my engagement is tainted…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church

Yes, my husband and I got engaged last November and I had an abortion in May when I was five weeks pregnant. The only problem you’re going to run into is that the medical abortion (rather than D&C) is a two day process. I took the first round of pills on Saturday then the actual ‘abortion pill’ on Sunday, and I spent most of Sunday in a pain-filled haze. By that afternoon, I was well enough to leave the house with my husband driving me, and I went to work the next day but was just tired.

My husband and I are planning to have children — multiple, in fact — and are actually going to start trying for kids this coming spring, but this year was NOT the right time for us. You shouldn’t feel bad at all for your choice and everything is going to be just fine. Neither of our sets of parents know, but we’ll likely tell them in the future after we have children.

If you need to talk to someone who has gone through what you’ve been through (I also didn’t want a wedding and am actually terrified of spending money because my parents have declared bankruptcy), please feel free to message me. I’m willing to talk you through this or just listen to you.

Post # 4
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

@engagedsadandworried:  I am so sorry you are going through this 🙁 If you dislike wedding planning so much, what stops you from eloping? You could even have a small destination wedding with family. There is no rule that says weddings have to be expensive or energy-draining stressful.

 

As for the pregnancy, I really can’t offer any advice except to tell you to be 100% sure of what you want before you make a decision either way. Don’t do something you aren’t sure of because you feel like you have to keep to a time line you’ve set for your life. Life happens while we are making plans.

 

(((((Hugs))))))) I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping brighter days are ahead.

Post # 5
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@engagedsadandworried:  I asked him how he felt about all this and he said, after a long pause: “I feel like you feel.” 

First, there’s a pregnancy.  You never know what that child can bring to the world.  They are gifts.  Give them a chance at life (especially since the process has already begun).  That child is there and must not bear the brunt of anyone’s confusion.  Why can I say that?  Because I was fucking there at just shy of 18.  And her ‘dad’ proposed with a ring.  I walked the fucking walk.  Eventually did not stay with her bio dad.  Fast forward 23 years and I’m onto my doctorate and she is a functioning/empathetic member of society.

That said, focus on what you can do.  Your partner needs to do the same.

What does that mean?  There is absolutely nothing that says you can’t hold off on the wedding.  Focus on the child and co-parenting.  Either free yourselves by halting the engagment altogether or postponing it.

Lastly, do not give two shits about someone else’s “pressures” and “projections” of what they “expect” you to do about marriage and having kids.  This shit aint about them.  Period.  This is the cross-roads where we eithe r stand up and become who we are meant to be or or just continue on getting warped info/identity issues due to everyone else.

OP, hugs and all the strength I have I hope to pass to you.  You’ll be fine.  Trust yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@thejucheidea:  +1

Great advice from someone who has been in a situation like yours. I can’t offer anything other than emotional support, ((hugs)), but I hope everything works out for you. Best of luck.

Post # 7
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’ve not been in a similar situation, but everything will be okay. I don’t know that people often reflect back on their engagement period once they’re married anyway- I know my mother hasn’t and I think for a lot of people- it’s not a super fun time. I’m not thrilled to be planning, and I honestly can’t wait until June, and I am married, and I never, ever have to think about the time when I am engaged ever again.

Also, regarding your birth control- first, check to see if they have issued a recall. It’s possible that your batch was a defect. That happened to my sister, though thankfully she wasn’t sexually active at the time. I also had a friend who got pregant while on the pill (had been on it for about the same time as you) and found out that her body wasn’t actually responding properly to the hormonal pill (she has an IUD now). She had an abortion, and she’s just fine now

Post # 8
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@engagedsadandworried:  I’m sorry you’re going through this! I had a medical abortion back when DH and I were first together, about 3 months into the relationship. We just were not in a point in our relationship or our lives where we could make a commitment like that. It was the hardest saddest thing I’ve ever done, but it wasnt until after the baby was aborted that it hit me. I had scheduled it right away and thankfully I hard as I was 5 days away from not being able to abort that way and would have definitely kept it had I needed to undergo surgical procedure. I was 5.5 weeks along and had no idea I was pregnant!

Any rate, that was 7 years ago over the holiday season and even though I am sometimes sad and even though DH are now married, I don’t regret making my ‘hasty’ decision. FWIW we fully intend on having children but plan to wait at least another 2 years.

So getting back to you, first and foremost, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! I know each experience is different but I was not at all prepared for the toll it would take on me. 2 days after I had taken the pill is when it finally started happening and it was so bad and I was so sick for about 2 weeks (bled for 3). The first 8 days I bled more than I ever knew possible, was fluish and had fevers. I was pretty much alone, too since I couldn’t go to my mom either. DH was around to make sure I didnt have to go to the ER or anything but we didn’t live together and he didn’t really get what was going on and I pretty much suffered in silence. 

