Post # 1
Anyone else frustrated with their fiance through the planning process?
Because I’m seriously getting ready to kill him. I love him to pieces, but OH MY GOD. He has headspace for everything else in his life, but when it comes to something related to our wedding, he procrastinates and drags his feet until I just do it all myself.
First I asked him to take care of arranging transportation, and when a month later (with me asking for an update once a week), it still wasn’t done, I did it myself. Then it was arranging a hotel block – I thought he could arrange that, but he procrastinates under I light a fire under his ass and we have to go and do it together, with me being the primary contact for the hotel. Next it’s post-reception transportation. Takes him FOREVER to even move on it, and then when I go and take care of it (in ONE DAY), he got so pissed at me because I didn’t “trust that he could do it himself.” I had to pull his teeth to get him to agree to booking our honeymoon (that’s because international travel makes him nervous, but still…), and now his groomsmen are coming to me for information. I’ve asked him a million times to send an email to his groomsmen, who would like to do something nice for him and plan a bachelor party, but don’t have each other’s info. Guess who just sent THAT email?! I can’t get him to go look at tuxes or get his passport.
I know it sounds like he doesn’t even want to get married, but I know that’s not it at all. He just has zero motivation for wedding related things. Don’t get me wrong, he cares about how everything looks but as far as the actual planning of it, if I want something done I better do it myself.
Anybody else dealing with this?
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
My FI had little to no interest in planning and most of the time if I brought something up he would question why we even needed it. He just asked one of his friends to be a groomsman, less than 3 months before the wedding. Granted we had a groomsman drop out because he moved, but still! Half the men aren’t fitted for their tuxedos yet either despite numerous e-mails and reminders from me (all my family members).
Even things I talked about with FI, certain ideas initially he was like “Ugh that’s terrible”, I ask him again recently and now he says “That’s an awesome idea!”…it’s frustrating and confusing.
I’ve basically planned everything myself with no planning help from FI or anyone else for that matter when it comes to the wedding. I can’t even get the women in my family or bridal party too interested. Oh well.
At least FI’s groomsmen and family are on top of the things they are handling or planning. They have the bachelor party sorted, FSIL is throwing me a shower, and all his guys that were asked ahead of time are fitted for tuxedos now. FMIL has sent us a check for the rehearsal dinner. For that her and I kind of planned it together though I found and booked the venue. As far as I know right now nothing is planned by my MOH/BMs for a shower or bachelorette party.
Mostly, I’ve just said F— it, and I either do it myself or let it go.
Post # 4
I think it’s a lot more common for guys to not be as involved in the planning. We are curently planning our wedding, so I know how you feel. At this point we’ve both been procrastinating pretty heavily but it’s because we have so much going on right now that it’s not the main priority (unfortunately). Aside from that, I do most of the research and planning. Once I see stuff I like I’ll usually show FI and he chooses the one he likes out of the options. I’ll make the arrangements. Thankfully, we have very similar taste and our vision for the wedding is pretty much the same.
We’ve decided to hire a planner since I’d rather enjoy this time than get caught up in the stress of planning a wedding, running a business, and traveling. Plus, I want to avoid turning into a bridezilla at all costs, lol!
At first I was really down about FI not really helping with research and planning, but then I talked to my mom, aunts and a friends and they mostly said they planned the wedding either solely on their own, or had very little help from their guy. Some said they had help from their mother. That helped a lot knowing it was just a guy thing to not be as involved.
Cheer up, you’re not alone. At least you know the wedding will turn out exactly how you want it 🙂
Post # 5
Thank you both. It helps knowing I’m not alone! It kind of gets under my skin because I wind up feeling like he just doesn’t care about any of it at all. I’ve learned not to ask too much of him with this. Instead of asking him to do something, I just do it myself – it’s spares me the frustration and him the nagging. But now I’m dealing with HIS groomsmen and I just feel like REALLY!? I have to do this, too!?! What’s next, do I have to wipe your butt too?
Post # 6
@loveinthelibrary: Lol, you’ll definitely be the best wife, ever!
