my daughter is spoiled! help?!

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 5
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

 

Mrslovebug:  I dont have children yet, but my husband told me an interesting story over christmas. When he was younger, him and his sister snooped for their presents. His mom realized that they had found them and she had them take them all to Santa’s Annonymous (a charity that collects toys for needy kids) and they got nothing for christmas. His family was not well off growing up, his parents both worked multiple jobs, they couldnt participate in sports as there was just no money for that, etc. While i can appreciate that this is not quite the same scenario, maybe your daughter needs to see what its like for some of the other kids in this world.

Post # 2
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Mrslovebug: You say she has a lot of toys? Why don’t you discuss with her the importance of donating to children/people who don’t have as many. She can select toys from years pass to give away, and you guys can go together to bring it to a local charity. Maybe having the opportunity to speak to one of the charity’s organizers who can tell her in kid-friendly language the importance of charity work. This will help her understand that helping others and giving to others is more important than receiving.

Post # 3
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

 

Mrslovebug:  Although this may be an issue now, I wouldn’t worry about this in the long term.  I was an only child, and let me tell you there was not a birthday/Christmas/holiday that wasn’t overloaded with gifts and attention.  Then, all of a sudden, things just started to taper off.  It took a while for me to accept it, but I did and like your daughter, I had always been a good kid.  I never ASKED for any of it, my mom just gave and gave.  However, none if it was detrimental.  My mom was very strict in that if I asked her for something, no meant no, and I knew that.

Post # 4
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

6 is old enough to realize that there are people who are less fortunate. Would she be willing to donate her old toys somewhere? Reality is, she’s beyond lucky, but she may not know that. I’m a nanny to a 9 year old (B) who complains that her friend A is spoiled. A does get quite a bit, but B freaking has a horse. A real, live horse. She also has very high expectations around holidays and has been disappointed in the past, so I understand your concern. You want to give her the best in life without creating an entitled little monster, and that’s not always easy. Also, explain that people may be hurt by her seeming indifference. People are excited to give her things and see her enjoy them, and it’s polite to smile and say thank you whether you’re wowed or not.

Post # 7
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

First, good behavior is an expectation and she does not need to be getting birthday presents early for doing so. The extra rewards, toys, etc are leading to her not appreciating all of the things she is getting. Besides holidays and an occaissional gift, she can save her allowance to pay for things she really wants. Maybe tie the allowance into doing a chore, that way she understands people work hard for the money they are spending on her.

As far as the party goes remind her before handwhat you expect. When the party is over she can write the thanks yous herself. If she is snotty at the party I would absolutely put the new toys away until she can appreciate them more.

Post # 8
Member
328 posts
Helper bee

Mrslovebug: I like  Laurenplusalex‘s idea of donating her toys.  In fact, if she is to throw a fit or be ungrateful at her party, I would be loading her and the toys in the car immediately after and heading down to the Salvation Army.  It sounds like she doesn’t throw fits/tempertantrums, so I guess that’s good?   I will tell you, I was the first born and only grandchild on both sides of my family for 7 years.  I was also the first girl to be born into my dad’s family {he had tons of brothers} so you can imagine that at Christmas and my birthday, I made out like an absolute bandit.  Doing volunteer work really helped to turn my attitude around.  You’ll have to figure out what’s the best method and what works for you and your parenting style.  The most important thing is, no matter what you decide, to be consistent.  If you say she’s losing something, she needs to lose it.  If you take away a toy, it needs to stay gone.  Plead with your family to back you up, but know that some things may sneak through.  This is okay-but they need to not be outright defying you. It’s much easier to correct this behavior now than to try it when she’s a teenager.  There’s light at the end of the tunnel! Signed,  A reformed spoiled brat

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  luna_c.
Post # 9
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Mrslovebug:  That’s great to hear!!! So what about asking her party guests in lieu of gifts for herself to give a monetary donation to a charity? During the birthday to keep her occupied and not looking bored, she can draw or create artwork that will accompany her charitable donation to give to the children?

