Weddingbee boards

and not with happiness.

A bit of background. FH never actually proposed to me. We just sort of realized at one point in our relationship that we were going to get married and started working towards that goal. He did, however, promise me a real proposal. You know, the one with him on bended knee? Anyway, as part of working towards that goal, we decided to move in together. At the time, we lived a fair distance apart so this was a big move for both of us. We decided that we would just use my furniture since it was in much better shape and we wouldn't have room for all our of combined furniture in the new place. As it worked out, his lease was up before mine and he went ahead and moved into the new place before me. Unfortunately, he got called away for an extended business trip within a couple of days of moving into the new place. He assured me that the apartment was fine and that when I moved in (it would be during his business trip) that he had not had a chance to totally unpack so not to be surprised if there were still boxes and stuff scattered in the apartment.

Well, when I did get down there to move in, after a terrible flight, a fight with the office to get keys, i walk into the apartment. Oh, and I should mention that he had been gone for about 4 weeks at this point and it is now the week before christmas. At the earliest, it would be another 2 weeks before he gets home. (it turned out to be closer to 3, but he did make it home safely!)So I walk into the apartment, no real expectations since he did warn me that he didn't unpack yet. I walk into an apartment that has the AC on full blast, lights still on and food left rotting on the countertop. That doesnt even begin to cover the hurricane that looks like it hit his boxes of papers and books. I literally walked in the door, looked around and fell to the floor crying at how much of a mess the place was.

I could do nothing but start cleaning despite how late it already was (remember terrible flight? lol) As I was going through stuff I stumbled upon a gift bag. There was a note that said it was my christmas present but I could open it early since he wouldnt be there. I did the wrong thing and opened it that night. It was a beautiful necklace and ring set with my birthstone. It is so pretty. I should mention that despite how pretty it is, it is exactly what I don't like when it comes to jewelry...not a fan of the cut of the the stone and yellow gold makes me look sick because i am so pale. Still, it is beautiful and it definitely warmed my heart a bit that he had remembered me even in his mad rush to forget everything in the apartment.

The next time I talked to him I told him how much I loved the ring and necklace, which I honestly do, and he responded that it was a promise ring. He didn't like the fact that we were planning a wedding but i didn't have my engagement ring yet. So, he point blank told me it was a placeholder until he could get home and propose officially.

Well, he came home. He never did end up proposing and we are slowly getting closer and closer to our wedding day. He has since told me what kind of ring he was planning on getting for me (EXACTLY what I love and looks great on me) and how he had planned on proposing (incredibly romantic!). Unfortunately, some sudden expenses came up and the ring is now out of the budget, the event at which he planned on proposing has passed, and i am still waiting for him to talk to my dad about marrying me.

I know that right now he views this as a totally economic factor, and I appreciate that. He doesn't see the point in shelling out money for ring when I can just use my promise ring as an engagement ring. My problem is that the ring doesn't feel like an engagement ring! It feels like a christmas present that he got for me at the last minute because he knew he would be out of town. It feels like something he got so that I wouldn't be upset at how messy the apartment is. If I had known he had intended it to my engagement ring from the beginning I believe I would feel differently. I just kind of feel let down and disappointed over not getting any sort of proposal. Seriously, I would  be happy with a $5 ring from wal-mart (and I LOATHE wal-mart) just so long as it was not this ring. i don't care about diamonds or other stones, i don't care about gold or platinum. I just feel horrible wearing a ring that only makes me think of how angry I was that evening. I hate wearing a ring that feels more like an apology than a declaration of love.

I feel absolutely horrible about this. What should I do? I have tried talking to him about how I feel and all he says is "the only ring that matters is your wedding ring." Gah, as right as he is about that, he refuses to even think about shopping for wedding bands!!! and we are getting married in July! Please Bees, what should I do?

I agree, I think you need to be honest with him about how the ring makes you feel and that night. It's seems like a small issue to some, because Yes the wedding ring is far more important but it seems to be really upsetting you at this point.

Maybe you should talk to him about all the things that are important to you during this time. Like "It would mean a lot ot me if we got some of the formalities out of the way. Can you formally talk to my dad?" or " I really would like to go wedding band shopping with you, that would help me get excited for the wedding."

I think it's great to get a good venting session out with some Bees or close friends but in the end you need to face him.

You ladies all make wonderful points. Many of which I have brought up to him. To answer a few of the questions that have arisen.

