Hi so my FI parents are the ones footing almost the entire bill for our wedding. My dad gave us $1,000 for flowers and thats it. My mom who doesn't have much money paid for our photographer and DJ and she makes less than $40,000 a year. When my dad and stepmom make over $100,000 a year. So my FI parents got the final bill for our wedding and the balance is still 20,000. So they emailed my step mom who showed interest in helping recently she said
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I am totally embarrassed by this. I can't believe she said those things. To me that is so disrespectful b.c of how much his parents are paying. I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW!!!
UGH.
why did FI's parents email the bill to your parents in the first place? it sounds like an awkward thing to do - yikes
@eloping: sorry i need to rewrite that part first off they arn't my parents i can't stand my stepmom shes veryyy two faced. heres the email she sent
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I would just apologize that they had to deal with her. It sounded like she wants the credit of helping out without actually helping. After all, if she wanted to help she didn't have to cover everything or even a lot of it. There's not much you can do unfortunately, beyond talking to you Dad. This never works for me but if you think talking to him about her attitude would help then I say go for it!
@batwoman: i have never been close to my dad. we are totally opposite. hes extremely quite doesn;t like talking im extremely outspoken and i could talk ur head off. so talking to him only results in tears haha
While her response wasn't nice or completely appropriate, the original email was a breech of ettiquete as well. I could see where that would be off puting to receive that from an IL, not even my own child speaking to me asking for help with the wedding.
@BearcatBetch: "I have never been close to my dad. we are totally opposite. hes extremely quite doesn;t like talking im extremely outspoken and i could talk ur head off. so talking to him only results in tears"
Why in the world would you ask him for money then?
@BearcatBetch: Haha, are you sure you secretly aren't my sister or something? My Dad/Stepmom are the same way, she runs over him all the time and when I talk to him about stuff he just tells me to go talk to her about it.
Sorry I can't be much help, I just feel for you! I think most people are understanding of the weird stepdaughter/stepmom dynamic. I would just try to not let her turn it into a big thing and brush her off.
MissMeNow: If I understand the OP her stepmom mentioned that she was interested in helping out more financially, hence the e-mail.
@MrsMeNow: what ur not seeing is the phone convo between the two. my step mom reached out to her about helping out. not the other way around. it was perfectly fine for her to send her an email asking her to help.
& about my dad it always results that way b.c anytime i ever ask him for anything my step mom tells him to tell me no. its never a decision between my and him its always her. i thought my dad would show interest in my wedding b.c i know he loves me he just shows it in a different way.
I agree that your stepmother's response was a insensitive to your FI's parents. She could have crafted a less emotional response that still politely declined to help cover costs associated with the wedding.
It also was awkward of your FI's parents to discuss in such detail how much money they are spending on the wedding.
However, now that this has occurred, I think the best thing to do is to politely inform your FI's parents that you are very sorry that your dad and his wife declined to help with the wedding, explaining that they certainly seem to be having some "sticker shock" at what has been spent and that it's likely that they have no frame of reference whatsoever as to the cost of weddings these days. Before you do that, however, you may also want to have a similar conversation with your dad and stepmom, explaning just how expensive weddings are these days and asking them if they would possibly reconsider helping with the aforementioned bills.
ah, thanks for the extra info - its not as if she emailed them a $20K bill and said here it is (whew)
to be honest, going by her reaction i would be happy not accept a single cent from them and move on
@BearcatBetch: I know how it is to be completely different then one of your arents. My dad moved 5 hours away when I was young and we only saw him a couple of times a year. We rarely see eye to one on things. I also get the step mom dynamic, because I have one too. Fortunately I do get along with her. I think the best way to handle things with your Dad is to work on your relationship with him one on one. Maybe grabbing dinner or something just the two of you and making him your primary contact. If there is something you wnat him involoved with wedding wise ask him directly your self face to face, that way he realises it is more about him being involved then you wanting the money. I know these things are tricky especially when it comes to big events like weddings. Good luck!
@Brielle: their response to me when we first started talking weddings was "we can have it in our back yard" & "go to the courthouse"
@MrsMeNow: yeah my dad lives 2 hours away so its hard for me 2 do that. but thanks (:
I think your step mum was just blown away by the amount you are spending on the wedding that you are expecting other people to pay for. She may have been under the assumption that it was a budget wedding and that helping out would be a good helping hand. She may also have been embarrassed and/or insulted by the fact that your FMIL mentioned that they are dropping approx $26K for your wedding. To me that part was unneccassary- kind of like saying well we are spending all of this money the least you can do is pay $1300 for cake and flowers.
Also your FMIL should probably have asked first what your dad & SM's budget was fro helping out financially for the wedding. And then emailed a list of things that they could help pay for.
Also it is your SM & Dads money (since they are in marriage) so yes it should be mutual decision what they spend there money on.
@j_jaye: they have been married for 20 years and their money is completely seperate. i have no problem with my FMIL her intention was not rude it was to just say hey could u just pay for these twos things?
my mother who makes less than $40,000 a year is contributing more than them its insulting to me that they dont give a crap.
