Post # 1
Hi, guys! Let me start off by saying that I don’t have a healthy family at all. They have a history of being emotionally and mentally abusive, so bear that in mind while reading this.
I’m planning on getting married in early November (the 10th, if possible). My original plan was to have a big wedding in March. While I was planning said wedding, though, I realized a few things: my SO and I are too broke for that, I didn’t want to wait that long, and I was tired of having the stress of planning it on top of schoolwork. I decided to have a small, family-only wedding at the courthouse.
His family is fine with the idea and respects us for being fiscally responsible enough to avoid debt. My family, however, is freaking out because they think it’s too soon and that I should have a big wedding. They say that the wedding is about the family more than us. My mom’s all upset because she can’t have her friends see me get married (not that she would have anyway since we weren’t inviting people we didn’t know).
The general problem now is that they won’t leave me alone about it. Every day, they try to guilt trip me and get me to change my mind. They even bribed me by saying that they’d pay for the whole wedding if I’d wait until March… the catch being that I’d have to wait longer and let them invite whoever they wanted.
This has turned into a really crappy thing for me even though it should be a happy thing. I’m dreading that day because I have to invite my family (they have my car insured under their names) and I know they’re gonna be jerks the whole day.
Please help? 🙁
Post # 2
Oh I hear the stress coming off of you. I know it’s difficult but you need to simply ignore their voices and focus on one thing only…. you’re getting married to the love of your life. If a small itimate wedding is truly what both of you want, go for it. It’s not your families wedding. It’s you and your significants wedding.
I am feeling the pressure as well from my family and thus far its been a difficult ride but I know our day will be worth it in the end because its what WE wanted and not what THEY want.
Post # 3
I would let them know how much a typical wedding in your area would cost. If they are still ok with paying it I would go with the flow. It is not a big deal to you but obviously this is a big deal to your family. If you really feel like taking this on then I would have the insurance for your car transferred into your name asap and take the chance that they will ruin your wedding day with snide comments or worse not attend and resent you.
Remember that this is not just a big event in YOUR life but also THEIRS because their little girl is getting married. A compromise can be made by working with your family instead of against them on the must have people while keeping it intimate. Maybe once they see the cost of actually hosting a wedding they will get onboard with the smaller wedding idea.
Post # 4
I would be blunt and tell them that there will be no further wedding discussion unless it is an RSVP to the courthouse ceremony. They’re not wrong that weddings are usually big events for families, but ultimately it is not their wedding to plan and not their decision to make. Remember that this day is to celebrate you and your SO. Your family is free to be jerks and make a scene, but they’re only hurting themselves by doing so.
Don’t accept any of their money even if they say it will be for your small intimate ceremony. Also, get your insurance changed. Auto insurance can be surprisingly cheap if you have a plan with a spouse (assuming you have decent driving histories). My husband and I’s insurance rate dropped like a rock when we merged our policies together.
Post # 5
fall2014: Thanks for replying! The problem with telling them how much it costs is that it won’t matter. This isn’t about my actual wedding; it’s a power struggle. My whole life, my parents and family have had absolute control over everything I do. The money is a bribe. They want me to do what they want, and they’ll do anything to get that. I get that it’s a big event in their lives, and that’s why I’m inviting them to come with us to the courthouse. The only people who will be there are my immediate family (plus my grandmother since she’s so important in my life) and my SO’s immediate family. I don’t want to have to worry about a bunch of other people coming. I could have simply eloped and avoided all this drama, but I’m trying to compromise with them. They just don’t like what I’m offering. 🙁
Post # 6
bleusteel: Thanks for your advice. After reading that, I definitely think I’ll be getting my insurance switched. I’m just sick of them having leverage over me like that, y’know? I hadn’t even thought about switching my insurance. What do I do if they won’t let me, though, since it’s technically “their” car?
Post # 7
cestdanielle: If you don’t have a car titled in your name, you can still get nonowners insurance. It gives you the legally required coverage but you don’t need to have your own car. I had it for a gap between selling a car and waiting for a new one and had no issues.