Post # 1
On another thread the subject of finding others attractive when you’re in a relationship. i don’t find others attractive besides my FI, and that he didn’t either. I am sorry for saying that, this morning I found out he does.
He has lied to me for our entire relationship about it, and it wasn’t just the hiding the truth, it was outright lying. I have asked him a few times whether he does and he always said ‘no’ or ‘only you’.
So this morning I dragged it out of him, saying that lying to protect my feelings isn’t going to help anyone, etc etc. he finally admitted it.
it is not really the fact that he checks other women out that bothers me, although i do have low self esteem anyway, and this doesn’t help. the main issue for me is that he has lied to me about it for THREE YEARS, that he betrayed my trust. I just feel so hurt :'(
And he doesn’t think looking at someone in that way, and finding them attractive is ‘checking them out’, he thinks checking someone out is when a single guy/girl goes out and checks girls/guys out. i don’t understand his way of thinking.
just wanted to vent to you bees,
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re so hurt 🙁 I’m not sure I would worry too much though. I guess it depends on what you mean by “attracted to other people” – does that mean you can see someone and think they are physically attractive, or that you are tempted to actually do something about it? Because it’s never occurred to me to ask DH if he finds other people attractive – of course he does. He’s human. If he said he didn’t I would laugh. It’s if he was tempted to do something about it that would bother me. Your FI has chosen you, so he probably isn’t tempted by other people. I know I’m not tempted, ever. But I can still spot a hottie 🙂
Post # 4
I personally think it being human to notice if someone is attractive. Should he have lied? no but it kinda seems like a trick question. It is one thing to notice the fact that someone is attractive ana whole different story if they are constantly “checking people out.” Just my opinion. I say don’t get yourself too worked up over this.
Post # 4
@Jacqui90: I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. Now… I think you’re overreacting a bit, it’s unrealistic to think you guy doesnt ever check out other women… He’s a man and it’s normal for them to look.
Post # 5
Wow I need to spell check. My typing skills are awful today.
Post # 6
oh hmm….. he probably lied to spare you being upset or jealous. do i think its anything to be upset about …. probably not.
Post # 6
I don’t think I can help very much as I don’t see anything wrong with finding someone else attractive. Just because I can objectively think an actor is hot doesn’t mean I love my FI any less.
I don’t think he was right to lie to you– he should have been honest from the get-go– but your black and white viewpoint of only finding one person attractive for the rest of your life probably made him afraid to hurt your feelings. If my partner told me I could never find someone else attractive, I’d tell him that he’d have to deal with it because that’s an unrealistic expectation.
No actor will ever be as wonderful and hot and sexy as my FI. I don’t go out and search for attractive guys or pursue anyone I see on the street, but if someone objectively beautiful walks by, I’m not going to lie and say I don’t think they’re good looking!
Post # 7
I’m sorry that this hurts you, and I completely get wanting to vent. But, I don’t think it is something to remain angry at him for long. Honestly finding someone attractive is not being attracted to them. I notice how attractive people are all the time, men and women. If you say you do not, I think you are lying to yourself. Just look at the women trying on dresses here and I’m sure you’ll see how attractive they all are.
But if we are talking about being attracted- In long term relationships, it is natural to feel attracted to other people, it is whether you reinforce those thoughts or act upon them that demonstrates your character not whether or not you feel them.
Even so, it seems clear he was saying this so as to not hurt your feelings. He was trying to take you into consideration, it just sounds like he did so in a way you would not have chosen.
Post # 8
I’m sorry that you feel this way but do you think that you are overreacting? I know my FI thinks other women are attractive but I know he still thinks I’m attractive too. It doesn’t make him love me any less. I think your FI was trying to spare your feelings to what he knows would be a strong reaction on your part. Lying is never good, but neither is overreacting.
Post # 9
I feel it is safe to say that this is in line with the “does this make my butt look fat” white lie. Really, would you have been like “Oh okay dear, that’s fine” if he told you he finds other people attractive? Probably not, which is why you’re having this reaction right now.
I can’t tell you how to think, or that you holding him to this standard is wrong, but the fact is that we’re human. It’s difficult to not look at an attractive person, and think briefly, “Man, that is one attractive person!”
Has he cheated on you? Has he told other women that they are beautiful? Does he oggle women in front of you, or make comments like “check out THOSE tits!”? (Which, honestly, I do with my FI… lol) If you answered yes to any of those, then be sad and hurt and worry. But if not, then I’d drop it.
Also, you say you don’t understand his version of checking people out, maybe he means like alone at a bar or club, checking out women and making the “how YOU doin'” body language/flirty thing, looking them up and down, etc. More like a cat call than a fleeting “oh, pretty girl at the grocery store” kind of thought that runs through your head.
Post # 10
He was wrong to lie to you but I am sure he was trying to spare your feelings! Why? Because he loves you and cares about you and doesn’t want to upset you. Sometimes guys mess up this way. Please don’t take it to heart!!!
Post # 11
wow you are def acting a little ridiculas here….he cant look at other women. Did you ever stop and think that he didnt want to tell you because of how your acting right now?
Seriously OP, your marrying him. dont overreact.
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
I think that as long as he isn’t acting on that attraction, there shouldn’t be concern from you. It’s good he notices other women, it means his brain and sexual nature are NORMAL.
He ONLY loves you, and won’t go bone another girl (I hope). So, you’re lucky. There are lots of girls posting on here that their FI’s have cheated. Yours just notices human beauty.
Post # 13
It’s in our nature as human beings. Dating back to prehistoric years, it’s how we survived…men impregnate as many women as possible – gotta keep that population growin!
lol in all seriousness though, we are obviously more civilized today- I am a bit surprised you took your FI seriously when he told you this…this is one of those “does my butt look big in this outfit” type of questions- damned if you do, damned if you don’t!
ETA: must have been writing this the same time as goldfish, oh well- great minds think alike! 😉
Post # 14
@GoldfishPie: The “does this make my butt look fat” lie is the perfect comparison!