Post # 7
@loveinthelibrary: Did you give him a due date? A lot of guys don’t understand why something hsa to be done in advance. And they WILL push back on you and ask you why something has to be done by a certain date, so you should have a good reason and a reasonable date.
I gave my DH very discrete tasks and gave him reasonable deadlines too. Then you have to trust him to do it. If he fails by deadline, then you take it back.
Post # 8
My DH insisted on picking out the shirts and ties for the groomsmen. Then a week before the wedding he decided that I could do it. Ugh. Literally days before the wedding I was running around to find the same shirt in 6 different sizes.
Post # 9
My FI is the same way! He’s in charge of the rehersal dinner, renting tuxes, transportation on the day of, and booking hotel blocks. Nothing would be done if I had just left him on his own. He’s usually very dependable but I’ve had to remind him constantly to take care of wedding related things. He’s the one who asked if he could take over some tasks so I would feel less stressed, but it actually has made it worse because instead of just doing things and crossing them off the list I am reminding him to do things and hoping he will listen! Then he says I don’t trust him!! No, I don’t trust him with wedding related tasks because he has a terrible track record!! Everywhere else in life he’s good. It’s driving me a little crazy.
Post # 10
@loveinthelibrary: I’m dealing with the same thing! My fiance is usually very dependable, hard-working, and he is WONDERFUL about gifts, celebrations, etc. Wedding planning is a different story. He either provides completely zany ideas like, “let’s hire a balloon artist,” or he just smiles and nods when I give ideas. The dude didn’t even know we have to send invitations!!! Gahhhhhh.
I have to try really hard not to take it personally, sometimes. I am completely type A, especially with our wedding, and I just try to remind myself that it could be worse if he was a groom-zilla. Lol.
Post # 11
@melonseeds: OMG this is so my FI. I’ve learned that if there is a solid reason that something has to be done by a certain time, then he’s on it. But if I don’t specifically give a due date (and WHY), then it falls into the abyss of things that he’ll “get around to.”
@luckyshot: Are you sure we’re not engaged to the same man? lol. This is exactly him–he got so mad at me for taking care of something I’d asked him, after weeks of waiting for him to take care of it to no avail. He said he was insulted because it meant I didn’t trust him to do what he said he would. I’ve learned. Now I don’t ask him to do anything, because I’ll be waiting until the day before our wedding for him to get it done. I’d rather just do it myself and cross it off the list.
@FutureMrsHarris2014: Hahahaha, again, your guy sounds like mine. He’s never been in a wedding before so he looks at me like I have ten heads when I say something like “We have to order invitations,” or “You need to look into groomsmen gifts” or “You need to contact your groomsmen.”
Post # 12
@loveinthelibrary: Haha, I think they just don’t realize that things need to be done well in advance! Fortunatley most of my FI’s tasks are done (thanks to me bothering him about them enough that he finally did them). The only thing left is the tuxes, and I’ve decided that I’ve nagged him enough about it. I have my dress, and my bridesmaids dresses, he can take care of suits. And if he wants to show up to his own wedding without one so be it!
Post # 13
@loveinthelibrary: Yeah, but you know what? Our guys are right. Certain things we ask for to be done on time are more to make us feel less stressful, but the deadilne is arbitrary. Only do the most NECESSARY things and give them to him. Everything else is fluff that only the girls care about.
Post # 14
My FI has pretty much been the same way except I haven’t really asked too much of him anyways. We are 11 days away now so there is not much left to do now, thank goodness!
Post # 15
I’d give him due dates, and stop doing things for him. Just because YOU think something needs to be done in a certain time doesn’t mean he thinks that. Does transportation really need to be worked out 5 months in advance? Probably not. So give him a timeline and say this MUST be done by this time… and then you can get annoyed and do it yourself if he doesn’t follow through.
Post # 16
@loveinthelibrary: Yep…I have the same problem and I think it’s normal. The only thing I have asked of my FI was his opinion on the food and early on he went with his parents to check out the ceremony venue since I had to work. That was last summer and the only thing he has done since then was pick out his suit and text his buddies for their mailing addresses. While is he very excited for the actual wedding, he finds the planning to be a huge pain in the ass and is much happier if I do it.
And ever since I have accepted that and done it myself there have been far fewer arguments.