Post # 1
Well, today 34 days from my wedding and I have cancelled it. I wish there were just one reason, but it has compounded to the point of me feeling like my head is in a vice and about to explode. My FH and I have a very very small guest list of 52 people, including the bridal party, of our closet friends and immediate family only. Where to start? Well, I am 37 and he is 53. This is a remarriage for both of us. I have no children and he has a 24 year old and a 27 year old. We all started off as friends. I finally got them to call their dad more often, come visit, meet for lunch or dinner. Then we moved 6 miles to the east of where we were living. This has become a huge issue as we now “live to far” for either of them to drive. Hey, if it was a frat party with dudes and drugs, they would be the first on the scene. My FH and I never, and I mean never, argue. We have that open communication that was always a dream and requirement for me for my marriage. Now, his kids never come around, call him only when they want something and totally ignore me. I have had some serious medical issues and am facing a 6th surgery in November, the month after the wedding. All of a sudden, they are so concerned about my health and suggest putting off the wedding “for my health”. Now here comes the killer….my 10 year old niece, the love of my life, was going to be a “junior bridesmaid” since I find her very mature to be a simple flower girl. Well, my ex-SIL was suppose to be in the wedding and we had a fall out over my having surgery back in June on the date of my nieces 10th b-day party and had to miss it. The emails, the anger and the words have gotten to the point of accusing me of “obsessing about being alone with my niece has everyone frightened”. She is part of the bridal party. She is missing the rehersal dinner b/c they live in another state and I don’t want to have them drive 3 hours on a Wednesday and then have to come again on Saturday. So I made a special time with the wedding facility to have a private practice for her. My ex-SIL has turned it around to the point that she has to see and appove everything my niece does. SIL has demanded being in the room with her live in boyfriend while the bridal party is getting dressed, makeup and hair. She says my niece cannot be in any pictures. Just walk down the aisle and walk back. SHE IS 10 NOT 2??????? I can’t take this stress and pressure and it has gone against everything we planned for our special day. A simple morning ceremony on top of a mountain in the fall with a Sunday brunch to follow. We changed wedding dates to be sure that some of our guests had Columbus Day weekend to travel. I have paid for all the bridal party dresses, including the niece. My SIL picked her out black and gold zebra print shoes to go with our very very light tan dresses. This was a simple wedding. All about our guests and putting many of my wishes aside to accomodate the guests and bridal party. At what point do they expect me to just agree to everything. My SIL and her BF say that they will be at the wedding soley to see my niece dressed up. They will be there soley for her support. This kid is an amazing figure skater and belongs to a very exclusive dance club and yet, she is too shy to walk down the aisle, walk back, take some pictures and then be introduced at the reception. LADIES, PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME WHERE I AM WRONG IN ALL OF THIS? I am devistated and crushed and my day I have dreamed about for years is gone in the blink of an eye. Tomorrow I will spend my day gathering receipts with their proper purchases and returning all that I can. All because of a mother of a 10 year old and 2 adult children. May my FH is not the prince charming I thought he was since he won’t talk about it and has ignored me for 2 days while I have cried my eyes out. I am crushed.
Post # 3
Well first of all I know what you are going through with calling off a wedding. I am however a little concerned that you are overreacting about the niece issue. The SIL and BF may just want to see the little girl in a wedding. And hey, if they are worried that something “might” happen to their little girl then by all means let them get dressed beforehand and wait with her in the back to walk up.
You have to remember that some people (mainly women) have to make things hard and stir-the-pot so to speak. You just need to take a deep breath when talking with her. The most important thing is that you want the niece in the wedding. So just tell the mom here is the time and location. No need to go into details about who is sitting where and getting dressed where. Just let it happen.
As for the step-kids. I’m a child of divorced parents. My dad lives less then 5 minutes from me. But I don’t go visit him. Not like I do my mom. Nor do I call him. It isn’t that I don’t love him or dislike his new wife. It is just at this moment in my life and his life we don’t need each other as much. That’s not to say that next month or year it could be different.
I don’t think that the kids should be a reason for you not to get married. If you two truely love each other and want to get married then you should. And do it on your on time. Why does having surgery after the wedding have anything to do with having it now. If anything I would think you’d have the wedding prior to the surgery.
Calm down and don’t rush out and make rash decisions or say things to your FI you can’t take back.
Post # 4
I am so sorry you have gotten to this point. I don’t know what to say but can imagine the pain you must feel. But a husband should support YOU. I hope it gets better for you and that your health improves. I hope one day your dream comes true… Hugs.