1. Yes, my family knows. They are the ones paying for the wedding actually. They are fine with him not formally asking for my hand in marriage as my sisters' husbands never did. FH had always told me that he would ask simply because he is an 'old fashioned kinda guy'. I don't really care one way or the other, but I think I mentioned it as simply one other way that this whole engagement hasn't gone as I thought it would.

2. Get a pretty bridal set? Yes that is one option...except FH is very adament about his purchasing my ring and my purchasing his ring. He does not want me to go shopping with him which makes it even harder to get him to go shopping period! He works very long, erratic hours at a very physically and demanding job so it is hard to find time to go even separately.

3. That night. yeah. We had a long talk about it. I am pretty much over it, obviously not completely otherwise I would not have mentioned it. I guess it just makes it harder to move completely beyond that when it is all I think of when I look at my ring.

4. Not wearing a ring until we are married isn't really an option. It might have been if this had come up earlier in the engagement but to suddenly stop wearing the ring now wouldmake for very awkward questions, especially from my coworkers and family.

I think in the end this really was just a venting session. I know that from my original post I paint him a very negative light, and really he isn't negative. In fact he has been more supportive and keen on making me happy than I thought was even possible! There are a lot of other little factors that probably make this a very incomplete picture. I really do think I just needed a non-judgemental place to vent.

What a brutal situation to be in. I honestly think the only thing you can do is to be honest with him. Sit down and just be honest and nice and explain to him how important it is.

I defnitely see your side, but I also understand how important it is to have a ring that symblizes your commitment and love for someone.  Now our days, anyone can get an expensive ring. Stores have all sorts of options set up(I know because we did some shopping), so regardless of the income end of things, it's duable. What he needs to understand is the importance of you see as missing right now.

Good luck with things, and keep us posted :)

I have to admit that you ladies are absolutely wonderful. I do find WB a non-judgemental forum in which to express my thoughts, which is why I posted this here. I am also touched by how much concern there is for other Bees and making sure that we are all treated with respect. This is yet another reason why I come here and not the other site which shall remain nameless.

As I said in my previous post though, I feel as though I have unfairly slanted the situation against my FH. There are other factors and elements that should be mentioned and I regret not having brought them up before. Sometimes in the heat of emotion it is hard to NOT be biased yourself and for that I am sorry.

So, first and perhaps foremost is the fact that when he returned from business and the financial 'crisis' (for lack of better term) happened, he did approach me and say "I am sorry, I just can't afford the ring that I was going to buy for you. I don't want to propose to you without it. Are you ok with not having a traditional engagement? Do you mind waiting for all of that stuff?" I did say that yes, i was fine with waiting and not having the ring, etc etc etc. (obviously this is a bit paraphrased) Why did I do that? Because at the time I WAS fine with all of that. It was only as I got more an dmore into wedding planning, reading stories of proposals, looking at ring porn (both diamond and non diamond and I have to say that you Bees have gorgeous rings!!!!) that I started to miss those elements with which I was previously fine lacking.

We did talk again last night. We actually do communicate very well, even if we do both try to take the blame for everything! The outcome of the conversation was that while he does respect how my feelings towards a ring and proposal and such have changed, that he really does not feel comfortable being pressured into anything like that this close to the wedding.

In the end I guess it does come down to mutual respect for each other.He respected me and my desires enough to ensure that I would be fine with the situation, as I was. So really, it comes down to me not respecting him and his feelings by being fickle with my position. While understandable, it was wrong to be as mercurial as I have been on this subject (one day I would be fine with it, the next not).

So thank you ladies for giving me the opportunity to vent and put the situation in writing. My FH is not a bad guy, he does respect and love me just as much as I love and respect him. No one is perfect though and I think we have both made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. I just look forward to looking back and laughing at our mistakes in the years to come!

In response to the last couple of questions and concerns. As far as the proposal goes, he doesn't feel comfortable proposing with what would amount to a fake ring. Any ring other than the planned engagement ring would be a 'fake ring' in his mind. He also doesn't feel comfortable being pressured into proposing just so I can have a 'proposal story'. This close to the wedding, I can completely understand and I respect that.

What I am comfortable with isn't necessarily what he is comfortable with. I was the one who screwed up and changed my mind so late in the game and the repercussion of not speaking out earlier is that I just have to wait to get my wedding ring to have a ring I love. It isn't that far out. I can wait. I was just having a REALLY bad day when this thread started. Oops?

Also, and for this I feel incredibly lucky, my parents are financing the entire wedding and his are financing the rehearsal dinner. So we have no real financial obligation to the wedding other than our wedding rings. We have budgeted for those and they are not an issue...aside from not having purchased them yet! lol