Post # 1
I’m ready for full on judgement. I feel shame and anger for thinking my 2 carat cushion cut G color VS1 ring is not large enough. Here is my story… We are 45 and 47 yrs old. My fiance is a doctor and makes about $450k. He pays about $100k in alimony and child support and has about $150k in assets. I make about $200k. I have approximately $1 million in assets and own my home. We have 4 children between us and all are under 10 years old. I have 1 child and he has 3 children. We have a terrible relationship with his ex-wife. We have a great relationship with my ex-husband. My side is super easy and his side is non-stop chaos. No need to go into all of the details but she makes our life as difficult as she can. Why is this information relevant to the ring size? It really isnt, but I want to point out that I have to put up with a lot. My friends say I’m a saint. We live in an area where the norm is 2 to 3 carat. Herein lies one of “my issues”. His exwife had a 2.5 carat that he bought her while he was in medical school. And he has commented numerous times about how expensive, beautiful and nice that ring was. Honestly, when he presented my ring , I didnt even think it was 2 carats at first. I dont understand why he wouldnt buy a ring for me that is the same or even a little bit better than his first wife. Isnt that common knowledge? I’m very hurt and disappointed. My last issue is just our overall net worth. I’m well aware of our financial situation. We can easily afford a 2.5 carat ring and even a 3 carat ring. And maybe we get a H color instead of G (?) to keep the cost down. We also decided since this was our second wedding we were going to just have a small intimate wedding with family and close friends. Nothng extravangant, since we both have had large weddings. We would not be incurring a big expense there. I’ve discussed this with him and he has been able to control his hurt and shock at my shallowness and has been supportive and sweet. He said he focused on the quality not the size. He is very excited to marry me. I know he loves me and we are truly best friends! I love him so much. Any other man would have thrown me to the curb. He said we could go and get a bigger diamond but it would be at a financial loss. We couldnt resell the diamond for what he paid and then the cost of the new diamond. The practical side of me is not happy and feel that I have to settle now. My problem is that I feel robbed and I can’t get pass the hurt and feelings of being less worthy. Honestly, a three carat ring now after all of this would not make the pit in my stomach go away. All I can focus on now is why he bought only a 2 carat in the first place. I’m never going to get that moment back. I have left out a huge part that I have resolved…the proposal sucked!!! But, I’m passed that and we have worked it out. I have such a wide range of feelings over this…from shame to anger. I’m hoping someone out there will have the words, wisdom and insight to help me. In the grand scheme of things if my biggest problem is a 2 carat vs 3 carat then life is good. Humor me please with your words of advise and yes, even criticism. I’m ready…..
Post # 3
“My problem is that I feel robbed and I can’t get pass the hurt and feelings of being less worthy.”
You have a million in assets and children and a man that loves you. Yet the RING is what you’re measuring your worth? You’re also in your forties. You should be a strong woman that doesn’t concern herself with such things.
I’m sorry your disappointed but it sounds like even you know this is not worth thinking about
Post # 4
to be honest, i don’t know the dynamic of your relationship. but if i were in your shoes, i might also be disappointed with the ring.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
You sound very insecure, in a lot of aspects. I would worry less about the ring and more about working on not comparing yourself and your possessions to others.
Post # 6
I can understand (I want to say completely understand, but I haven’t been in your shoes).
It’s very hard to be the “second wife” – nothing is new, often times nothing feels special, it doesn’t sound like you are planning on having children together. Given that his ex-wife is such a terror, it really meant a lot that your ring “out did” hers- and I get that! I really, really do. It may sound shallow to some, but it’s a symbol of how much better a wife and mother you are and how happy he is to be with you (given that his budget allows it).
BUT you have to remember that he ALSO wanted your ring to be better and it sounds to me like, by upgrading the stats, he was doing that for you (in his mind). He has now realised that quality (you) is better than quantiy (ex) and wanted your ring to reflect that. He wanted to look over at your hand and see a diamond that is rarer and prettier by all the proper standards. A ring that he is proud of and perhaps a ring that, when he was younger, he would not have appreciated as much (and one that she wouldn’t have either!).
Hopefully you can start to see it in the same light that he does. If it continues to bother you, then look into getting the center stone upgraded for a big anniversary.
Post # 7
I have a ring that cost about $2,000 – my fiance could have paid more but he didn’t and I couldn’t imagine anything else. He choose it and it is beautiful and I love it because he wanted to marry me and propose sooner rather than later! What I’m trying to say is your fiance obviously loves you, he asked you to marry him after all. Try to focus on the love you share and the wonderful future you will have 🙂
Post # 8
Wait did you just delete the other thread. wasn’t it the exact same!
Sorry hun, but really feel like you are pulling for sympathy now and as you saw before you are not going to get alot from the bees on here.
Recap of the other thread is focus on the relationship and not the ring.