Post # 5
im sorry your upset but i think youre obessing way too much on a 10yr old jnr bridesmaid. the lack of a BM, niece or not, does not mean you have to cancel your wedding. and so what if your FI’s kids wont visit for dinner – are they going to be there for the wedding is the imporant question.
i think you should step outside the issues for a few hours, get some breathing space and relook at the situation with a new outlook.
i really really hope once you have calmed down you can see that you can have your wedding and move forward
Post # 6
Vintage-If you could read and re-read all the emails you would see what I mean. This is a very quaint, laid back, New England Fall Wedding. With so few guests, we were doing something to feed everyone Saturday night that was staying at the hotel. I told my SIL that I needed my niece there as there was a BBQ for everyone from out of town to get together and meet everyone. She has berated me for not specifically inviting her by name. It was going to be in their little goody bags in their room. Something just like burgers, dogs, chips at the hotel since they have a grill. The SIL has blown everything out of proportion. There is no need to have 2 extra people in the hotel room that we are getting ready in. For the comfort of my bridal party they don’t need a strange man watching them dress, get their hair and makeup done. I am the only one on my side of the family that has been in my nieces life since she was hours old. She has some birth defects that required 3 surgeries before she turned 2 and I was the only family memeber from my side that was there. My parents didn’t even acknowledge her in their life until she was 2 1/2 and they knew I was seeing her. My brother walked out of her life at 2 months. It is a good thing because he is a drunk and abused me for as far back as I can remember. Sometimes I feel like I am her guardian angle. But it is her mother and the BF that are flipping out. This was my wedding day and it was not going to be rearranged for a 10 year old to sleep an extra hour that day. I got the times I could and wanted this day to be a special thing between my niece and I. I guess when it comes to Christmas and my ex-SIL needs gifts for her, I will get the 2 page $500 list again. And I never miss a thing on the list. Now that I will be just recovering from surgery and have lost my job because of my disability, Christmas will be small and I am sure I will be going through all of this all over again. Funny thing is – things were fine until my SIL was kicked from the wedding and does not know every detail. The last email i got was, I need exact times, i need to know if there is room in the limo for the SIL or her BF, is there a photographer in the room while we are getting ready. What kind of questions are those other than nosey. I guess I understand why my brother left – dealing with Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde can be tough on a druck as well as a sober. The worst part is, I called my mom to tell her all of this and to get her opinion and help and she said she couldn’t take any of this. I told her it was my day and I couldn’t take any of this and she hung up on me…………………….she has not given me a dime for the wedding nor will she compliment on anything that i have done so for. So wedding is over and everyone got their way.
Post # 7
sorry but im kinda agreeing with the childs mother here.
she is 10yrs old so the mother has every right to know timelines and she isnt being nosey – although i totally do not like the idea of her boyfriend being involved
as mature as a 10yr is, they are still only 10yrs and i wouldnt want her to be seperated from me, getting dressed (ie and undressed) without me being around. heck, i still dont let my only niece (who is 16 btw) use public toilets without me going with her
sorry i cant say what you want to hear but her mother has the right to attend to her child and btw, maybe this is a very special moment for your exSIL as well, her baby girl is going to look so grown up & dressed up and youre asking her to not be part of that
Post # 8
I know you are the only one with all of the details and ultimately you will make the right decision for you. But just make sure that your not cancelling the wedding of your dreams because of someone else’s ignorance. If you want to get married then you should do your best to push through and try your best to have the day of your dreams and on the otherside you will be married, maybe not a perfect ceremony but through all the drama the ultimate goal is to be married. You sound terribly upset understandibly. I would take a little while to calm down though before you officially cancel to make sure thats what you really want.
Post # 9
my wedding is NOT a dress up party for them… have one at their house if that is what they want – my SIL was suppose to be in the wedding and doing all of this b/c she is not in the wedding anymore. Does my SIL and her BF need to ride in the limo and babysit my niece for the 8 minute drive …. then not allow her to be in any pictures
as for the kids – they are pot heads, drunks and phony – they have never offered to help with the wedding, have no knowledge of the flowers, or anything and all of a sudden they know it all…
maybe i should post all of the emails and you people will truly see why i am so hurt
this is my wedding day and is not going to be dictated by a exSIL or a 10 year old child
Post # 10
thanks for the advise, but spending 2 days in bed in total tears has made it ten times worse and all the joy and closeness i had planned for the bridal party will have to change b/c of a 10 year old – the wedding is off and I am not dealing with this … i was hoping to get support from all of you, but not being able to read all the emails that started in May and have gotten threatening, mean and hurtful .
any bride out there have a mother that is not supporting them in their wedding plans? mine hung up on me today when i called and asked her for help
i am realizing more and more and more why i left home at 17, bought my first home at 23, thrown down the stairs because i was scraping wallpaper 2 months after my first marriage and being beat, then divorcing him with no support from my parents, moving on and buying another house at 28 and now being happier than i knew life could be…life sucks. who doesn’t have the support of their mother??????
Post # 11
I see a bunch of different issues in your posts. First, your FI’s children — do you have any reason for accusing them of partying and using drugs? That’s a pretty serious thing to say if you’re just upset with them for not coming around as often, but if they do have substance abuse problems, it’s also a serious thing for them to address. Hopefully with the help and support of their father and you. But unless the situation with them is unbearable, I don’t know why having them around less often would make you want to cancel the wedding.
Next, the neice issue, which you’ve given more insight on, but I agree that her mother has the right to be with her during the wedding prep if she feels it’s necessary. The BF, not so much…that would be creepy. It seems like you and your neice have a special bond, but I don’t think that the issues you’re having with her mother are worth cancelling the wedding over. It might not be the perfect scenario you had in your mind, but if you really want to marry your FI, it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that should stop you.