I figured it was my penance for aborting. I just wish I had been a little more caring of myself a took proper time to heal and recover instead of trying to keep up appearances.

Just take it in stride, be gentle with yourself and honor your emotions that come up. Grief was one that I did not expect but hit walloped me a good one. Take it slow, take lots if hot baths, and don’t push or punish yourself. I wish you all the best!

Post # 9
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@sweetpotata:  First, there’s a pregnancy.  You never know what that child can bring to  the world.  They are gifts.  Give them a chance at life (especially  since the process has already begun).  That child is there and must not  bear the brunt of anyone’s confusion.  Why can I say that?  Because I  was [edited for language] there at just shy of 18.  And her ‘dad’ proposed with a  ring.  I walked the [edited for language] walk.  Eventually did not stay with her  bio dad.  Fast forward 23 years and I’m onto my doctorate and she is a  functioning/empathetic member of society.

You have your opinion, but not everyone feels the same as you. I think it is best if we do NOT make this topic about having an abortion or keeping a child. The OP already sounds set on an abortion, so I really feel your comment is harmful and not at all helpful to the OP.

 

ETA: Edited out the curse words in the quote.

Post # 10
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I really hope this doesn’t turn into a prolife pro choice debate since the op said she’s 100% sure she doesn’t want to keep the pregnancy…

I’m only concerned you won’t feel well enough for this dinner you have to go to. Can you say you have the flu and reschedule? 

Im so sorry you’re going through this 🙁 also, eloping sounds like the best option for you. I didn’t want to plan a wedding either and I’m doing a courthouse wedding because of it with a small dinner after with just our family. 

Post # 11
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I was not engaged when I had my abortion, but I can very much empathize with your situation. Re: the pregnancy, all I can say is chin up. It’s no fun, but you will get through it. I recommend another attempt at getting your FI to talk to you; you need support. 

In general, I think you might want to look into seeing a counselor. You sound depressed to me, at least at some level. I don’t think it’s because of your pregnancy, though of course that might have some bearing. I strongly believe talking to a professional would be beneficial. You shouldn’t feel so removed from your wedding planning, for one thing. Maybe it’s not the right time to get married? Talk to a therapist.

Post # 12
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Oh hon. I’m so, so sorry. And before you go any farther, do NOT let anyone in this thread make you feel bad about your CHOICE. You do what is right for you and your situation, okay? What is right for one woman may not be right for another. For what it’s worth, a friend of mine got pregnant while she was taking the pill. Failure rates DO happen. I’m sorry.

 

If you do have a medical abortion, I don’t think it’s a good idea to do it right before the engagement dinner. Medical abortion is safe and almost always effective, but it is going to take a lot out of you. It is very painful during the process, and although you can be walking around like normal the next day, your body may feel “off” and you’ll likely have a lot of emotional stress. Can you possibly reschedule the engagement dinner, just to give yourself a little time to rest?

 

Post # 13
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Laurenskii:  +1

Same. I can easily see it going that way, and I think it is disrespectful to the OP, and not being sensative to her situation at all. I just hope it doesn’t turn in to that kind of thread.

Post # 14
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Also, adding what @starling13 said… this is really the time to take care of yourself. You can postpone the dinner, even the wedding if you want to. (And I agree that it might be good to see a therapist — you need support!) Be kind to yourself and don’t feel like you “have” to do anything. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@MeghanFly:  First off, that was NOT where I was coming from.  And here is where internet boards do more harm than help. 

MY point was that pregnancy is a huge deal, if not the hugest, and that factor is adding weight to the situation.

My mom had an abortion.  I considered one when I was sure I was pregnant yet not ready at another point in my life.

So before you assume I’m making this some sort of “pro” issue, get your projections and facts straight.

It is very unfortunate when people can’t ‘hear’ what the OP is writing and take all her/his concerns as a heady issue to be considered, and then answer it with a real-life experience. 

OP is free to do what she will.  Your side is not the only side, MeghanFly, remember that.

Either way, OP, well wishes, no matter what.

 

Post # 16
Member
1168 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@engagedsadandworried: I totally think you and your FI need to talk about it more. If he is not 100% able to talk about it prior to anything taking place, later down the road he may blame you, resent you (I have seen it happen). You need him to be completely on board and OK. You will be going through a lot physically, yet alone emotionally. IMO scheduling the procedure 1 day prior to your e-party is a huge mistake. Physically and emotionally.. I dont know how you could be able to manage that. 

I TRULY HOPE YOU FOLLOW YOUR HEART and that everything works out best for you. Sending hugs. Things do happen for a reason (theres likely a reason there was not an appointment available… its probably a sign you need to really think about this more). 

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