(Closed) My Father Equates Love To “Taking it”—Really Long but really need support

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry :(. You know that love doesn’t mean you have to suffer abuse. Get out of there as soon as you can.

Post # 4
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

If that’s love, it’s a pretty F***ED up type. Abuse is abuse. It’s not love, or care, and if it’s a love language it’s one that uses bad words. You already know you have to get out, but you need to get out NOW. Leave with just the shirt on your back if you have to.

Post # 5
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow, your mom sounds really mean. If I were you I’d give them the damn car back & move out. That way she has no hold on you and can stop with the “you own nothing” tirade.

Where does your Fiance live? Is it possible to move in with him or get a place while waiting for grad school? It sounds from your post like you have a job, so I’d hightail it out of there!

Post # 6
2462 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

oh my goodness, no, you’re dad is just wrong. love is not allowing someone to abuse you emotionally and verbally at all! love is about mutually supporting each other, not tearing each other down

Post # 7
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Aw you poor thing! No, love is respect and understanding.  I’m not sure how your mother’s relationship was with her parents but she’s obviously very misguided.  Do you have any siblings?  Does she treat them this way too?  My mom and I fight sometimes, but it’s because we’re both very strong willed and opinionated with very short tempers – bad combo, but if she’s out of line with me I’m very quick to point it out to her.  You’re an adult and seem to be doing great for yourself and your mother should be proud of the fact she’s raised such an outstanding person!  Your father is an enabler by allowing this and saying you should just take it.  You’re not fat at all! I’m 5’3″ and I weigh 125 and people tell me I’m too thin sometimes.  I hope you aren’t staying there much longer, that’s so awful of them to say those things to you.

Post # 8
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

If that’s what your dad wants to put up with, that’s his choice, but you’re an adult. Move out. No car is worth dealing with that bullshit. 

Post # 9
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011


My mother is much the same as yours, always looking for ways to belittle me or critiicise my choices/actions.

Love is unconditional caring–reciprocal caring. Abuse is not love. “taking it” for someone else’s sake is NOT love, it’s simply enabling her behaviour and damaging your sense of self.

Post # 10
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

Is there somewhere you can go for  support? An abused women’s shelter? A councilor? A trusted friend? Anything. Something about your life has to change. If they cut you off, what would they be cutting you off from? Your car? Anything else (other bills, etc)?

Post # 11
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am sorry you are going through this.  Be strong.

Post # 13
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Please leave.  Please, please, get out now.  Talk to your Future Mother-In-Law, a friend, your Fiance, anyone, and come up with a plan.  And then, take your stuff and go.  You are being abused and you should protect yourself and get out.  I feel so sorry for your dad if that’s what he thinks love is.  He’s wrong.  You shouldn’t have to live like this anymore.

Post # 14
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My Mother-In-Law has a similar approach as your dad and I think they are absolutely wrong. 

You shouldn’t be punished just because your father CHOSE to take it.  It’s a choice that he makes every single day and is in no way your fault. 

Post # 15
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

OMG! I am so sorry that you are going through this. My Fiance and his siblings met with much the same fate. However both the parents were horrible to eachother and to kids. And they supposedly had a ‘love’ marriage.

Please talk to your Fiance about this and let him know how seriously damaging this is for your mental state. Let him see if he can convince his mom to let you stay or at least convince her to hear you out on it. Then she can hear from you herself what you are going through.

6 months is a LONG time to put up with this kind of behaviour. With all the other stress with Grad school, job search, wedding planning, you only have so much you can deal with at one time.

Post # 16
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

So by your father’s logic (“love means taking people’s shit and not saying a word to defend yourself”), doesn’t that mean that your mom should take YOUR (and his) shit and not defend HERSELF as well?  Since she obviously doesn’t, does he mean to say she doesn’t love you or him?  If that’s he means to imply, then why does that definition of love only apply to the two of you and not to her?  This makes NO sense to me at all.

I agree with the PP.  I’m all for saving money and love the idea of not living together until your wedding day (so romantic), but sometimes reality forces us into different choices…and I think this is one of those times for you.   Go to your Fiance and his family and let them help you.  They are your family too.

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