The third thing I saw, though, was that you’re upset with your FI for not understanding why you’re upset/not comforting you. You said that your lines of communication were always open, but that doesn’t seem to be the case right now — is that what’s giving you second thoughts? Have you tried to talk to him calmly and rationally? Has he given you any other reasons to doubt him? Honestly, if I were him I’d probably be really hurt and upset. These things involving other people are causing you to reconsider marrying him, which doesn’t seem quite fair to him unless there are other problems between you that you didn’t mention. A wedding — even an imperfect one — is just a wedding, but marriage is (hopefully) forever. Maybe he feels that you’re losing sight of that? You won’t know unless you talk to him and get his perspective, which IMO you should do before you call off the wedding for good.
I hope you find a good solution, and feel better soon.
Post # 12
Honey, I’m sorry that you are so upset, but I think you need to keep your eyes on the prize. You’re wedding is not about your niece or anyone else, it’s about you and your husband. Why call off your wedding because of her? The most important people in this situation is the two of you. Your FH is pissed because he wants to MARRY you next month and you’re calling if off because of a ten year old… If you absolutely need to call it off, I would start making alternate elopement plans ASAP so he doesn’t feel like your giving HIM the shaft, you know?
Post # 13
I am extremely close to my six year old cousin who was my flower girl. But I didn’t set her schedule. I realize 10 is a lot bigger than six, but if her mother feels that she should get dressed somewhere else I would have been fine with that. Her mother also chose when she would arrive (later than the rest of the bridal party) and we worked other people’s makeup and hair around that. It really wasn’t a big deal to me.
I would really think this through – the wedding planning process is so stressful, and it is hard to see things clearly during this process.
Post # 14
First off, I am so sorry. Nothing can hurt more or cut deeper than family problems. And no one has a perfect family- and when wedding planning gets involved, everyone gets emotionally involved and the insecurities and issues get magnified in the blink of an eye.
As for your FH’s kids- if they don’t want to be involved, that is their loss. If they are trying to be overly involved all of the sudden, try and give them some tasks and specific things to do- that way they don’t get involved in everything. But they are adults- they will understand that this is their father’s wedding and not theirs.
The Sister in law is a tough issue. I think maybe she is having some resentment for being pulled from the wedding (and I am sure you had good reasons for it, but it must have hurt her nonetheless). I would try and simply tell her “here are the times I would like my niece to be there. i really don’t want your boyfriend in the room when we are getting dressed, but you can be there. There may be room for one of you in limo, but seeing as it is a short ride, there really isn’t room (or the necessity) for both of you”. You obviously want you niece in the wedding, so stop blaming the issues you have with her mother on her. You keep saying you are calling off the wedding for a 10 year old, but really she hasn’t done anything.
And, if in the end, your niece isn’t involved and your FH’s kids aren’t involved, that is okay. you aren’t marrying them. You are marrying your husband. and if it is just the two of you on that new england mountain top- that is really all that matters.
Post # 15
Yellow2008, I wish was nearby to give you a hug. First of all, I think that you are putting a lot of stress on yourself. Try to relax. Try not to be upset about your SIL. It seems that no matter what she’s going to try and rain on your day. So don’t give her the satisfaction. Second, try to calmly think about why you and FI were getting married in the first place. Hopefully you’ll see that it has nothing to do with your niece, his children or your mom. You’re marrying him because you love him! Who cares who’s there, who supports you, who shows up at what time. Keep your dream of marrying such a great man regardless of any other circumstance. I really hope that you can take the time to talk to him and see what he has to say. Try to get to emotional and cry because sometimes guys tune that out. Be calm and composed and speak to him from the heart. Good luck.
Post # 16
If your SIL is divorced is bringing her boyfriend I am guessing she is divorced from your brother(or the grooms brother). I am wondering where your nieces father/your brother is in all this. Surely he can bring his daughter to the wedding? Is he invited? I know if I was divorced that going to an event involving my ex’s family would feel very weird and would probably make me feel extra protective of my child. Does your SIL know anyone there but you? Would she have been invited if not for your niece?
I completely understand the bond an Aunt can have with their neices and nephews I love mine so much. My niece is 10 too and is going to be my one and only bridesmaid I must admit I am so lucky as my brother literally gave me my nieices presence at my wedding as a wedding present as he paid for her and my mother to fly to the USA from my home in Australia for the big day. Having said that if all that sort of drama and tension was going to surround her being there I would never have included her in the wedding party as kids know what is going on and it would not have been any fun for her.
I would suggest taking your neice our of the wedding party not only would it remove your stress it would remove it from her as well.
I don’t see that either event is worth cancelling the wedding for, but then it is not me that is going through it so I cannot judge. I would suggest sitting down with your partner and having a long talk. Explain to him why you are sad. I know my FH is completely clueless when I get sad and usually ignores me not because he is mean but because he has no idea how to make it better and instead tries to help in his own ways by cleaning the house or making dinner. Maybe your guy just doesn’t know what to do. If men don’t have an answer that can fix a problem they get very helpless and lost when they see their partners upset.