@BearcatBetch: It is still their money (as a court of law would see it that way) and frankly none of your business in my opinion. The only person responsible for paying for your wedding is you and your FI- everything else is a gift and should be treated as such.
@j_jaye: i dont even know how to reply to that besides i am extremely grateful to my mother and my FIs parents
I dunno, it sounds to me they dont really care to help with the wedding (your stepmom and dad). Having a wedding in their backyard? I apologise if im being disrespectful but it doesnt seem like they care about your needs as their daughter, and they want to be cheap, and your stepmother only reached out so she doesnt look like she's not helping at all, just to save face. But that's just how it comes off to me. Regardless how close you aren't with your dad, you're still his daughter. And if he can't be a father to you and help u out in any way, why invite them? And not bc they didn't want to pay for anything, but bc they didn't think about you and your happiness or think about helping the least bit. It's rude for ur stepmom to say a thing like that about the amount to pay. Hey she asked, and she got an answer. $700 or $800 is not that much to help with.
i think it doesnt matter if dad & SM make 100 times as much as your mom - if they dont want to gift money for your wedding thats their choice. she didnt have to be rude in her response but people have different perspectives on how things should be done/costs. i do wonder if she going to be making comments during the reception which will make things more awkward
going forward i think everyone knows where they stand - treat dad and SM as you would every other guest
Well she could had a bit more tact, but some people really feel that way about "wasting" money on weddings, and I honestly think they should keep their mouths shut, But when you are asking people to pay for things in your wedding, then they have the right to comment on your choices for budget. I don't think she was purposefuly being rude, I also think it's a mistake to not have known or have concrete numbers about their contribution which would have avoided the whole situation in the first place.
@MsGosling510: thank you!! i totally agree. she could have said I will talk to her dad and we can talk about what we can do to help and i'll get back to you. instead of weddings are a waste of money! when his parents are cashing out big bucks for this thing. its just insulting
It sounds like they believe weddings should be simple and cheap.I think it is strange that your stepmom mentioned the 26,000 they were paying.You are lucky to have so much help financially.Good luck with everything.
@Renankn sorry but I'm quite appalled by people who think their parents owe them a wedding. I don't know about the op's relationship with her dad which of course is going to be more complicated then she can explain, however saying he isn't being a father to her or that he doesn't care about her happiness, I think is reaching. Once we become adults our parents don't owe us anything and don't have to pay one cent for weddings even if they are loaded. It's their money, they worked it, and just because they are someones parents doesn't mean that they are obligated to cut a check.
@TwoCityBride: I agree with not having parents be obligated to pay for a wedding. I myself am working with my FI to pay for our own wedding, none of our parents are helping and I never asked from either nor expect them to. But it's different when your parent offers then retracts and acts very rude about it. It just makes BearcatBetch feel uncomfortable and embarassed around her FI's parents. Why offer then if you didn't want to help? I don't think its wrong her FI's parents were informing her parents about the costs. They're simply informing and providing options, no obligations. No "you have to pay for this." There was nothing threatening of hostile about the FI's Parents email.
Marriage is supposed to celebrate the love and happiness between 2 people. If the 2 people are your children, wouldn't you rather help in any way? (doesn't always have to be with money). But even avoiding being rude is helping. But that's just my take on it.
@TwoCityBride: in some cultures having the parents (one side or the other or both) pay for the wedding is expected...not sure if this is the case for the OP. my partner and i are from different cultures and it seems that both sides have different expectations of how weddings are funded...it seems reasonable that even if this is not a cultural factor, people have their individual beliefs and family traditions about how weddings are paid for.
that said, as everyone has said, she didn't have to be so rude about it.
"But it's different when your parent offers then retracts and acts very rude about it. "
I agree she could have used more tact, but I don't think what she wrote was actually rude. Here is the issue, none of them both sets of parents or couple seem to sit down and get a concrete number or range for what step mom and dad wanted to pay. Which I think is a mistake as it caused misunderstanding on all sides. Step mom also made it clear if she had known the budget she would have said no. It would be a different story if she promised a thousand dollars then when time came to pay she took it back. I also thiink it's a passive agressive for FMIL to throw out that she is paying 26k for the wedding, which is nice but that HER choice doesn't mean that the other parents have to spend in the same way.People have wildly different ideas on what should be spent on a wedding. Once people offer or you ask for money it gives them the right to comment on the budget.
I personally see nothing wrong with parents helping. I see nothing wrong with spending that much on a wedding. My Dad is giving me a very nice gift towards my wedding, and I am spending more then the op so I don't have issues with her budget or parents pitching in. I think its wrong to equate your parents feelings for you on how much they will spend on their wedding.
People all have different views on finances and how much they should give their children. While it's a nice gesture I don't think it's a necessity that they should provide for their children's wedding especially when they are adults. The op is an adult and she can take the advice she wants, but I think it's horrible advice to tell her to disinvite Dad to the wedding for that, or that it somehow indicates his feelings for her because he may not shell out the same amount as everyone else.
Are your parents ( dad and stepmom) inviting a lot of thier friends and family? If so I would limit the amount of guest that they can invite down to two. I know its childish but if I had a stopmother like that I would not play nice.
