(Closed) My dream has been shattered…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Well first of all I know what you are going through with calling off a wedding.  I am however a little concerned that you are overreacting about the niece issue.  The SIL and BF may just want to see the little girl in a wedding.  And hey, if they are worried that something “might” happen to their little girl then by all means let them get dressed beforehand and wait with her in the back to walk up. 

You have to remember that some people (mainly women) have to make things hard and stir-the-pot so to speak.   You just need to take a deep breath when talking with her.  The most important thing is that you want the niece in the wedding.  So just tell the mom here is the time and location.  No need to go into details about who is sitting where and getting dressed where.  Just let it happen.

As for the step-kids.  I’m a child of divorced parents.  My dad lives less then 5 minutes from me.  But I don’t go visit him.  Not like I do my mom.  Nor do I call him.  It isn’t that I don’t love him or dislike his new wife.  It is just at this moment in my life and his life we don’t need each other as much.  That’s not to say that next month or year it could be different. 

I don’t think that the kids should be a reason for you not to get married.  If you two truely love each other and want to get married then you should.  And do it on your on time.  Why does having surgery after the wedding have anything to do with having it now.  If anything I would think you’d have the wedding prior to the surgery.

Calm down and don’t rush out and make rash decisions or say things to your FI you can’t take back.

 

Post # 4
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am so sorry you have gotten to this point. I don’t know what to say but can imagine the pain you must feel. But a husband should support YOU. I hope it gets better for you and that your health improves. I hope one day your dream comes true… Hugs.

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

im sorry your upset but i think youre obessing way too much on a 10yr old jnr bridesmaid. the lack of a BM, niece or not, does not mean you have to cancel your wedding.  and so what if your FI’s kids wont visit for dinner – are they going to be there for the wedding is the imporant question.

i think you should step outside the issues for a few hours, get some breathing space and relook at the situation with a new outlook.

i really really hope once you have calmed down you can see that you can have your wedding and move forward

goodluck!

 

Post # 7
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

sorry but im kinda agreeing with the childs mother here.

she is 10yrs old so the mother has every right to know timelines and she isnt being nosey – although i totally do not like the idea of her boyfriend being involved

as mature as a 10yr is, they are still only 10yrs and i wouldnt want her to be seperated from me, getting dressed (ie and undressed) without me being around. heck, i still dont let my only niece (who is 16 btw) use public toilets without me going with her

sorry i cant say what you want to hear but her mother has the right to attend to her child and btw, maybe this is a very special moment for your exSIL as well, her baby girl is going to look so grown up & dressed up and youre asking her to not be part of that

 

Post # 8
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I know you are the only one with all of the details and ultimately you will make the right decision for you.  But just make sure that your not cancelling the wedding of your dreams because of someone else’s ignorance.  If you want to get married then you should do your best to push through and try your best to have the day of your dreams and on the otherside you will be married, maybe not a perfect ceremony but through all the drama the ultimate goal is to be married.  You sound terribly upset understandibly.  I would take a little while to calm down though before you officially cancel to make sure thats what you really want.

Post # 11
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I see a bunch of different issues in your posts.  First, your FI’s children — do you have any reason for accusing them of partying and using drugs?  That’s a pretty serious thing to say if you’re just upset with them for not coming around as often, but if they do have substance abuse problems, it’s also a serious thing for them to address.  Hopefully with the help and support of their father and you.  But unless the situation with them is unbearable, I don’t know why having them around less often would make you want to cancel the wedding.

Next, the neice issue, which you’ve given more insight on, but I agree that her mother has the right to be with her during the wedding prep if she feels it’s necessary.  The BF, not so much…that would be creepy.  It seems like you and your neice have a special bond, but I don’t think that the issues you’re having with her mother are worth cancelling the wedding over.  It might not be the perfect scenario you had in your mind, but if you really want to marry your FI, it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that should stop you.

The third thing I saw, though, was that you’re upset with your FI for not understanding why you’re upset/not comforting you.  You said that your lines of communication were always open, but that doesn’t seem to be the case right now — is that what’s giving you second thoughts?  Have you tried to talk to him calmly and rationally?  Has he given you any other reasons to doubt him?  Honestly, if I were him I’d probably be really hurt and upset.  These things involving other people are causing you to reconsider marrying him, which doesn’t seem quite fair to him unless there are other problems between you that you didn’t mention.  A wedding — even an imperfect one — is just a wedding, but marriage is (hopefully) forever.  Maybe he feels that you’re losing sight of that?  You won’t know unless you talk to him and get his perspective, which IMO you should do before you call off the wedding for good.

