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Am I alone in that my family can not afford to hand over thousands of dollars for my wedding? I've been reading on the other boards and parents are contributing to weddings-5,000 and more!
I asked my aunt about this (I don't have relations with my mother and my father is deceased) and she said black people don't usually save up for their kids weddings. Is this true...why? Just doesn't seem fair. I'm 22, in college and paying for my own wedding....
I don't think it's a black thing, my parents didn't save up or pay for my wedding either. We paid for it all ourselves.
that's ok.. my parents didn't save for me either.. and im white/puerto rican. my fiance is paying for most of it.. he is black and his sister got some help from his parents but i don't know the full details. plus i really don't think it has much to do about race. everyone's situation and lifestyle is different. :)
Its def not a black thing im sure a lot of people are in the same situation : /
lol... ethnicity has nothing to do w/ it! I mean, it may be some peoples' tradition, but certainly not my family's (I'm caucasian & 23 & in school).
I have a single mom and his family has 3 kids in college/med school. So, yeah, our small wedding is being paid for by us. Thats just how it is, but other than not being able to have a grand wedding... at least we get to pick out what we want. :)
Not a black thing. I'm black and my dad is contributing a few thousand while my mom and stepdad are contributing $500. My dad saves a lot in general so he was able to give a financial assist.
I agree, its not a black thing. My FI is AA and his parents (upper middle class) paid for both of his sisters' weddings. I think it is more a class/economic thing. Upper middle class families usually have disposal income for these kinds of things. It also just depends on what has always been done in your family or social circle. In your family, it may just not be tradition. I'm sure that's tough! What about your FI's family - would they be willing to pitch in?
Not a black thing. I know plenty of people(black) who had their parents give money for their wedding. Granted, they didn't save it up, but they gave what they could.
My parents didn't save for my wedding(whenever that IS,LOL) but if they had and I hadn't paid my student loans off already, I'd use it for that rather than for my future wedding. If my mom offered now though, I'd just tell her to keep it since I have the means and if I didn't I'd just get what I could afford.
its definately not a black thing - like daniellemybelle says - its more an economic/social class type of thing. my parents paid for my sister's full wedding, and are paying the majority of mine (they would have paid more but i wont let them since both myself and FH have good paying jobs and are a bit older) and thats the standard of pretty much everyone i know.
in our family its tradition that the bride's family pays - but we are old south though. nowadays, especially if the couple is older or if there are unique circumstances, the couple pays part if not all of their weddings.
His mother is an accountant and his father works for the government. My family isn't poor, they're not rich either but noone has contributed anything.
Yep. I asked my grandfather who retired from a good job and has no mortgage or car payment and he just told me to cut down on things. FI's family says that want to stay out of all wedding planning and my aunt and uncle are willing to chip in a bit but they have other priorities.
Not a black thing at all. My parents didn't save anything for mine or my sister's weddings.
not an ethnic issue, I am asian, my FI is white and we are paying for it ourselves. We are older and our parents MAY choose to give us some money for us as wedding gift, but we are not asking. I was in my 20's when I got married the first time, my parents may have a few thousand that they could have contributed I am sure, but didn't offer and I didn't ask, so I didn't have a wedding the first time.
I might add... I asked my mother to buy my gown as this year's b-day, x-mas, and wedding gift... lol (she said yes!)! And today he is asking his parents to help w/ deposits. We had no expectations about anyone paying for it, but we had hoped that the things that need to be taken care of ASAP they could handle.
Maybe I should ask them for specific things instead of just money. Thanks, mandalee
Definately not an ethnicity related issue at all! I'm the youngest child out of 5 AND the only girl (4 older brothers) and my mom was a single parent and couldn't afford to save up for much of anything, let alone my wedding. I got married 3 months ago, at 29 years old, and me and my hubby paid for all of it. While it was happening I did think to myself sometimes "wouldn't it be nice to have someone ELSE paying for this?" BUT in a way it was good because WE were in full control over every aspect of the wedding. If someone else were paying for it, I would have felt sort of obligated to meet their desires/demands which would have meant sacrificing my own on the most special day of my life.
