Weddingbee boards

So, when I was dating my DH, I was really intrigued by all his outdoorsyness--he had a TON of pics from hiking out in the Rockies, camping in the snow, rock climbing...all sorts of things.  I was really excited b/c I'm not very good at that sort of thing myself, but I've always wanted someone to do that with--so I thot DH would.  Well...here is it, 5 months into marriage...and we've been camping once (b/c his work friend who he has a man-crush on planned it) and canoeing once (again, same deal).  

All he does in his spare time (and believe me, he does HAVE spare time!) is watch TV or play computer games.  

I have *always* hated and despised men who do nothing but sit on their butts and watch TV and play computer games.  Now I find I'm married to one. 

1. What to do?  I get so angry when he does that all day--there's plenty that needs doing...(like washing my car for me/changing the oil) and doesn't he want to experience all the adventures of life???  And doesn't he want to go out and do fun things?  Apparently not!  

2. How to get him interested in really living?  We don't live forever and one of these days he'll realize that he has allowed life to pass him by and while he was sitting on his arse entertaining himself to death, he wasted his youth (and he's not that young anymore) on being a couch potato and by the time he realizes that, he'll be too OLD to do anything else!  

I am just so unutterably disappointed in him!  

My FI is very outdoorsy, and loves fishing, camping, etc. And we've only gone once in the last year, and honestly, that was a struggle in itself.  We don't live anywhere remotely all that conducive to camping/fishing (Chicago), we're both full-time students with part time jobs, and student loans.  I would never expect him to go out and go camping every weekend, that doesn't mean he's lost his interest in it.  And, its winter.  I don't know where you live, but is it cold, not the right time, etc?

I agree with pinkshoes...have you made an effort to say hey, lets go hiking/for a walk/etc and then get turned down?  That'd be different.

Thanks for the valuable insights, PPs.  

As for what we did before we were married, we had a 2 1/2 year long distance relationship.  However, as I discovered with this one,  you can either hide many unpleasant things till you actually start to live with someone, or you can see an indication of something but not really understand the implications of the signs you are seeing in LDRs. 

While we were dating, we did watch more TV than I was comfortable with, but I told myself it was because we had both moved to new cities (but two hours away from each other) and neither of us had really made friends, and because we had gone all week without seeing each other, we just wanted to hang out together in each others' arms.  Yes, before we were married, I saw how much TV he watched *when I was around*, which was on the weekends, but I really thought he did something productive during weekday evenings (mind you, I only talked to him once an evening, and I didn't really quiz him about his activities) and that he was only sitting around on the weekends b/c he wanted to enjoy time with me.  

I saw him game one entire day only once before we got married:  I was writing a term paper and he said he was on the computer gaming all day because he was trying to stay out of my way and be quiet.  I believed him.

Even his family stills sees him as the wild, outdoorsy type--you can tell by the way they talk about him.  And when we go back to visit them, he's always outside doing something:  chores (for his parents, not me!  He likes to do things for his parents), or helping out a family member with some building project or something.  So I know he *used* to be that way, but I don't know what happened.  His family has no idea how much time he spends in front of the TV or computer.  

And yes, I have discussed this with him many times--about how I think fun activities would be good for our relationship, not just for the fun of it, but because when you share an activity, you learn new things about each other--not necessarily outdoorsy stuff, just *something.*  I even made a list of things I wanted to do to help give him and me some ideas about what we could do in this area--and he never once used any of my ideas, even though they were posted on the fridge for several months.  

I have planned things for us to do together.  I have come up with creative and cheap ideas for date nights (even though that isn't outdoorsy either), I have come up with expensive ideas for date nights and we have both agreed that we shouldn't spend so much money on dates; I have pestered him to please go play racketball with me(free).  I just don't understand how or why he doesn't want a hobby...I go NUTS being inside all day with the TV on.   And I would just be so unfulfilled with life--but I guess he's happy...or depressed as some of you suggested.  But he doesn't exhibit any of the other classic depression symptoms (such as early waking, or a general hopelessness about life), but I will try to be more attuned to that, as it is an interesting theory.

And if I still lived in the city where all my friends are, I *would* go out with them and leave him at home.  But since I just moved to his city in August and have hardly any aquaintances here, it's a little hard to do that.  I'm trying to meet new people and make girl friends, but sometimes it takes time.  

@Angelique02: You've gotten a bit attacked on this one! I'll try to be a bit softer :)

It sounds like he's retreating into the easy, lazy parts of life... Both me and FI have our ups and downs, sometimes we're off hiking with the dog and fishing and doing laps of the oval and being super fit, and other times we both end up spending way too much time on the couch not doing all that much of anything.

What I've realised is that the more you do stuff, the more stuff you want to do. It sounds like he might be in a bit of a rut at the moment, it might have to do with being in an unfamiliar town, or whatever else is going on in your lives.

The other thing is that communication is key. You need to talk to him about it. I'd suggest an approach along the lines of 'I want us to be healthy and active and involved in stuff'. Maybe suggest that you both join a new sport to get active and meet new people? Or volunteer (I'm horrendous at sport so this is what I do!)? Or even just organise to go and do something new every weekend... Like farmer's markets, or go and visit a local landmark, walk a local trail... They don't have to be expensive, just something fun :)

If there is other stuff to do, the gaming will naturally decrease. If you attack it as the problem, he's less likely to have a real behavioural change. He might stop temporarily because you ask (yell) but then he'll just hide it from you instead. Not healthy! Try replacing it with other fun activities and he won't even notice the change.

As far as how long you've been together? Our parents/grandparents weren't together for anywhere near as long as us, and they've managed to make it work much more than our generation. If you both but some effort into this relationship, you have just as much chance of any of us to succeed :)

(And my FI washes my car and changes my oil. Chill out bees! In some relationships that's just how the dynamic works! I iron his shirts, we're happy with our division of labour).