Post # 9
@Ringblues: When 24 year old grad students living off their parents’ money post threads complaining about their rings it irritates me beyond belief, and I assume they are too immature to get married and have no concept of money. In your case, however, I would be a little hurt too. Your ring sounds lovely, but I would hate comparing myself to the ex and knowing she had more. It isn’t right to do, but it would be a natural mistake to make. While you know it isn’t a reflection of him loving her more, it would be easy to have your confidence slightly shaken. Moreover, because you have a million plus in assets and a great job, you can afford what you want. That makes it frustrating on top of confidence shaking. I am sorry you are hurt and sad. Hang in there and try to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship. I think your feelings are natural.
Post # 10
I was absolutely floored when my FI gave me my .85ct ring. I’m also going to be his secind wife, so i completely understand that you want your ring to be better than the ex’s. I wanted that too. BUT, i love my ring regardless of what his ex’s ring was (i did see it once before he sold it). I don’t know if my diamond is bigger or smaller or brighter or a greater clarity or anything, but i do know that my FI picked this one out for me all on his own. He thought of me, and this was what he wanted to give me, so that means more to me than anything else.
If it bothers you that much, and you can afford it, then change it. If you decide that the original ring he gave you has more sentimental value and you want to keep it, keep it. In the end, you have to be happy and comfortable and if a 3ct ring will give you that over a 2ct ring, then do it.
Just be sure to remember, he’s marrying you. Even after the drama with the ex wife, he’s marrying you.
Post # 11
Men seem to be more interested in stone quality than size. I live and work in a high-income area, and I’m with him: A big rock of lesser quality is less appealilng to me than a VERY high quality stone. He got you quality, and that shows that he thinks YOU are quality.
My stone is only .66 carats, but it’s D color, nearly perfect cut, and VVS2 clarity. It’s small, but it’s so sparkly that it practically blinds people from across the room, and I LOVE THAT. I know it’s a matter of personal preference, but I’d rather have an excellent, tasteful smaller stone.
You said he makes $450k a year but only has $150k in assets. It sounds like he recently took a huge financial hit. If his income has been in that neighborhood for a while, where are his investments and savings? If y’all are going to be financing 4 college educations in about 10 years, planning and saving for that seems more important than a stone.
Then again, I understand making comparisons between yourself and the ex. My fiance and I had a rocky start becuase his ex kept trying to insert herself into our lives in ways that were inappropriate. There was a lot of drama, and I don’t want to get into it! But I used to compare my relationship with him to his relationship with his ex. And if I felt like I was coming up short, I got upset. So I get that. But comparing myself to her only made us ALL miserable. I doubt it’s making you happy, either.
Bottom line, I think you’re better off with a high-quality stone and more money in the kids’ college funds. At two carats, ain’t NO ONE gonna call your stone small!
Post # 12
You can always give me the ring and then tell him you “lost” it and see if you can get a bigger one out of him. I won’t tell anyone 😉
(I’m totally joking by the way…)
If I were in that situation, I would pretend to like it and maybe push for an upgrade in about a year or two after I’m married. I get that 2 carats is small for your area, maybe let him overhear a conversation with the girlfriends about ring size? Maybe he’s apprehensive about spending too much money on a ring when everything fell apart the first time around back then. Also take into account that with diamonds becoming popular in other markets, the prices have been and will continue to rise and maybe he wasn’t expecting to spend as much as he did? I am quite sure it has nothing to do with you personally, otherwise he wouldn’t propose to you in the first place! Try not to dwell on it too much. I bet he’s a great guy who loves and values you very much. I hope everything works out!
Post # 13
@LibrarianTellsAll: Exactly! This is what I was going for with my post but said much more eloquently.
Post # 14
OP, your disappointment centers on comparing yourself to others: his ex, her ring, and what ladies in your social circle wear. Nothing at all about why you’d like a bigger stone other than keeping up with the Joneses and being “better” than his ex. You two have considerable earning power but comparatively little to show for it; that may be a result of always trying to have more or bigger or better than the neighbors. And wealthy people don’t get wealthy or stay wealthy with that spending pattern. See if you can find just one reason for a ring upgrade that doesn’t involve what other people have or think; if you can’t, then that’s a good sign you probably shouldn’t push for it. Focus on spending wisely and selectively, not basing your self esteem on your stuff, and get your savings in order. In that salary range, you should have far more wealth grown than you do— a sure sign you aren’t making wise spending decisions.
Post # 15
@Ringblues: I think you know (given what you have written at the end of your post) that you are being shallow.
I agree with you that if this is your biggest problem you have a good life. And that is awesome 🙂
I can’t give you much empathy, I am afraid! I can only advise that happiness will never come from comparing yourself and your ‘stuff’ to others.
Post # 16
[content moderated for name-calling]