reality and working on himself and he breaks it to me that he’s adding her and her two young kids (not his) into his dysfunctional equation. He tried to defend her and their relationship, I told him I am not his mother, and that I was SUPER busy so I didn’t have the time to deal with all that. Which was the honest truth.
I found out he wasn’t coming that Friday night. I was on the road to Tennessee when I found out and had a huge meltdown in the car. I was bawling like an 8 year old girl. He never flat out said “I am not coming” “I am so so sorry for doing this to you” or anything of the sort. He started the conversation with “I’m a good man and I’ve made a lot of sacrifices for you to live in America” and just kept saying that he was having some conflicts with finding someone to watch his dogs, that had to be in a new city the day after my wedding, yadiyadiyadi. At one point he even blamed me for changing the date (months ago) and I reminded him that when the wedding date changed he told me how glad he was because the old date (December) was going to be rough on him, I had to practically pull it out of him. “I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE OF YOUR EXCUSES. Are you coming, or are you not? Just be a man, take responsibility for it, and quit blaming everyone else for it!” He then had a pity party. And then I went on to tell him how this would not be happening if he had his priorities straight and planned ahead. I let him know real adults don’t act like that and gave him a piece of my mind. I told him he never helped me with any detail, morally, or financially for this wedding and that all I expected was for him to show up. Apparently, that was too much.<p>
We have not spoken since. That same evening was so painful. I had to explain to everyone I was reuniting with where my dad was. I didn’t know who was walking me and at that point I figured my FH and I could just walk up together. I reunited with 3 girlfriends I haven’t seen in a while and we all bawled our eyes out when we talked about it. <p>
I have always stood up for him when my mom and my sister were against him. I have always forgiven him for every single one of his offenses (and trust me, there have been MANY). I feel like this time I cannot. I will never be able to get over this. How can I possibly move past this? I feel physically ill because I feel like as much as I want to I can’t. Until he changes I don’t want him to be a part of my life or my future children’s lives. I feel so guilty for setting up these walls. I never want to speak to him again until that happens.<p>
What made me even angrier was he spoke to my sister a week after the wedding (everyone ignored his calls during our stay at the lodge) and asked her why I was so afraid to show pictures. He asked if it was because I was insecure since I’m fat. I’m so disgusted by him that I can’t stand having his last name or being associated with him. I originally wanted to keep my maiden name because it was important to me to not lose my identity after marriage but I can’t anymore. I feel like I have to take DH’s name now.<p>
It took this huge moment for me to realize that my dad is a selfish person who is only a part of my life when it is convenient for him. He does not put me or my sister first and never has. He doesn’t know how to love us like a true father should.