Post # 10
Member
976 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

How about curtailing the giving of stuff, and focu more on experiential gifts – baseball game, ice skating, music lessons, trip to the zoo. Get the family on board. I definitely think you should stop with the presents for no reason (and I would call early birthday gifts no reason) and don’t let her spend her allowance on toys. If she is constantly under a deluge of stuff, you can’t really expect her to be impressed by stuff and she’s still kind of young to understand the etiquette of faking excitement for something you don’t care about (and I’m also not sure if that’s a skill we want to really teach our kids).

Post # 11
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It sounds like getting all the toys and whatnot on a regular basis is becoming quite boring for her now. Maybe instead of toys, pay for activities that you all can do as a family? Certificates to different events, or things that you can all do together?

I also agree that maybe she might get something out of donating some of her toys as well!

It doesn’t seem from your description that she’s a spoiled brat by any means. She doesn’t seem to demand things, I think she’s just bored with the fact that she gets EVERYTHING and anything.

Post # 13
Member
9532 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

First, I would be sure that you’re approaching this with the right concerns. I think my first gut reaction would be to be embarrassed if my kid didn’t show the appropriate thankfulness over gifts. But while that would be my first reaction, it’s not really the right problem to deal with. Because the heart of the issue isn’t my embarassement – it’s the attitude of the kid. So threats to act right should be out of concern for the feelings of the other gift givers, not for fear of embarassment yourself. Kids pick up on those subtle sorts of differences and you want these lessons to be broadly applicable, not just so that you kids learns not to embarass you.

I would talk to her about how her reactions make people feel. Does she buy presents for other people? Ask how she would feel if someone didn’t thank her for a present that she gave. Making her think about other people’s feelings will be key to all this. 

I grew up as an only child and was the only child in my father’s side of the family until I was 8. So I get how easy it is to spoil kids. Luckily, my mom didn’t have a lot of extra money as I was growing up and never places a lot of value on material things, so I ended up being more spoiled for attention than material things.

It sounds like it didn’t go well when you asked people to cut back on presents at holidays and I’m not really surprised. Extended family likes to give kids gifts and I wouldn’t try to dictate that too much. What you can control is what you give your daughter. I would simply cut back on the number and expense of the toys that you give her. Especially if she’s getting lots of toys from other fmaily members. And I would absolutely cut almost completely back on presents for good behavior. Good behavior should be the expectation – not something that is so special it deserves a gift. I, personally, am also not a fan of allowance for doing well in school and behaving at home, because I also think these should be expected normal behavior. Does she do any chores? I would be more inclined to have the allowance assocaited with weekly chores. And if she doesn’t do the chores she doesn’t get the allowance. I would also keep the allowance small so that she really has to save up to get a toy she wants. This is also the perfect time to start teaching her about how to handle money – have you heard about the three jar system where kids have a jar for “spend”, “save” and “give” and you sit down with them and decide how they’re going to divide their money and what the money in each of the jars will go towards. 

I would also highly recommend that you all, as a family, gather together some things to donate to charity. Make her choose some toys to donate and explain that they will go to children who don’t have any toys. And don’t just drop them off somewhere. Try to find a place where someone can talk to her about how much the donated toys will make some little kid happy. This can give her some other perspectives and may make her appreciate her situation more. And it can also clear out some of the toy accumulation. When I was little I had to do this on a regular basis – at least once a year.

This is a really difficult issue and I’m certainly no expert. What’s most important is that you’re recognizing this now. It’s a lot easier to correct now than it would be in another 6 years. And it’s worth the effort. I am incredibly grateful that I grew up without a lot of the luxuries that many of my friends had. It makes it easier to live simply now and has put me in a much better place for financial planning. 

Post # 14
Member
6204 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I would start having experiences with her instead of overloading her with toys. She’s probably not excited because she already has everything she needs!

Post # 15
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

mrs-to-be-2014:  I think it’s rude to ask party guests to donate to charity in lieu of gifts. Many people like to give gifts, and it’s also bad etiquette to tell them how to spend their money. It’s a nice thought, but in reality I don’t think it would have the intended effect.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors