Post # 1
My father and I haven’t gotten along in a while, mainly because of my fiancé. For some reason, he just doesn’t like him. Its strange because he loves my sister’s ex boyfriend who was a freaking drug dealer (and he knew about it – and I’m not talking just marijuana, I’m talking crack and other hard drugs). But he can’t stand my fiancé.
I think it’s mainly because my dad was saying that I was hard-headed and I wasted my life (b/c I had to leave school – I told him it was because I couldn’t pay for it anymore). He also said a few other things that weren’t so nice and my fiancé (boyfriend, at the time) told him that I didn’t waste my life and that he was proud of me. He also told my dad that he should be proud of me, too.
They haven’t spoken since. And neither have my father and I.
It hurts. Very much so. Prior to this incident, my father and I haven’t been able to talk to each other in years without an argument, so eventually we just stopped talking. I even tried going to his house to talk to him about how it hurts my feelings that we can’t talk to each other, but he completely ignored me, continued watching TV and didn’t even look at me. I just left and went back home.
Now, months later, my boyfriend and I are engaged and my mom told my dad (they are separated, btw) that I was getting married and asked if he was going to help pay for my wedding (I didn’t ask her to ask him, nor did I ask her to fund it) and he said no and he wasn’t even going to go.
I haven’t told anybody yet. I love my father very much and it really hurts my feelings. I’m not an emotional person normally, but when I am alone and I think about it, it makes me cry. Should I just take it in stride or try to talk to him?
I just don’t want to get my feelings hurt anymore.
Post # 3
I am so sorry! This is a hard one. Is it possible you and your dad are a lot alike? Maybe you not being in school makes him think of his own failures. I think I would write him a letter so you can carefully choose your words and he can really sit and think with it. Tell him you love him and focus on good times in the past. Don’t dwell on what has happened but tell him you want a relationship going forward. If after that he does not respond I would go ahead and ask an uncle to walk you down the aisle. I know it can hurt but you cannot live your life foe someone else.
Post # 4
I agree with writing a letter. Keep in mind your wedding is a ways off so things may change in time.
Post # 5
Personally, if you want your father there I think it’s going to take work on your part. I don’t know the history or story but for some reason your father sees your Fiance as public enemy #1. From what you’ve said, it’s because he feels like you’ve wasted your potential on him. Whether you have or not, this is about perspective. It sounds like you had a father that was “daughter proud” and when you left school, for whatever reason, he took that very hard. Pride is a deadly sin for a reason. It’s hard as hell to get over!
I think you need to go to your father alone, as an adult in this situation and speak with him frankly if you want him to come to your wedding. You have to let him see that you still are a woman with a great deal of worth and though you may not have a degree you have a life that you are proud of and have many accomplishments. These have happened with Fiance beside you. I think you also have to tell him that you are not asking him to marry your Fiance, or even accept him if he’s not ready. but that he is the man that you have chosen to spend your life with and at the very least he should be respectful of that fact alone. It will ultimately be up to him as to whether he grows beyond his childish tantrum stage in this.
If you chose to go to your father, it will be an emotionally draining day, but at least you will clear the air and will know exactly where you stand in your relationship with him. Also note, it was probably hard for him to hear 2nd hand from his ex-wife that you’re engaged. Even not liking the man, it’s got to hurt that your daughter is hiding important life moments from you. For a proud man, it’s got to be agonizing.
Hope this helps and hang in. My dad will be an absent figure at our wedding, so I know it’s sensitive.