(Closed) My engagement and relationship is coming to an end-advice?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6750 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Think of this as a small blessing in disguise.  You’re going to have to learn how to depend on yourself and that’s going to make you a much stronger woman and it’s going to make your next relationship so much more fulfilling and stronger. 

I would think of things that you have wanted to try, but never did bc you never really had time for it before – either b/c you spent time w/ your bf or he didn’t want to do with them you – and start doing all the things you always wanted to try and try new things that you never thought you would like. 

Google places to see that are near you and go out and do a bit of sightseeing – just get out there and do fun things that you normally wouldn’t have done.

Take up a new fitness routine. 

And you’ve already taken a HUGE first step by just accepting the end of the relationship and realizing that you need to move on now.  *hug* Good for you.  Good luck getting through it. 

Post # 4
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

First I want to start by saying I’m sorry for what you’re going through and though it probably doesn’t mean much from a stranger on the Internet but i’m proud of how you’re handling. It takes a strong woman to handle a break up with such grace and honesty.

I was not in anywhere near the same situation, but a few things that helped me during a bad break up were the usual keepin busy and having a back up plan. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, upset. So to keep myself busy, I found a show I loved that made me laugh and kept my mind off things. I dvr-ed the show to always have something to not think and just watch. I also love and recommend the book it’s called a break up cause its broken. Anytime I thought I was crazy for feeling what I felt, I read the book and realized there was someone even more crazy than myself 🙂

Post # 5
Member
9172 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Aw sucky 🙁  I can understand how you feel – I’ve been with my guy since I was a teenager too (now 30) and even though I am an independent, modern woman, breaking up would totally shake me to my core.

I would recommend getting involved in local groups for particular hobbies.  Go to yoga class, join a running club, see if the library has a book club, volunteer at an animal shelter, etc.  Surely that would help you meet some likeminded people.  I know I’ve always made friends in a new place through that kind of outreach.

Good luck!  xox

Post # 6
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@justagirlxo88:  

Hi Justagirl,

I can relate to many aspects of your story, and first off I want to say I really empathize with your situation and send you internet “hugs”.

I was in a  prior long term relationship that lasted 8 1/2 years, he broke it off when I was 24. Even though deep down I knew he wasn’t the one for me, and there were some serious signs that last year we were together ( we were growing and maturing on separate planes, and it started to become very obvious that we were not equally yoked), I was extremely devastated. Even worse, the break-up also caused me to “break-up” with my best girl friend, who I had known for years, I was just starting a new job, and I  had just moved to a new city. Some days I thought all the changes were going to choke me– and I often felt choked.

My advice to you would be to be extra attentive to yourself and to be very loving to yourself- allow yourself to ride the roller coaster of feelings, without blame, guilt, or shame. You are allowed to be a little needy- tell people around you what you need- be it a night out with them just for some distraction,  letting them know you’d be willing to participate in a charity event to get involed/meet new people/circles/ get your mind off things.

Also, even though the relationship ended, it was not all for naught- you learned some valuable things about yourself and relating to to others by being in the relationship- neither you nor the relationship failed because it did not result in marriage. Some relationships just aren’t meant to go that way, and are meant to teach us or prepare us for other people, relationships, and trials.

I don’t know if you are into working out or physical activity, but excercise and taking long walks really helped me… also helped me work up an appetite as I lost mine during the earlier stages of the break-up.

I wish you the very best. However this all shakes up, I am fairly certain that within a couple of years (or even shorter), you will have a new perspective on all of this– I bet you will come out of this so much stronger.

Post # 7
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m so sorry this is happening but it will make you such a stronger person and more happy with yourself once you come out the other side.

I had a past relationship which ended after 6.5 years as well. Go on walks or exercise in whatever way you enjoy, take up a course in something you are interested in – it will help with meeting new people and means you are doing something just for youself, pamper yourself too (you are important!), I have animals so they are always a distraction and comfort, wine too!

Good luck and enjoy finding yourself and experiencing wonderful new things – as other pp’s have said you will look back and see this is the best thing that could have happened to you (I know it not now)

Post # 8
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You’re still young and have plenty of time to learn independence. Go out there and date men (lots of them). Eventually Mr. Right will fall into your lap and you have your happily ever after.

Post # 9
Member
345 posts
Helper bee

I’m in your boat, however, we haven’t been together as long as you. But he’s my best friend, and though we didn’t work our romantically, I’m going to miss that comfort and love. ESPECIALLY because I live across the country from my family and don’t have friends here. (Even though I’ve been here for 3 years). It’s going to be hard, but eventually, we’ll come out of it. PM me if you need a break up buddy to cry and vent with.

