Post # 1
My only daughter got engaged for Christmas. Everyone is so very excited for her in our family! She and her fiancé and doing a short engagement and are aiming for August 2018.
I could just use some guidance, or maybe a reality check on how much weddings have changed since I got married back in the 80s. My husband and I are paying for the wedding, but our daughter has made it very clear to us that she does not want us involved in the planning. My husband and I were looks forward to helping with the process, but aside from going dress shopping, my daughter never really discussed us being involved even when asked. Often times they’ll come over or call and say “Oh, we met with the caterer/ DJ/ whomever today. We think we’re gonna go with them.” And then they’ll say they’ll send the invoice our way. I don’t want to make decisions for her and tell her who to decide on, but maybe our input should be considered before they just decide on something. To be fair, we set a budget with her and she’s it going over it
My husband and I are starting to feel like an ATM. We have had 2 specific times where we have spoken with her about this and she has said “Mom, you just stress me out. Just Let me do this” and again will ask she be left alone. We are also trying to keep in mind that my daughter is 28 and he is 38 so maybe we should give them space and let them do their own thing. But we are paying for everything at the end of the day.
Other than being slightly hurt that I’m not involved, I don’t really have a specific stance on whether or not I should be involved. I suppose I’m just asking if since we are paying, should we get some input? I’m asking because I don’t know, but I’m also tired of feeling like we’re just here to pay for things. We offered to pay so we put ourselves in this position. Should more boundaries be set? My daughter tends to get overwhelmed easily and we just want this to be as smooth as possible.
Post # 2
She sounds selfish, and entitled. How lucky she is to get her wedding completely paid for! I would set financial guidelines today, so you don’t get a huge surprise cost wise…
Post # 3
I’m sorry but it’s her wedding not yours. Why should your daughter and her FI have to run things past you? Either you are giving them an amount of money for the wedding out of the love in your heart or your are doing it as a way to control.
Post # 4
Even though you are paying, that doesn’t give you the “right” to accompy them to venues or caterers or make decisions.
In your heart of hearts, when you offered to pay for this wedding, was it because you had a vision of how things should be? Is that why you think your “input should be considered”?
Sounds like it’s about control.
If she is old enough to get married, she is old enough to make decisions without your input.
You got to have your wedding. This wedding is your daughters and her FI’s.
(Although personally, I would never pay for somebody’s wedding. It’s enabling them that their wants matter without making them do any sacrifice to achieve those wants. Not a good life lesson to teach somebody.)
The only advice I would give you is be firm with the two of them: “We are contributing X dollars to your wedding. Anything overbudget will not be paid by us.” And stick to your guns on that.
If she wants an overbudget princess day, let her fund it.
Post # 5
I’ve always been under the impression that when someone else is paying, they get to be involved. I don’t want to accuse her of being selfish or rude since I don’t know her, so I’m just going to assume that she’s very polite and simply doesn’t realize that you would like to be involved. Have you asked if there’s any way you could help or be a part of the planning process a bit more?
Post # 6
samael : I suppose that is what I am worried about. That she doesn’t run something by us and it ends up being way over budget. Then we ask her to reconsider and it causes an issue. Right now, her attitude is just “here is what we did. Now pay for it.” Writing this made me actually wonder if it’s her “leave me alone and just pay for it” attitude that is getting to me.
Post # 7
If the daughter wants to make all the decisions, she needs to be the one paying for them. Giving her a set amount of money for the wedding is one thing. Her sending you every invoice without your input is quite another. I think the Bees who criticized you are missing that part. Or they are just as entitled as your daughter is.
Time to have a serious talk. Or at least give her a budget.
Post # 8
lovelyruby : yes, like I stated above, my husband and I will always throw a line out and say we’re available if they want out company, but again her response is usually “mom you’re stressing me out. Leave me alone”. I’d never demand or invite myself.
Post # 9
When I married my ex, we paid for it ourselves. In that case we didn’t run anything by our parents. Now if either side offered to pay, then that would have been different.
Post # 10
It sounds like she just wants your money without any of the strings attached. I think in this situation I might consider just giving a lump sum of money towards the wedding for the couple to use as they see fit towards the wedding. That way you know exactly how much it’s going to cost you and don’t have to worry about blowing the budget, and they can do their own thing. You’d feel less like an ATM that way.
My parents paid for most of my wedding but I also gave them input in the choices that they’d be paying for. I think that’s just basic decency.
Post # 11
If you set a budget and she isn’t sticking to that, and isn’t asking any input from the bank, you mhjt want to cosider closing the bank. Give her the amount you are willing to allow her and if she wants to go over that, she will have to find that money somewhere. I think it is extrememly rude to expect someone to bankroll your party and not at least ask their opinion on if the cost is acceptable.
Post # 12
I’m a fan of “those who pay get a say” which is why I’m paying for the entire wedding myself. I’m making compromises for things that are important to others (like my MiL wanting to make my wedding cake and of course the guest list), but things like decor, venue, and my dress are all my choice.
Post # 13
Assuming you gave the money unconditionally and she isn’t going over budget (hard to tell whether she is staying in budget due to a typo), then she is free to proceed as she pleases. If you want input in the decision making process, then that needed to be a condition of your money from the start.
Assuming you gave her a budget and that was your only condition, then comment when that condition is no.longer met. In other words, she sends you a bill and it is over, remind her of the budget and provide exactly what you budgeted for – she is an adult (presumably) and can cover everything over budget.
Post # 14
If she keeps increasing the amount I would just cut her a check for an amount you decided was something you could afford and call it good. If she goes over that then it’s on her. She sounds like she is being a brat.
Post # 15
If you gave her a lump sum and said here is what we are contributing to your wedding- do what you want with it, then I think it would be ok for you to not be involved.
But since she is sending invoices to you, that is a huge nope. You should be there to negotiate prices since you’ll be footing the bill.
You should have a conversation with her about this. Tell her what you told us- that you feel like an ATM and you aren’t comfortable with it.
She should be able to communicate better with you. Saying you stress her out, and then shutting you out isn’t a very mature way to handle family relationships. Seeing as she’s getting married, she should learn to act more like an adult.