Post # 1
To be honest I don’t know why but my dad’s parents and all his siblings absolutely hate me and my family. It’s something that has been going on my entire life. I’m now 20 and I’ve finally come to realized I just can’t included them in my day to day life. Since I’ve started college there really isn’t much to include them in anyway.
They are extremely hateful towards me and my family, my grandma will sit in a way so her back is to us and occationally give us a discusted look. My grandpa usually attends our events and acts semi-interesting in being involved in our life but if he truly loved and cared for us and was any kind of a man he wouldn’t allow his family to get to the point it has.
Long story short I’m afraid if I invite them and no one shows it will hurt. If I don’t invite them I will have to be prepared for the drama that may or may not follow. If they do end up coming (which I’m almost certain they won’t, unless it’s my grandparents, who do it as a chore) I know it will be negative. I will spend the night trying to make a family that will never love me, accept me. Then on a bit more of a selfish note I don’t want to pay for their attendance since chances are all they will do is judge me, my life, and my wedding.
My grandmother has even made nasty comments about my SO in regards to him studying to be a nurse, to me. Why would the day we get married be any different?
In the past they have invided us to all of their graduation stuff and my older cousins wedding, which my parents did not attend, my sister and I did and it was a mistake because they didn’t treat us any better.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately that I really want that day to be happy and if I put the “ball in their court” so to speak I’m allowing them the ability to hurt me. Another point I had was since they have no reason to be mad at me as it is, maybe this will give them a reason and since they are bitter anyway it really doesn’t matter what I do they will never want me to be part of their life.
Anyway, has anyone else dealt with anything similar? What did you do?
Even if you haven’t, some advice would be great because having an entire side of a family dislike you for no apparent reason is SO INCREDIBLY painful.
Post # 3
definitely don’t invite them unless you think you will be happy they are there and regret it if they aren’t – which it doesn’t seem like either of those will happen. You should surround yourself with people who love and support you on your wedding day – those people may or may not be “family” but that’s okay.
Post # 4
I would invite them, since not doing so is a “no turning back” kind of a message to send to them. I know it’s awful being on the receiving end of crappiness, but wouldn’t you like to think of yourself as above their behavior?
As for your grandfather, I have to stick up for him here. When you say “if he truly loved and cared for us and was any kind of a man he wouldn’t allow his family to get to the point it has,” you are minimizing the free will other people have. Unfortunately, your grandfather is not almighty, and cannot control how other people maintain relationships. As idealistic as this seems, it’s impossible. If your grandfather is trying, try to give him some credit where it’s due. He may be stuck between a rock and a hard place with the dichotomy of feelings from other members of the family and how he feels.
Whatever you do, I wish you luck, and I hope things settle down in this area.
Post # 5
Thank you both for the replies <3
In referance to my relationship with my grandpa he has a relationship with my dad, actually a pretty good one, but he won’t make one with my sister, mom, or myself. Normally the things he does is to keep the relationship with my dad going. He’s tried talking to me and right after asking me about my career plans and I’ve begun to answer he walked away while I was in mid sentence to go see my dad…
I guess I felt like I could depend on him to not allow the rest of the family to say nasty things to and about my immediate family. Or at least remind them my dad is their brother and he chose to have a life with my mom.
Ironically one of my aunts has the same thing going on to her from her husband’s family.
Maybe I just have a compltely distorted view as to what roles family members have in each others lives.
Post # 6
I don’t get it why are they so hateful towards you’re family? Sorry if i am being nosy
Post # 7
@lindsayl22: lol it’s okay. As crazy as it sounds I honestly have NO idea. I wondered if there was a fight or someone did something, but I guess not.
In the past year they’ve started saying they are mad because our grandma is sick and we’re not doing anything to help her. But my dad really is he’s done a lot for her, as for the rest of us she just doesn’t want us anywhere near her, so how can I be helpful???
My great aunt (loved her to pieces) recently passed away, she’d been battling cancer for ten years. They alienated her like they do us, so they pick and choice who they have empathy for in the family. My grandma decided she didn’t like my great aunt either so the rest followed suit.
Post # 8
I think you need to talk to your father and let him know how having a bad relationship with his family is making you feel. Ask him how this has come about. If he doesn;t know then I think you have bigger problems and I would lay blame with both sides. Family and relationships need communication and what I am getting from your post is that noone is communicating but rather ignoring the elephant in the room.
If your father wont/can’t shed any light ont he situation I would talk to another family member that you feel is excluding your side of the family. Let them knwo how important family is to you. but remember not to be accusational- come at it from a when this 9insert thing) happens it makes me feel (insert what you feel).
Honestly it could be a simple misunderstanding of something that was said 20/30/40 years ago! Such as your mother said something unintentionally that hurt your fathers family when they were dating! Without commuication it just isn’t going to end.
Post # 9
@j_jaye: Thank you that was a very helpful response!
Post # 10
I was guessing that maybe they didn’t like your mother for some reason? Maybe ask your dad if he thinks you should invite them?
Post # 11
did your gm like your mom? maybe thats where her crazy is coming from
if she doesnt have enough respect to make eye contact with you and makes nasty comments about your FI then why would you want her there on a day you are suppose to be happy and in love
leave them off the invite list. you dont deserve letting people making you feel like rubbish so dont give them the power!
Post # 12
I agree that you should try to get to the bottom of it and make your feelings known in a calm way. If the response to this is negative, I’d honestly not invite them. I don’t necessarily think inviting them anyway is being the better person. It’s just saying no to being disrespected. It’s a special day and not one you deserve negativity on.
Post # 13
I couldn’t invite them… but I think I have a different perspective on etiquette VS real life. I just never, ever see the point of having someone I dislike or that dislikes me being at my wedding! I know this is family but if family is more like “people who can’t stand me” well…
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2012 - Padua Hills Theater
I agree you should talk to your Dad and get his input. It’s a tough situation because you should be surrounded by people who love an support you and your FI on your wedding day. I personally wouldn’t want anyone there who was going to ignore me or bad mouth me the whole time. But if my Dad said to me, it’s important ti me that they be invited, I would invite them. I would ask other family members options as well. Like your Mom for one who has had to deal with this for a long time it seems
Post # 15
We have a similar issue except that instead of a whole family, it’s one person. FI’s Aunt hates the family. I have never ever met this woman and am not sure that I want to. I had her on our guest list and he had me take her off. Honestly, be the better person. Invite them. If they don’t show up you will then know that you are infact the better person and clearly more mature.
Post # 16
This didn’t happen to me, but to my best friend (I was MOH). She grew up in an estranged family – her father didn’t have much to do with his siblings and therefore she didn’t spend much time with that extended section of the family (his parents had passed away). She felt, much like you, that it would be nice of her to extend invitations to the estranged family much like extending an olive branch. She received a response card from her Aunt about a week after she sent invites…
With the response card came a note. The note told her that she was rude and gift-grabby. Literally, her Aunt wrote that she was ashamed of her niece and her not-so-subtle attempts to get more gifts. The note concluded with basically “have a nice life and leave me out of it”. My friend was in tears for two days…she felt horrible and there was no reason for her to be treated like that.
Based on that and the similarities to your situation – if I were in your shoes, I would let sleeping dogs lie and not open this can of worms (I can’t stop with the cliches)!