Post # 10
Member
9693 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@justagirlxo88:  I signed up for all kinds of stuff I like that my ex didn’t – book clubs, running clinics, hiking groups, etc. I also spent more time with my family and friends and focused on myself. It was awful at first and I won’t lie to you (we were together a few years longer than you too and started a bit earlier). But it did get better. I just made sure I had little to no spare time to sit around alone and stew about it. I kept busy, as cliche as it sounds, and then one day I woke up and realized it didn’t hurt so much.

Post # 11
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I dated my high school sweetheart from when I was 15 and we broke up on my 23rd birthday, it is hard. But, we broke up in April and that spring/summer was the best summer of my life, I found out who I was that summer. I was driving into the city all the time to take advantage of all the free events (by myself! I had never driven into the city by myself!), I met so many amazing people and made new friends. I went from having 3 friends to 20 people calling me every week to see if I wanted to hang out. I took advantage of free trial workout classes until I found a workout I liked and then I stuck with it. I took up a hobby of writing (I had a lot of feelings to get out) and I started hoop dancing! I explored new coffee shops, small bistros, and parks, just did a lot of walking and exploring. I hadjust graduated college and had no money, so that is why I stuck to free stuff. But, the breakup really pushed me to do things on my own for the first time and it was so freeing! I loved going to $5 movie nights at my local theater by myself! Good luck, I feel your pain, but I promise if you just let yourself have fun, it will all be worth it and you will find happiness! You will learn how to make yourself happy.I wish you all the best, if you wamt to talk feel free to PM me!

ETA: The thing that helped me the most was that I volunteered at a local women’s shelter. Find something you ate passionate about and volunteer, even if it is for one day. It really is rewarding!

Post # 12
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Other than the relocating part of your story, I have a very similar story from when I was in my early 20’s.  I dated a guy from 17-22, got engaged, and through a series of events that opened my eyes to the fact that he was a pill head, I ended our 5 1/2 year relationship…I know exactly what you are going through right now and I am sorry for the aching that you must have in your heart.  It’s definitely a very scary thing to go from the security of a relationship with someone you are very comfortable with to being alone…and although I don’t know your story, I can assure you that you will look back on this one day and be so thankful for what is happening to you right now.  I would go through that pain all over again if I knew I would end up with DH 🙂

There were a few things that I did that I found to be very beneficial and a few things that I did that, looking back, I wish I hadn’t done.  First, block your ex from contacting you, however you can.  I actually changed my phone number because my ex was calling and texting me all the time.  Once I changed my number, I had no idea if he was trying to contact me and I think that helped me move on quicker.  Second, immerse yourself in something that you enjoy.  I was in my last semester of college when I broke things off so I just buried myself in schoolwork and my job.  Or you could find a hobby or join a gym or book club or take acting lessons or dancing lessons…just anything to keep your mind occupied.  I’m not sure if you’re a drinker, but I would advise against getting too wasted – I know it’s tough, but I found myself getting down and depressed during those times that I would down a big bottle of wine.  I would be trying to make myself feel better, but I would end up crying my eyes out and feeling like sh*t the next day o_O  Have some alcohol to help you chill out, but don’t overdo it.  Finally, whatever you do, do NOT jump into another relationship/fling/rebound/etc.  Either you or the other person will only end up hurt and you’re already in such a vulnerable position.  I started seeing this guy who I really cared a lot about and I knew he had liked me for years, but I ended up hurting him really badly and then we had this on again off again thing for 2 years…it was just a huge mess.  Above all else, just take care of yourself.  Each day will get a little bit better and it’s ok to be sad and to have days where you feel sorry for yourself, as long as you shake it off and get back up and keep moving forward.  If you hit a low spot and need to talk to someone who understands you, feel free to PM me any time.  You will have good days and bad as you try to figure out who you are without him, but I promise you things will get better!  🙂  ((HUGS)) to you!

Post # 13
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@justagirlxo88:  I am now 30 but when I was your age, I went through the exact same experience!!  I ended a relationship that lasted 5 years and was living about 5 hours from home.  It was tough at the time, but things go on and you will be happier – it just takes time 🙂

You are still young – go have some fun!  What do you enjoy doing?  Now is the time you need to focus on what YOU want to do.  Forget about a relationship right now and enjoy learning about yourself.  Find some hobbies and do them!  For me, I started running half marathons.  I made some new friends along the way and joined some clubs/groups/etc to make new friends.  This will make you more independent and you will grow as a person.

I met the man I will marry about a year ago and we are planning our wedding.  It’s really important to know yourself and love yourself before you can love someone else again.  Take this time to focus on what you want to do and things will fall into line 🙂  Good Luck!

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