I think its an race thing---cause we're asian and my parents save for EVERYTHING! :)
THANK THE LORD!! :)
My parents also didn't have anything to contribute to our wedding. They were definitely not saving for my wedding.
To clarify, I think very few families actually save for a daughter's wedding the way they save for college. It's just not that big of a priority and its not as much of a given as college these days (which is good!). So I don't think its unusual at all that your family didn't set aside money ahead of time. My mom is paying for my wedding almost entirely (FI and I will contribute around $1000 worth of small things) but she isn't drawing from, like, a special wedding savings account. She's just using what she can scrap up, basically!
I think you might be on the right track to ask for specific things. I hate to generalize when it comes to race or culture, but FI's family (again, African American) is actually very into paying for specific things rather than cutting a check. With his sisters' weddings, his mom paid for the reception while his sisters' dad paid for the dress and the flowers. So you might have some luck if you tell your mom, aunt, grandfather, whoever - "I really want a beautiful wedding dress for my special day, but FI and I just can't afford much. It would mean so much if you could help me get the dress of my dreams as a wedding/graduation/birthday/Christmas present, and I will think of you every time I see in the pictures!" I think a wedding dress has the most sentimental value so you would have the best luck asking for that as opposed to flowers or food, but then you'll have money freed up for those other things! Good luck!
I agree, it's not race-related either.
My parents (when my dad was alive) contributed little for my 1st wedding, and I'm doing it all (with FI) ourselves this time around. His parents are doing the rehearsal dinner though.
This seems to be the way things are today, especially with the way the economy is.
You can do it though! We're having an elegant wedding and reception and not going broke either in the process! There's plenty of brides here doing it themselves and alot of blogs dedicated to the budget-conscious bride too!
We opted for an intimate destination wedding and reception. Not cutting any corners but yet having all we wanted and more! By us having an intimate wedding, we have been able to cut down on tons of costs. I have no prob not inviting my second cousin or people we only see once a decade or so. I'd rather have those around me who are active in our lives be our guests.
We're here for you! don't worry! There are many creative ways to have a fabulous wedding for less.
I don't think it's a race thing. I'm African American and my parents are helping to pay for half of the wedding. They didn't save up for the wedding, but have been contributing monthly since we got engaged. My FI and I are paying for the other half. My FI is white, and his parents aren't in the financial position to help us with much, but they are contributing what they can towards the rehearsal dinner.
my parents never saved up for mine either. but they somehow came up with a few thousand to give us.
Awwwww @FutureMrs. It's definitely not a black thing as you can see by these posters...I can defiinitely sympathize with you though as far as not having anyone contribute...
I agree with other posters in that in general, most families don't save up for their daughters wedding...I will say that if we go by statistics though, African American Familes do (on average) make less household income than their white counterparts...so that may be why your aunt said that...in general, we may not have the money...(
We didn't have anyone to contribute to our wedding, we're definitely older though, so we had a cushion to work with...being in college, or just graduating, If you don't have a lot to spend, I think that means you can be as frugally creative as you want :)
I have some general suggestions that I used so if you want them, you can pm me...
My dad never had money set aside for my wedding. The reason why he paid for it is because he got some insurance money.