@RVG1010: they have about 30 we are inviting. the problem is i pretty much love everyone from her side of the family except her. everyone else has always been super nice to me!
@BearcatBetch: I'll risk getting reamed and play devil's advocate here just to put things in another perspective. Please understand that just because someone makes a lot of money that they are able/willing to part with it. Millionaires can be the worst penny pinchers and people making 30k or so a year can rack up credit card debt easily by living beyond their means. Income does not directly correlate to the amount they regularly spend at all.
Anyways, that aside, I can see your stepmother's point. I would be offended personally if someone emailed me a balance and told me how much was being spent total. If your stepmom is frugal, she might really be put off by this and think $26k is way too much money despite her income. She might have offered her help thinking that you could use an extra hand with wedding related tasks like creating favors. It could be anything. Also, $800.00 for a cake is not the norm for the majority of American brides. Maybe she was married under very different circumstances.
I see her personality in her response, actually: "We would have definitely had to tell them no to that cost. We certainly don't have that kind of money! And if we did, I still wouldn't give it up for a wedding. "
She's not one to part with money easily. There may be so many other factors that she is putting her money aside for: Car payments, a mortgage, college for her own children.. I don't know. Also, it is sad, but being you are not her biological child she may feel that she is not responsible for you now that you are an adult. Be what that may, I would just chalk it up to a difference of perspectives and let it roll off my shoulders with the expression, "Haterz gonna hate!" and just be glad for whatever help she does provide if any at all.
@Ahone: i just want to say i think i know my familys money issues better than you first off. second off she showed interest in helping with the bill to my FMIL so thats why she sent that. my FMIL did nothing wrong she simplely thought they didn't understand what a wedding cost which they don't.
@BearcatBetch: No need to get angry - I never claimed to know them. I used "maybe" and "If" quite a bit. I just think your FMIL and your stepmom have different perspectives on what they think is a reasonable budget for a wedding. It's merely a problem of perspective, one that that isn't easily remedied.
@BearcatBetch: I don't think that it was an breech of etiquette in ANY way to mention the actual wedding costs to your FATHER, for Heaven's sake. It's a wedding - weddings cost money, and traditionally the Bride's FAMILY pays for it. It was ridiculous for your stepmother to respond in such a rude way. In a last ditch effort, I would suggest personally writing your dad an email and see if that helps. Sadly, it may not....people can be so weird sometimes...
@bulldogsluvme: over the years iv wrote my dad letters, emails, cards and everything it never works. i really shouldn't have been surprised but i was. but its okay. I love my FMIL & FFIL they are great and not holding it against me. lol
@bulldogsluvme: It was actually a letter from her future in-laws to her stepmother since the stepmother offered to help with the wedding.
I'm really surprised at how many people are sticking up for the stepmom. There's always a tactful way to deal with any situation and if she was offended by receiving such an email from the FI's mom (which I personally wouldn't have been, but to each his own), there's a lot better way to respond than how she did. A simple, "I'm sorry, but we really didn't realize the wedding was going to cost so much and don't have much extra cash to spare right now. If I can help out in any other non-financial way, please let me know.", would've sufficed.
If I was FI's mom, I wouldn't even know how to respond to an email like that. All this does it put several both sides of the family is awkard positions at the wedding and, what should be, a very happy day for everyone. To say that they are "wasteing" money on their son and future daughter-in-law's wedding is pretty insulting. Seems like she doesn't see or care how important this day is to you and your FI, so perhaps she should just stay home and save you guys money her food/alcohol bill. And since she seems to not like "wasteing" money, she should understand.
@BearcatBetch: I agree with you. Yes, it's your parents' (dad and step mom)money to do what they want with. No, they do not have to contribute to your wedding. Yes, it's very generous of your inlaws and your mom to offer to help at all with the wedding. Yes, your step-mother was crazypants rude.
Here's the thing: money is super awkward, obviously. Your step-mother offered to help, but was non-specific. Your FMIL sent a followup email, which was totally fair. I agree with some other PPs that the mention of the total budget was probably not necessary. If your parents aren't contributing, the final tally isn't really their business. They do not need to know. That being said, I can understand the impluse to say something because it is honestly like "hey...we're doing this...so you can see that $800 for a cake isn't that much in the grand scheme of the budget", but your FMIL probably should have resisted that impluse.
At this point, your step-mom has decided to insult your inlaws generousity (clearly essentially saying "no offense, but you're wasting your money and we wouldn't be that stupid" is horribly rude) and has embarrassed herself. She looks like an idiot. She doesn't want to help, cool. She could have just said no. I don't care whether her points are logical or fair. They were expressed in a mean-spirited way for no reason other than to be rude.
Apologize for her behaviour to your in laws. Don't explain. Just say "she's like that sometimes. I'm sorry you had to deal with that". I wouldn't approach your dad or step mom again for anything wedding related and I'm not talking about money. Just treat them like guests. If you're doing flowers for the parents, I would include them...but that's more for you to feel good about your behaviour post-wedding.
@Aurora403: This! thats exactly how i feel about it. the fact she just flat out says they are wasting money on our wedding just rubs me the wrong way. it just feels mean?
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