I hope you find a good solution, and feel better soon.

Post # 12
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Honey, I’m sorry that you are so upset, but I think you need to keep your eyes on the prize. You’re wedding is not about your niece or anyone else, it’s about you and your husband. Why call off your wedding because of her? The most important people in this situation is the two of you. Your FH is pissed because he wants to MARRY you next month and you’re calling if off because of a ten year old… If you absolutely need to call it off, I would start making alternate elopement plans ASAP so he doesn’t feel like your giving HIM the shaft, you know?

Post # 13
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I am extremely close to my six year old cousin who was my flower girl.  But I didn’t set her schedule.  I realize 10 is a lot bigger than six, but if her mother feels that she should get dressed somewhere else I would have been fine with that.  Her mother also chose when she would arrive (later than the rest of the bridal party) and we worked other people’s makeup and hair around that.  It really wasn’t a big deal to me.

I would really think this through – the wedding planning process is so stressful, and it is hard to see things clearly during this process.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Yellow- 

First off, I am so sorry. Nothing can hurt more or cut deeper than family problems. And no one has a perfect family- and when wedding planning gets involved, everyone gets emotionally involved and the insecurities and issues get magnified in the blink of an eye. 

As for your FH’s kids- if they don’t want to be involved, that is their loss. If they are trying to be overly involved all of the sudden, try and give them some tasks and specific things to do- that way they don’t get involved in everything. But they are adults- they will understand that this is their father’s wedding and not theirs. 

The Sister in law is a tough issue. I think maybe she is having some resentment for being pulled from the wedding (and I am sure you had good reasons for it, but it must have hurt her nonetheless). I would try and simply tell her “here are the times I would like my niece to be there. i really don’t want your boyfriend in the room when we are getting dressed, but you can be there.  There may be room for one of you in limo, but seeing as it is a short ride, there really isn’t room (or the necessity) for both of you”.  You obviously want you niece in the wedding, so stop blaming the issues you have with her mother on her.  You keep saying you are calling off the wedding for a 10 year old, but really she hasn’t done anything. 

And, if in the end, your niece isn’t involved and your FH’s kids aren’t involved, that is okay. you aren’t marrying them. You are marrying your husband. and if it is just the two of you on that new england mountain top- that is really all that matters. 

Post # 15
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yellow2008, I wish was nearby to give you a hug.   First of all, I think that you are putting a lot of stress on yourself.  Try to relax.  Try not to be upset about your SIL.  It seems that no matter what she’s going to try and rain on your day.  So don’t give her the satisfaction. Second, try to calmly think about why you and FI were getting married in the first place.  Hopefully you’ll see that it has nothing to do with your niece, his children or your mom.  You’re marrying him because you love him! Who cares who’s there, who supports you, who shows up at what time.  Keep your dream of marrying such a great man regardless of any other circumstance. I really hope that you can take the time to talk to him and see what he has to say.  Try to get to emotional and cry because sometimes guys tune that out.  Be calm and composed and speak to him from the heart.  Good luck.

Post # 16
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

If your SIL is divorced is bringing her boyfriend I am guessing she is divorced from your brother(or the grooms brother).   I am wondering where your nieces father/your brother is in all this.  Surely he can bring his daughter to the wedding?  Is he invited?  I know if I was divorced that going to an event involving my ex’s family would feel very weird and would probably make me feel extra protective of my child.  Does your SIL know anyone there but you?  Would she have been invited if not for your niece?

I completely understand the bond an Aunt can have with their neices and nephews I love mine so much.  My niece is 10 too and is going to be my one and only bridesmaid I must admit I am so lucky as my brother literally gave me my nieices presence at my wedding as a wedding present as he paid for her and my mother to fly to the USA from my home in Australia for the big day.  Having said that if all that sort of drama and tension was going to surround her being there I would never have included her in the wedding party as kids know what is going on and it would not have been any fun for her.

I would suggest taking your neice our of the wedding party not only would it remove your stress it would remove it from her as well.  

I don’t see that either event is worth cancelling the wedding for, but then it is not me that is going through it so I cannot judge.   I would suggest sitting down with your partner and having a long talk.  Explain to him why you are sad.  I know my FH is completely clueless when I get sad and usually ignores me not because he is mean but because he has no idea how to make it better and instead tries to help in his own ways by cleaning the house or making dinner.  Maybe your guy just doesn’t know what to do.   If men don’t have an answer that can fix a problem they get very helpless and lost when they see their partners upset.

 

 

 

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