My family hate my fiancé! (& have told me not to marry him)

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1609 posts
Bumble bee

You are in a no-win situation. Your parents sound manipulative, childish and very unsupportive. It doesn’t sound like they are objecting to your marriage because they have legitimate concerns about your life and happiness. Tell them in no uncertain terms that you are an adult and you are committed to your fiance, and they don’t have to love him, but they cannot continue to be so disrespectul to you both. Carry on with your wedding and if they choose not to support and celebrate your marriage, they don’t need to attend the wedding. If they come and disrupt things, have security escort them out. Tough situation, I’m sorry you are going through this.

Post # 3
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

How did your parents’ relationship with your FI come about?  Have they always disliked him or was there some event which caused them to change their minds?  My parents loathed one of my exes for the sole reason that they didn’t think I should have been dating at age 20 (I was in college living independently at the time).  He was a great guy and we had a good relationship while it lasted, but my parents didn’t care about anything like that and fought me on it constantly.  That was pretty much the point in my life where I cut them out of my personal affairs.  I do not share anything related to relationships, finances, or any other personal choices with them, and life has been fantastic since then.  We meet up for holidays and catch up occasionally, but I am still very conscious of these boundaries.  Their comment about your finances being their business is BS.  You are an adult living independently from them and are free to act like it.

For the time being, stop sharing your personal life with them.  That includes your relationship, finances, health, career, etc.  If your family objects to that, that is their problem and not yours.  Don’t invite them if you still feel uncomfortable with their behavior.  I think you’re completely justified in not wanting them around on your wedding day.  But if you choose not to invite them, be prepared for them being cut out of your life entirely.  Although based on your story, it sounds like having them out of your life might be a good thing after all.

Post # 5
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee

Sound like my mom , they want to control you . My mom is like this , been with my husband 9 years and she still thinks she the onky one that can take care of me . I had to x her out of my life it gotten to the point i had to x my twin out . And its been the best thing for me . Maybe just dont talk to them for few months .

Post # 6
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

Tell them to shove it! No seriously!!! I know they probably think they love you and are really concerned about you but this is outrageous behavior on their part. Tell them to either be supportive or shut up. Carry on planning your wedding, and if they choose to be a part of it GREAT! If not, that will be their loss!

Post # 7
Member
884 posts
Busy bee

all I can say is sorry. I can’t imagine how tough it is without the endless support of your parents. My only advice is, as far as I know, you only have one shot in this life. Don’t waste time with people who make you feel bad, even if they created you.

hope things settle before the wedding. 

 

Post # 10
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I could have written your OP except the reasons my parents give for not liking my SO is that he’s “not country club appropriate” and “won’t be able to support me in the way I’m entitled”. It’s all BS. I’ve never met a more supportive man in my life. But I won’t pretend like my parent’s attitude isn’t causing issues because they continue to treat me poorly and my SO gets furious about it. I’ve been struggling with it for a while, actually probably a good portion of the relationship but at this point I’ve given up with my parents. I completely understand that you’re angry and frustrated…I am too. It’s not fun. Parents are supposed to be supportive. The best advice I can give you is what I keep telling myself. This is your day, not theirs. I’m not going to bend over backwards to make them happy if it causes me misery. Surround yourself with supportive people – whether just friends or family members too. Hopefully they’ll realise that they’re the odd ones out and are being ridiculous. 

Good luck! 

Post # 11
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you’re in this situation.  I agree with the above posters that it seems your parents are manipulative and controlling.  To use a somewhat cliched term, they have become toxic to your health and personal happiness.  For your own wellbeing, I think it would be beneficial for you to limit your contact with them or to simply refuse to discuss certain things with them (it seems you’ve tried this already with little success).  If you already see a therapist for your medication, maybe you could discuss this issue with your parents with him/her and find a way to have a relationship with them that is healthy for you.  

As for whether or not they should come to your wedding, I think that depends on how willing you are to keep them in your life in the future.  Have they always had tendencies to act irrationally or make you anxious?  If it’s important to you, I think, with the help of a therapist or a book on the subject of toxic relationships or even emotional abuse, you can find a way to find the words to tell them that they must change their behavior by x-date (ideally a time before your wedding day) or they won’t be welcome at the wedding of their daughter.  CaptainAwkward.com (the name sounds hilarious, I know) is actually a really great advice-column-style website where the topics deal with all sorts of relationship issues, and the author often deals with how to set boundaries in relationships and could be a good resource to you.

Good luck!

 

Post # 12
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

I posted something simular but it was my aunt, because of an age difference between my fiance and I. I am not inviting her. are they helping you pay for the wedding? Can I ask how old you are?

My son has bipolar and I know at some point he will have to take care of himself, he is on meds now, I can only take care of himfor so long.they over stepped their boundaries.You should tell them if they do not respect it,then dont go.

Post # 13
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well..obviously I agree that your parents are behaving ridiculously.

What I would do if I were you, is limit contact with them as much as possible. Invite them to the wedding, but don’t discuss any wedding details with them in any way at all. They won’t ruin your day..trust me..your day is about you and your fiance and you will barely even have time to notice anyone else. 

If you’re truly happy with your fiance, I can honestly just recommend limiting contact with your parents. Maybe they will grow out of it, maybe they won’t. Either way, you need to put your own happiness first.

Post # 14
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

RavenDawn32:  I can’t imagine how your FI must feel to know the way they talk about him and yet they are still a part of your lives. You need to disengage from them big time. Any time they start in on your FI, end the conversation/visit right there. Simply refuse to listen to them badmouthing him in any way.

It would be one thing if their concerns were valid, but they are illogical and bizarre. Their meddling will continue into your marriage of you let it, you need to stop it now. And don’t invite them to the wedding if you have even the faintest idea that they will cause a scene–it’s not worth it.

Post # 15
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

If your family isn’t happy with your fiance? I say who cares don’t invite them to your wedding. If they can’t support you than they don’t deserve an invite. Your family isn’t marrying your fiance, you are. So who cares what they think. You should marry whoever you choose and only invite people who will support your marriage and not those that don’t. I learned that just because your blood doesn’t make you family. 

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