Post # 1
I’ve been waiting all year for the time to be right for my proposal and wedding. It hasn’t happened.
Now my 21 year old daughter springs on me that she is getting married tomorrow, for immigration reasons mainly. I am happy for her but sad I can’t be there. I live on the west coast and she is in Toronto. She said they will have a real wedding in a couple years if all goes well. It is just so strange!
I genuinely am happy for her and have told her that. She’s going to call me Sunday to tell me all about it.
It definitely brings into focus my own relationship (which I’ve been trying not to fixate on for the past couple of weeks). When I talked with my bf about it, he said, “Well, they may not have passed through all the stages you might have expected before making this decision, but, they have lived together for a year and know what to expect from each other, so this is probably a pretty good decision.” This keeps ringing in my ears, because we’ve been together for two years and he can’t decide. I am starting to plan what I would need to do to not be in this relationship. Practical things like how much money do I need to save to get my own place, what are rents now, what utilities I’d need to pay separately, etc.
I love him. I just don’t know if our relationship is going to survive. And, let me repeat, I’m very happy for my daughter, just a bit stunned. Happy Friggin’ Holidays!
Post # 4
At least she didn’t call and tell you she got married yesterday 🙂 I know this can be difficult, and it sounds like it’s making you think about your own relationship but don’t forget to keep perspective and remember that all relationships are different. Two years is not such a long time and it sounds like her motives are legal so I wouldn’t be worried that your relationship is over since you are not married. However, this is something only you can know for sure. Good luck in your decision and if you decide to move out, it sounds like you are preparing properly.
Post # 5
thanks. we were in trouble before she gave me the news. Oh, also I’ve never met her boyfriend/husband. Something to look forward to!
Post # 6
I’ve had some experience with the immigration thing, as NotFroofy is from the UK. At least in the US, the immigration rules really push couples toward quick decisions on marriage. For example, if the immigration authorities become aware that a foreigner is in a relationship with a US citizen, the foreigner may thereafter be able to get even a tourist visa to visit the US partner. (The tourist visa is considered a temporary visa, so it is necessary to show that one intends to return to one’s home country to get it–and the authorities may not believe there is an intent to return if there is a relationship with a US citizen.) Thus, the only way for the couple to see each other is via a fiance(e) visa, which requires that the couple marry within 90 days of entry into the US.
I know that for us, we had to make decisions on our relationship much earlier than felt comfortable for me. NotFroofy moved in when we had been together only a week and a half. Within the first six months, I had to make the commitment to support her through grad school (during which time she would not be permitted to work) in order to allow her to stay beyond that six-month period.
Thus, your daughter may be getting married with less than the ideal amount of time to get to know her fiance first. At the same time, your boyfriend may be correct in saying that theirs is “probably a pretty good decision,” if the alternative is ending the relationship altogether.
By contrast, when immigration is not involved, it may be a good idea to take more time to get to the point of certainty, not just probability, that marriage is a good decision. So your boyfriend saying that your daughter is probably doing the right thing does not conflict with his feeling that for the two of you, it is best to wait.
Obviously, if you have other reasons for questioning your relationship, those have to be taken seriously. But I do not believe that your daughter’s haste (and your boyfriend’s approval of it) should make you feel like your own relationship is progressing too slowly.
Post # 7
Thanks 2Dbride. I know things will work out how they will…hopefully after the holidays and my 50th birthday in January, we will get to a better place with our relationship.
Post # 8
Good luck with that! I’m very familiar with having to deal simultaneously with my own marital decisions and my children’s. I remarried at the age of 56 a bit over a year ago, and my son is getting married in March.
Post # 9
I have to chime in and 2nd what 2dBride said. Immigration definitely pushes for a decision. My hubby and I might have gone a longer route before marriage had immigration issues not been involved. However, I know that this decision is the right one for us.
I get what you are saying about your frustration with your bf’s comment and how you feel it reflects on your relationship, but don’t let your daughters situation color yours. They are very much different! As 2dBride says, if there are other things that are making you question, then it’s definitely due some serious thought.
Best of luck to both you and your daughter! 🙂
Post # 10
Congratulations to your daughter! Also, I am really glad to see that you are starting to plan how to not be in this relationship. I see that you also say you are waiting for the holidays and your birthday, which is understandable, but it is so good that you are starting to prepare because from what I’ve seen you post, it just seems like he is not going to commit and you deserve better. Also, really ask yourself, at this point, is it even what you want? Yes, you love him, but I know from my experience with my ex, once I started thinking about how to get out of the relationship, when he started to try again, I found that I had already disconnected myself and it didn’t matter anymore. Stop waiting around for someone who keeps making excuses, focus on yourself and your family, and wait for a guy who treats you right. Easier said than done, but good luck with it all and for your daughter in her new marriage, too!
Post # 11
Congrats on your daughter. I agree, I’m glad she told you upfront before just doing it. (My little cousin did that and just showed u with the girl, surprising everyone!)
Nothing is wrong with getting prepared.