(Closed) My father says Wait… My boyfriend takes it as a NO

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@thatgirldukez:  i dont understand why this is even your fathers decision. I get wanting to be respectful and carrying on tradition but you’re 24, not 18..If you and your BF feel that you are ready to take the next step then i dont believe anyone should be included. After all a marriage is between two people not 3. Plus, if you already live together i dont see what the huge deal is. 

Post # 4
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

I agree, asking a girls father is respectful and a tradition, it’s not necessary. You are both adults and can make your own decisions. Sounds to me like your dad may not like your BF?

 

Post # 5
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think if YOU are ready, then you have a conversation with your BF. Tell him you don’t care if your father gives permission and you are ready to make the step forward together and let’s do this thing!

I mean, you are not your father’s property. You are an adult who has the capacity to make these choices for yourself.

Post # 6
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I”m confused…..

My boyfriend had went to my father to ask for my hand…My dad told him to wait till my dad thinks were ready.

and

…while my father doesn’t want to be involved with giving permission he has told me that I am old enough to make that decision

 

Which is it?  Either your dad told your boyfriend to wait until your dad think’s you’re ready…. or your dad doesn’t want to be involved with giving permission.

 

Seems to me like this is a communication issue.  Figure out what it actually is…. and proceed from there.

Post # 8
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Make a “date” to meet with your dad somewhere public and have an open, honest, and calm discussion about why he doesn’t think you’re ready.  Try to be understanding because for many fathers nobody is good enough for their daughter.  When he sees how important your BF is to you and how mature you are by coming to talk to your father like an adult, he may decide that you are ready.

You also need to be prepared for your father to say he is not supportive of your relationship and if his reasons are not good enough, to respond like an adult.  “I love you Dad.  I am sorry you feel that way but BF and I have been living together for over a year and we feel that we are ready to get married and hope that you can respect our decision and be supportive of our marriage.”  My dad was not supportive of my current engagement because I have been divorced and he doesn’t think anyone is worthy enough for me.  We have had a longish engagement (just why of two years) and over time he has come to better understand why my FH and I are good together and want to get married.

Post # 9
Member
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@thatgirldukez:  oh, yes, that’s really tough…I understood immediately what you were saying, you guys want his blessing! You know you can do whatever you want, but Dad blessings are important to some of us. I guess the only thing you can do is just ask him why? You presume it is because you two lived together prior to marriage…probably a good guess, but maybe he could just come out and say it for you so you’ll know. I’m sure that if there isn’t anything character-wise he’s concerned about with your boyfriend he will be supportive once you two are officially engaged and eventually married. Is he a strongly religious man, and your boyfriend is not a religious person? That could likely be his concern. If that’s the case, there is nothing you can do to change his opinion…but he will probably get over it once you two are married for some time. It kind of freaks my mom out that my fiance is not a Christian, so if that’s what is going on then I understand your situation.

Post # 10
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Well if it is true that your dad doesn’t think that you should need his permission and your SO won’t propose until he has your fathers permission then I would just recommend that you get your father to tell him that.

And if your father didn’t think that you need his permission then why would he even tell your SO in the first place that he should wait until he (your father) thinks that you are ready to get married.

Not going to lie.  I am a little confused on where your dad actually stands in the situation.  But sounds like your father should have a sit down with your SO again.

Post # 11
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think your dad is very out of line and rude here. The nice thing to do would have been to told your boyfriend that he doesn’t want to be involved and is your decision only, not to say he thinks you guys are not ready.

i think you should have a talk with your dad, ask what his feelings are, and inform him that you’re an adult, that you tried to be respectful, but you have to do what you have to do.

Post # 12
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@thatgirldukez:  I know what you are going through except it is not my parents it is his. I am 27 and he is 30 we moved in together almost 2 years ago and have been together much longer than that. His parents were extremely upset when we moved in together. We both have a college education and good jobs but they didn’t feel we should move in together until we were married. My parents feel the opposite, they think you don’t really know someone until you live with them and share financially responsibilites. His parents are very un supportive at times about the decision we made to move in. They live 5 miles away from us and have been onve twice and once was the day after we moved in and this past Christmas. I think this is what is taking him so long to proposal. Hang in there and keep your head up. know that at the end of the day it is up to you two and if YOU BOTH are ready for the commitmet, no on else can tell you when you are ready.

Post # 13
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wy oh why did he ask him? Very lovely, but difficult to go against a decision like That.

 

my dad asked my mums dad for permission, he said no and my dad asked anyway….they were married for 26 years until my mother passed away at a youn age, but they were so happy. If you know it’s right, then go for it! 

Post # 14
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My father always said that if a guy came to HIM asking for MY hand in marriage he’d say, “Don’t ask me, ask her!” If you’re in love and want to get married after living together for a year and a half (which, let’s face it, is just about married) then just sign the paper and throw the party! Your dad will be proud of you for doing what’s best for you.

Post # 15
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sometimes Dads don’t know how to get in touch with their feelings. Dads have just the same amount of crazy as Moms do. It could be that he knew exactly what he was doing. I am sorry if that is the case.

If you find your father isnt being cooperative I would tell your SO that YOU want to marry him and that this is the 21st century and while having your fathers BLESSING (not permission) is nice, it’s not neccisary. There is nothing stopping the both of you from getting engaged, ESPECIALLY if you live together.

You can also let your dad that you are very disapointed in him for not allowing this to be a happy moment.

Post # 16
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I was in a similar situation except my so hasn’t asked my mom (my dad is a non factor) yet but she took it upon herself to tell him that if he did she would say no (he didn’t have a job and she did t approve of that). I was devastated because she knows how much I love him and he was devastated because it made. Him feel low and worthless. There was so much tension between my two best friends and I hated it. I forced a calm sit down meeting and we hatched everything out. them talking was the best thing that could have ever happened because it showed my mom the lengths my so would go to prove his love for me and she appreciated his candid honesty. just yesterday when we were talking about my future wedding she told me she would love to have my so as her son in law! your dad will come around.

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