Post # 1
My mother and I have always had a non-functioning relationship. It started as soon as I was born, and I believe it’s because I love my father and I “took away attention” from her.
Long story short: I graduated from college in December and am waiting for graduate school to begin next August. My parents told me if I moved home they would buy me a car (I’ve never owned one) and although I knew it was a mistake, I was desperate. My city is one of those places where the public transport doesn’t function on time, and walking/biking to the office isn’t an option.
So yesterday my mother and I get into a fight and she starts telling me I don’t own anything, the gifts they’ve given me (books, clothing, my car, my room) don’t belong to me. Nothing is “mine” they are all hers. I went to my room, cooked dinner for the family when my dad came home and was done with it.
So I wake up this morning because we are morning people and I get a sip of coffee and reach for a cupcake that mom made for valentine’s day. She tells me “is that a part of your diet”. She’s obese, and she made me join weight watchers with her because I’M fat supposedly. (5’3”, 130 lbs—the “goal” is now 113). Sensing that she was looking to pick a fight (because my mother is passive aggressive like this) I went and sat on the couch. She began putting me down yet again, about how unappreciative I am, how she does everything, blah blah. She was trying to start a fight.
Getting frustrated I go to get my laptop saying “let me go see if I have an stupid email” from this director of the program I get into (read as: the director sent me a nasty email yesterday). So then a HUGE fight erupts in which both my parents are screaming at me like I’m 13 again and I am crying. My mother saying what a whore I am and how I am a lazy good for nothing (just graduated with honors). My father telling me how I have no sympathy blah blah.
And now to the title of my post. My father calls me up to tell me that my mother is my mother and he’s been dealing with the abuse for 25 years and that being an adult means taking people’s shit and not saying a word to defend yourself. And that “love” means taking my mother’s abuse and not fighting back. And that if I can’t “love” my mother then obviously I’m troubled.
Am I crazy? Does “love” mean taking my mother’s emotional and verbal abuse? Does love mean I should let my mother call me a whore and worthless and selfish? I have been sobbing since 7:30 and looking for anyway to get the hell out of this house. “Last chance to be a family before the wedding” my ass.
Sorry it’s so long.
Post # 3
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry :(. You know that love doesn’t mean you have to suffer abuse. Get out of there as soon as you can.
Post # 4
If that’s love, it’s a pretty F***ED up type. Abuse is abuse. It’s not love, or care, and if it’s a love language it’s one that uses bad words. You already know you have to get out, but you need to get out NOW. Leave with just the shirt on your back if you have to.
Post # 5
Wow, your mom sounds really mean. If I were you I’d give them the damn car back & move out. That way she has no hold on you and can stop with the “you own nothing” tirade.
Where does your Fiance live? Is it possible to move in with him or get a place while waiting for grad school? It sounds from your post like you have a job, so I’d hightail it out of there!
Post # 6
oh my goodness, no, you’re dad is just wrong. love is not allowing someone to abuse you emotionally and verbally at all! love is about mutually supporting each other, not tearing each other down
Post # 7
Aw you poor thing! No, love is respect and understanding. I’m not sure how your mother’s relationship was with her parents but she’s obviously very misguided. Do you have any siblings? Does she treat them this way too? My mom and I fight sometimes, but it’s because we’re both very strong willed and opinionated with very short tempers – bad combo, but if she’s out of line with me I’m very quick to point it out to her. You’re an adult and seem to be doing great for yourself and your mother should be proud of the fact she’s raised such an outstanding person! Your father is an enabler by allowing this and saying you should just take it. You’re not fat at all! I’m 5’3″ and I weigh 125 and people tell me I’m too thin sometimes. I hope you aren’t staying there much longer, that’s so awful of them to say those things to you.
Post # 8
If that’s what your dad wants to put up with, that’s his choice, but you’re an adult. Move out. No car is worth dealing with that bullshit.
Post # 9
My mother is much the same as yours, always looking for ways to belittle me or critiicise my choices/actions.
Love is unconditional caring–reciprocal caring. Abuse is not love. “taking it” for someone else’s sake is NOT love, it’s simply enabling her behaviour and damaging your sense of self.
Post # 10
Is there somewhere you can go for support? An abused women’s shelter? A councilor? A trusted friend? Anything. Something about your life has to change. If they cut you off, what would they be cutting you off from? Your car? Anything else (other bills, etc)?
Post # 11
I am sorry you are going through this. Be strong.
Post # 12
@MissHobbit: I suppose if worse came to worse and they disowned me my Future Mother-In-Law (who doesn’t believe in cohabitation) wouldn’t want me living on the street (this is the reason I don’t live with fiance now). The car would be gone obviously. Wouldn’t have clothes or computers or anything, but that would be it. I could use fiance’s.
It’s tough because if school where in session I could take out loans and just live off that till I get an assistantship in August. I’m looking for work as we speak just to leave. I feel bad for dad, but my entire childhood I was made to feel crazy, I don’t think I can deal with it for another 6 months.
Post # 13
Please leave. Please, please, get out now. Talk to your Future Mother-In-Law, a friend, your Fiance, anyone, and come up with a plan. And then, take your stuff and go. You are being abused and you should protect yourself and get out. I feel so sorry for your dad if that’s what he thinks love is. He’s wrong. You shouldn’t have to live like this anymore.
Post # 14
My Mother-In-Law has a similar approach as your dad and I think they are absolutely wrong.
You shouldn’t be punished just because your father CHOSE to take it. It’s a choice that he makes every single day and is in no way your fault.
Post # 15
OMG! I am so sorry that you are going through this. My Fiance and his siblings met with much the same fate. However both the parents were horrible to eachother and to kids. And they supposedly had a ‘love’ marriage.
Please talk to your Fiance about this and let him know how seriously damaging this is for your mental state. Let him see if he can convince his mom to let you stay or at least convince her to hear you out on it. Then she can hear from you herself what you are going through.
6 months is a LONG time to put up with this kind of behaviour. With all the other stress with Grad school, job search, wedding planning, you only have so much you can deal with at one time.
Post # 16
So by your father’s logic (“love means taking people’s shit and not saying a word to defend yourself”), doesn’t that mean that your mom should take YOUR (and his) shit and not defend HERSELF as well? Since she obviously doesn’t, does he mean to say she doesn’t love you or him? If that’s he means to imply, then why does that definition of love only apply to the two of you and not to her? This makes NO sense to me at all.
I agree with the PP. I’m all for saving money and love the idea of not living together until your wedding day (so romantic), but sometimes reality forces us into different choices…and I think this is one of those times for you. Go to your Fiance and his family and let them help you. They are your family too.