Neither one of our parents helped pay for our wedding, we paid for it almost completely on our own, with a little help from friends
my mom and dad are seperated. by no means, do they have a lot of money. but i do understand your pain. what we opt for was the paid the deposits for the venue and on my dress. of course, i believe my mom and dad will give his money as a wedding gift too. getting real specific and very organized. that's what i had to do. good luck! and yeah, i don't think most parents save for weddings. money may be set aside for college, but not for weddings. :-)
I'm not sure it's a class OR racial thing. My parents just flat out refused to give us money for a "party" (when we said we didn't want to get married in Jamaica like they wanted us to AND the 'party' consisted f 90% his family and our friends) when we had a 50% chance of divorce...they didn't want to "waste" their money. And they retired in their 40's...sometimes people WITH money are the cheapest of them all 
I"ll have to chime in that it is a combination of socio-economic status and tradition. I also don't think that most parents have like, a "wedding account" for their daughter... but whenever the daughter gets engaged they give what they can. My parents aren't pulling any money out of a savings account for my wedding but they basically figured out what they could afford to put towards my wedding each month x how long our engagement is = how much they're giving us. All of my aunts/uncles/friends had their parents help (or just pay for) their weddings. I actually did not think my parents would help with mine because they helped me with law school and I thought it was an either/or kind of thing... but my dad said he felt like it was his duty/honor to help with my wedding. (And for the record, they are helping with my brother's wedding this year too... but not as much as my wedding.)
I have to agree with ejs here in that I believe it is not a class or racial thing. My parents contributed whatever they could but most of their contribution was them helping me with projects and such which made my life easier. They just had way more important priorites and I truly understood that. We did get some financial help from my MIL and her husband but nothing from my FIL.
Our goal for our wedding was to pay for this wedding by ourselves in cash only. We were grateful for the support we did receive but we didn't expect anything from either one of them. If we didn't have the support that they provided, we would have cut down on some things but it wouldn't have been earth shattering.
My parents had set aside a savings to cover all sorts of children events. They said their account was for Graduations; Weddings; College Tuition. I think it all depends on the parents income level and what they decide to do with they're extras each month. They didn't attend college so they knew they wanted us to have that option. I don't at all think it's a race thing.
I ended up with a full scholarship in college, so the money that my parents saved up for that will be going towards whatever I want it to. (Right now it'll be split between the wedding and a down payment on a house.) I think it's a very individual decision.
As everyone ha already said it has nothing to do with race as it does , what they can afford. my mothr has been working in iraq fr thepast year and a half so she is basically footing the whole bill but had she not we would have just had to suck it up and get what we could afford... even with this in mind i have been trying to save her as much a possible.
You can't go by what others are doing... u have to work with what u have... u can't expect to have a "platinum wedding" on a "sterling silver budget"
My mother basically raised me by herself so a college or wedding fund weren't even possible but now that i have my own duaghter my mom has already started the college fund (she's 2) it's allabout about going what u can with what u have...
and like som other bees said don't say " I'm getting married give me money" try " hey i found this great venue and it $XYZ more than i had budgeted , do u think you could help?" that way people feel like the know where their money is going
I'm AA. My dad paid for my 1st wedding completely. My mom bought the dress, the invitations and paid the postage. (They're seperated.) Oh yea, she also paid for the centerpieces. My XH and I did not spend a dime. They even paid for the presents for the wedding party!
We are not wealthy by any means and they never saved up for my wedding. It just happened that my dad was able to afford what he was able to afford at the time.
That said, if/when I get married again we'll pay for it all ourselves. Even if my parents could afford to pay for it again (and they can't) I wouldn't allow it.
I really don't get what race has to do with saving for your child's wedding. I am almost offended by that comment! It is a families person preference if they want to save or contribute to a wedding. The color of your skin has nothing to do with it!
We're paying for it ourselves. Like other people have posted, our families just have different monetary priorities and just didn't save up for a big wedding. Also they think it's character building - and FH and I wouldn't have it any other way. This way it's our wedding and because nobody else is inputting money then nobody else can tell us what to do.
I am happy to be paying for my own wedding, I feel like it is really mine, and no one can say anything about the way we do anything for our day. My parents are retired, and we have the money to do it ourselves. I find that I have a much more frugal approach and an "oh hell no" to overpriced wedding priced items. I think if more of us were paying for our own weddings, there would be less of a mark-up on wedding items.
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