(Closed) My Engagement Ring was a big disappointment

posted 3 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Ringblues:  

My problem is that I feel robbed and I can’t get pass the hurt and feelings of being less worthy.”

You have a million in assets and children and a man that loves you.  Yet the RING is what you’re measuring your worth?  You’re also in your forties.  You should be a strong woman that doesn’t concern herself with such things.

I’m sorry your disappointed but it sounds like even you know this is not worth thinking about

Post # 4
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

to be honest, i don’t know the dynamic of your relationship. but if i were in your shoes, i might also be disappointed with the ring. 

sorry 🙁 

Post # 5
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

You sound very insecure, in a lot of aspects. I would worry less about the ring and more about working on not comparing yourself and your possessions to others.

Post # 6
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I can understand (I want to say completely understand, but I haven’t been in your shoes).

It’s very hard to be the “second wife” – nothing is new, often times nothing feels special, it doesn’t sound like you are planning on having children together. Given that his ex-wife is such a terror, it really meant a lot that your ring “out did” hers- and I get that! I really, really do. It may sound shallow to some, but it’s a symbol of how much better a wife and mother you are and how happy he is to be with you (given that his budget allows it).

BUT you have to remember that he ALSO wanted your ring to be better and it sounds to me like, by upgrading the stats, he was doing that for you (in his mind). He has now realised that quality (you) is better than quantiy (ex) and wanted your ring to reflect that. He wanted to look over at your hand and see a diamond that is rarer and prettier by all the proper standards. A ring that he is proud of and perhaps a ring that, when he was younger, he would not have appreciated as much (and one that she wouldn’t have either!).

Hopefully you can start to see it in the same light that he does. If it continues to bother you, then look into getting the center stone upgraded for a big anniversary. 

Post # 7
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have a ring that cost about $2,000 – my fiance could have paid more but he didn’t and I couldn’t imagine anything else.  He choose it and it is beautiful and I love it because he wanted to marry me and propose sooner rather than later!  What I’m trying to say is your fiance obviously loves you, he asked you to marry him after all.  Try to focus on the love you share and the wonderful future you will have 🙂

Post # 8
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wait did you just delete the other thread. wasn’t it the exact same!

Sorry hun, but really feel like you are pulling for sympathy now and as you saw before you are not going to get alot from the bees on here.

Recap of the other thread is focus on the relationship and not the ring.

 

Post # 9
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

@Ringblues:  When 24 year old grad students living off their parents’ money post threads complaining about their rings it irritates me beyond belief, and I assume they are too immature to get married and have no concept of money.  In your case, however, I would be a little hurt too.  Your ring sounds lovely, but I would hate comparing myself to the ex and knowing she had more. It isn’t right to do, but it would be a natural mistake to make.  While you know it isn’t a reflection of him loving her more, it would be easy to have your confidence slightly shaken. Moreover, because you have a million plus in assets and a great job, you can afford what you want. That makes it frustrating on top of confidence shaking. I am sorry you are hurt and sad.  Hang in there and try to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship.  I think your feelings are natural. 

Post # 10
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I was absolutely floored when my FI gave me my .85ct ring. I’m also going to be his secind wife, so i completely understand that you want your ring to be better than the ex’s. I wanted that too. BUT, i love my ring regardless of what his ex’s ring was (i did see it once before he sold it). I don’t know if my diamond is bigger or smaller or brighter or a greater clarity or anything, but i do know that my FI picked this one out for me all on his own. He thought of me, and this was what he wanted to give me, so that means more to me than anything else. 

If it bothers you that much, and you can afford it, then change it. If you decide that the original ring he gave you has more sentimental value and you want to keep it, keep it. In the end, you have to be happy and comfortable and if a 3ct ring will give you that over a 2ct ring, then do it. 

Just be sure to remember, he’s marrying you. Even after the drama with the ex wife, he’s marrying you.

Post # 11
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Ringblues:  

Men seem to be more interested in stone quality than size. I live and work in a high-income area, and I’m with him: A big rock of lesser quality is less appealilng to me than a VERY high quality stone. He got you quality, and that shows that he thinks YOU are quality.

My stone is only .66 carats, but it’s D color, nearly perfect cut, and VVS2 clarity. It’s small, but it’s so sparkly that it practically blinds people from across the room, and I LOVE THAT. I know it’s a matter of personal preference, but I’d rather have an excellent, tasteful smaller stone.

You said he makes $450k a year but only has $150k in assets. It sounds like he recently took a huge financial hit. If his income has been in that neighborhood for a while, where are his investments and savings? If y’all are going to be financing 4 college educations in about 10 years, planning and saving for that seems more important than a stone.

Then again, I understand making comparisons between yourself and the ex. My fiance and I had a rocky start becuase his ex kept trying to insert herself into our lives in ways that were inappropriate. There was a lot of drama, and I don’t want to get into it! But I used to compare my relationship with him to his relationship with his ex. And if I felt like I was coming up short, I got upset. So I get that. But comparing myself to her only made us ALL miserable. I doubt it’s making you happy, either.

Bottom line, I think you’re better off with a high-quality stone and more money in the kids’ college funds. At two carats, ain’t NO ONE gonna call your stone small!

Post # 12
Member
376 posts
Helper bee

You can always give me the ring and then tell him you “lost” it and see if you can get a bigger one out of him. I won’t tell anyone 😉

(I’m totally joking by the way…)

If I were in that situation, I would pretend to like it and maybe push for an upgrade in about a year or two after I’m married. I get that 2 carats is small for your area, maybe let him overhear a conversation with the girlfriends about ring size? Maybe he’s apprehensive about spending too much money on a ring when everything fell apart the first time around back then. Also take into account that with diamonds becoming popular in other markets, the prices have been and will continue to rise and maybe he wasn’t expecting to spend as much as he did? I am quite sure it has nothing to do with you personally, otherwise he wouldn’t propose to you in the first place! Try not to dwell on it too much. I bet he’s a great guy who loves and values you very much. I hope everything works out!

Post # 13
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@LibrarianTellsAll:  Exactly! This is what I was going for with my post but said much more eloquently. 

Post # 14
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

OP, your disappointment centers on comparing yourself to others: his ex, her ring, and what ladies in your social circle wear. Nothing at all about why you’d like a bigger stone other than keeping up with the Joneses and being “better” than his ex. You two have considerable earning power but comparatively little to show for it; that may be a result of always trying to have more or bigger or better than the neighbors. And wealthy people don’t get wealthy or stay wealthy with that spending pattern.  See if you can find just one reason for a ring upgrade that doesn’t involve what other people have or think; if you can’t, then that’s a good sign you probably shouldn’t push for it. Focus on spending wisely and selectively, not basing your self esteem on your stuff, and get your savings in order. In that salary range, you should have far more wealth grown than you do— a sure sign you aren’t making wise spending decisions.

 

Post # 15
Member
3415 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@Ringblues:  I think you know (given what you have written at the end of your post) that you are being shallow.

I agree with you that if this is your biggest problem you have a good life. And that is awesome 🙂

I can’t give you much empathy, I am afraid! I can only advise that happiness will never come from comparing yourself and your ‘stuff’ to others.

Post # 16
Member
17 posts
Newbee

[content moderated for name-calling]

 

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