Post # 1
My BF and I were talking on the phone tonight and now my feelings are hurt & I’m not sure if I should be or not. Some background: we are both 32 and have been together for 10 months, we are planning on moving in together in January. We are both seriously committed to each other & our relationship! He is an amazing man and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have discussed the future in detail, with each of us on the same page. Sounds great, right?
Well during our conversation we were discussing the future in an offhand joking manner and he mentioned something about children & marriage, and I jokingly said so you can see yourself being with me forever? I thought he would say something cute or joke around. He then says well I guess we will see after we live together for awhile, if we make each other miserable or still love each other! He was being serious.
I guess I had thought based on prior discussions that we already knew that this was a lasting forever, leading to marriage relationship – not lets see after we live together for a while! I just got extremely quiet and didn’t say anything. I don’t think he knows that it even upset me or if I should be upset about it. Now I feel stupid, and I’m not sure where we each stand. I’m so confused and I don’t know if I should say something, what that something should be, or if I should justcontinue as is and wait and see after we live together? I know living together is going to be amazing and that all relationships go thru adjustment periods. But I am so sure about this man, the love I have for him, and from him! It’s all incredible, I just don’t know what to feel or think right now?!?
Post # 3
@ILuv2TeachPreK: I wouldn’t stress. Living together is a big step for a guy. Have you ever lived with a guy before? If not….be prepared. Me and my FI annoyed each other to no end the first few weeks we lived together. We fought all the time over moving stuff. Both of us just really stressed by the move.
Maybe he has lived with a SO in the past and he had a bad experience? He isn’t that far off, living together will def either make or break a couple.
Post # 4
Has he ever been burned in a relationship before? He may simply be cautious if he was in an unhappy relationship prior to your relationship with him.
I have been known to caution friends that ALL love relationships start out great – or you wouldn’t be in love. I have no doubt that with many happy marriages that the couples “knew” after just a short time together. But I have seen far more relationships that started out grand and then did a complete 180. I’ve been in couple myself.
I really wouldn’t take his remarks too personally. No doubt he is expecting a great future together or there would be no plans of moving in together.
Post # 5
Being with someone for the rest of your life, especially confined together in living spaces is always going to be work! If you really truly love each other, you will get past the things that are “annoying”. We all have our things!
I see that you are so sure about this man ( your words) and are incredibly in love but do you feel essentially that his statement shows that he doesn’t have the same love for you? He loves you with a BUT. Generally, I think co-habitating should not be a make or break if you truly , deeply, are in love with someone. If you find out they run an undergorund child porn ring or are an axe murder- then yeah okay. But if people leave dirty towels on the floor, don’t shut the kitchen cabinets, or hog the remote- those aren’t worth leaving over. The stuff in between can all be worked out ( like having alone time, private space, bill managing, etc).
Best of luck! With communication everything will be easier. I’m also sorry your feeling hurt, it really stinks to feel like you do!
Post # 6
A couple of thoughts. I think he was just being “guy-honest” meaning that he has normal concerns about what living together will be like. You shouldn’t hae stayed quiet or you should have called him back after you thought about it and told him how his comment made you feel. You can’t go into a situation without total honesty. That would have given him a chance to explain what he was thinking.
Also, I’d suggest making it clear going into the living together situation that you expect a permanent, committed relationship with marriage & children ahead. I just read a good article about how men thinkabout marriage and when living with a woman they often don’t see it as a step to marriage but become complacent and just feel they’ve “arrived”. If you want marriage, you better make it clear upfront. If he’s looking at living together as a test of compatibility, you may want to re-think it all. Many people marry without living together first and figure out how to be compatible. Another thought, research shows that couples who live together with the intent of marrying have more successful marriages than those who just live together and eventually think about marriage. It’s all about commitment.
My FI and I talked about living together right from the start of our relationship and when we finally sold his house and he moved into mine, we knew it was a permanent arrangement ( I have a daughter and wouldn’t move in with a man without the promise of permanence). Even then, the same man who started our relationship saying he was looking for marriage and the “whole package” (would I ever consider marrying again??) decided he was just happy and wasn’t in a hurry to marry. When I felt he might not ever want that with me, I gave him a kind of ultimatum, reminded him of his initial desire to marry and told him I didn’t want to just live together. He could stay or go, but staying meant we started working toward marriage. That conversation was February 2011 and we’ll married this coming Friday. Ever since he made that decision, he’s been incredibly happy and can’t wait to be married. Don’t be afraid to say what you want!
Post # 7
Ok, this is going to be harsh, but step off the ledge honey. Stop looking at this from a simple over emotional female perspective. When you move in with a guy, he has one thought on his mind and it certainly isn’t, “gee I hope this is going to work out so we can get married and have 3.5 kids and a dog.” A man thinks logically and a woman thinks emotionally. I know your Barbie play set doesn’t get it because the moment she moved in with Ken she thought everything was going to be a fairy tale. It wasn’t until she caught Ken with Skipper that she realized that things don’t always work out. Extreme? yes, funny? maybe, funny to me? most certainly. The point is that you need to take a breath and let things play out. It may be fun to imagine how things may work out, but it isn’t real life and it isn’t how guys think. Should he be more sensitive to your silent inner thoughts? Probably, but it isn’t going to happen. He most likely didn’t mean it in a cruel way, but he is nervous as any man is when he takes that step and this is how he deals with it. I know you feel the need to say something about it and maybe you should, but just ease into it. Ask him if he is nervous about moving into together and be prepared for a yes. He should be nervous. I mean seriously, he doesn’t even know how loud you poop in the morning!
Post # 8
It sounds to me like he was just being pragmatic rather than expressing doubts. I’m sure if he’s given you no other hint that something is off, there is nothing to worry about. If you find it is still bothering you, just have an honest, laid back conversation about how you both see things and why.
Post # 9
@strawberryyumyum: That Skipper was always such a ho.
OP, I’d brush it off! I agree with a PP, he was just being “guy honest”. We joked about it too before we moved in together (a year ago) and it was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. I wouldn’t take his words too seriously if I were you. Good luck!
Post # 10
Don’t be offended, I think he’s being smart. Many people consider living together to be an important test for whether they want to marry, see how you work together, etc. He’s going into this living arrangment without blind conviction. I’ve seen blind conviction in people who get married despite some problems/issues that render life together very difficult.
It will probably be great. Like you said, you will have your moments. But he’s remaining aware that you two might not live well together, as opposed to closing that door and plowing ahead.
I’d be thankful for the honesty (and I was).
Post # 11
Thanks everyone! I would have responded sooner, but I have been out of commission with the flu. I’m feeling so much better & have been thinking over everything with a clear head/ think I was feeling so emotional because I was so out of it!
I do appreciate his honesty & he brought the subject up again and we were both able to share our feelings and expectations about our relationship and living together. He is as excited as I am. I am of the same mind set that I feel it’s important for us to live together first, however I want us to be on the same page that this is serious and leading toward marriage ( which it is)! I am super excited for us and have to remind myself that the present is just as important as the future and as long as we keep communicating and sharing, our relationship will just keep growing stronger!