My evil stepmother

posted 3 years ago in Family
Member
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

why did FI’s parents email the bill to your parents in the first place? it sounds like an awkward thing to do – yikes

Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee

I would just apologize that they had to deal with her. It sounded like she wants the credit of helping out without actually helping. After all, if she wanted to help she didn’t have to cover everything or even a lot of it. There’s not much you can do unfortunately, beyond talking to you Dad. This never works for me but if you think talking to him about her attitude would help then I say go for it!

Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

While her response wasn’t nice or completely appropriate, the original email was a breech of ettiquete as well. I could see where that would be off puting to receive that from an IL, not even my own child speaking to me asking for help with the wedding.

Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@BearcatBetch:  ”I have never been close to my dad. we are totally opposite. hes extremely quite doesn;t like talking im extremely outspoken and i could talk ur head off. so talking to him only results in tears”

Why in the world would you ask him for money then?

Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee

@BearcatBetch:  Haha, are you sure you secretly aren’t my sister or something? My Dad/Stepmom are the same way, she runs over him all the time and when I talk to him about stuff he just tells me to go talk to her about it.

Sorry I can’t be much help, I just feel for you! I think most people are understanding of the weird stepdaughter/stepmom dynamic. I would just try to not let her turn it into a big thing and brush her off.

 

MissMeNow: If I understand the OP her stepmom mentioned that she was interested in helping out more financially, hence the e-mail.

Member
9591 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree that your stepmother’s response was a insensitive to your FI’s parents. She could have crafted a less emotional response that still politely declined to help cover costs associated with the wedding.

It also was awkward of your FI’s parents to discuss in such detail how much money they are spending on the wedding.

However, now that this has occurred, I think the best thing to do is to politely inform your FI’s parents that you are very sorry that your dad and his wife declined to help with the wedding, explaining that they certainly seem to be having some “sticker shock” at what has been spent and that it’s likely that they have no frame of reference whatsoever as to the cost of weddings these days. Before you do that, however, you may also want to have a similar conversation with your dad and stepmom, explaning just how expensive weddings are these days and asking them if they would possibly reconsider helping with the aforementioned bills.

Member
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

ah, thanks for the extra info – its not as if she emailed them a $20K bill and said here it is (whew)

to be honest, going by her reaction i would be happy not accept a single cent from them and move on

Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@BearcatBetch:  I know how it is to be completely different then one of your arents. My dad moved 5 hours away when I was young and we only saw him a couple of times a year. We rarely see eye to one on things. I also get the step mom dynamic, because I have one too. Fortunately I do get along with her. I think the best way to handle things with your Dad is to work on your relationship with him one on one. Maybe grabbing dinner or something just the two of you and making him your primary contact. If there is something you wnat him involoved with wedding wise ask him directly your self face to face, that way he realises it is more about him being involved then you wanting the money. I know these things are tricky especially when it comes to big events like weddings. Good luck!

Member
4703 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 1966

I think your step mum was just blown away by the amount you are spending on the wedding that you are expecting other people to pay for. She may have been under the assumption that it was a budget wedding and that helping out would be a good helping hand. She may also have been embarrassed and/or insulted by the fact that your FMIL mentioned that they are dropping approx $26K for your wedding. To me that part was unneccassary- kind of like saying well we are spending all of this money the least you can do is pay $1300 for cake and flowers.

Also your FMIL should probably have asked first what your dad & SM’s budget was fro helping out financially for the wedding. And then emailed a list of things that they could help pay for.

Also it is your SM & Dads money (since they are in marriage) so yes it should be mutual decision what they spend there money on.

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