Post # 1
My FI has a very stressful job & all the wedding planning, immigration issues, etc seem to be getting to him. We already have "Wedding Wednesdays" to cut back on the wedding talk… but today I asked him to email me his guest list contact information and he freaked out! Like, had an emotional breakdown.
He was like, "I don’t want to have a big wedding. I don’t want anyone there but us. What happened to just us getting married on a beach?" He was so upset. I started crying & said we’ll talk about it later… For the record, we’re having 2 ceremonies. 1 in Canada in a church w/ family & friends (not legal) and 1 in the US, just the 2 of us, and it will legally make us man & wife.
Our family wedding has already been scaled down big time to make him feel comfortable (daytime wedding, less than 100 people in attendance- only family and very best friends, 4 hour reception), but what the hell!? I’m so not a bridezilla, I take all his requests & feelings into consideration… but he’s not taking mine into consideration! I’ve essentially given him everything he’s asked for. He hates being the center of attention & he hates large crowds– I totally get it.
Ugh. What am I supposed to do? For so long he’s been like "I’m fine with whatever you choose" but he’s obviously not. I’m hoping he is just having a bad day… but I feel like crap. I want him to look forward to our wedding day, not despise it.
Post # 3
Wow. I don’t suppose your family would be happy if you skipped their Canadian wedding?
Maybe have your beach nuptials first to take some pressure off of him. Or maybe you could have your beach wedding and then have a simple reception with the family.
Talk to him and ask him to be more honest with you about what he wants or doesn’t want.
Post # 4
Hwy don’t you make the Canadian one the legal ceremony? That way he would be in his home country and be with people he knows so maybe he would be more comfortable.
Post # 5
I meant "why"…sorry typing error
Post # 6
He’s American & I’m Canadian. I am immigrating to the US & the only way I can do that is by legally marrying on US soil. If we were to legally get married in Canada we would need a different visa & have to wait an additional year.
We’ve already put down deposits & have a lot of our family ceremony/reception stuff planned out. The private ceremony is what he wants… and he’s getting it a week after the "big" wedding. I’m ready to pull my hair out. The whole immigration stuff & long distance relationship is hard enough and now the stress of this wedding planning just makes me want to scream! I think he’s being a big baby… lol. You’re right allie– he needs to give it to me straight & tell me exactly what he expects from our day. Maybe I need to give him a better idea of what has been planned for our wedding day too… its hard to envision the day if you aren’t the bride.
Post # 7
Oh man, I definitely had a couple big freakouts that sound like your FI’s. And it was because I was having a hard time telling my FI what I hoped for, and also having a hard time compromising at first. I had a freak out like this mostly because I was upset that we couldn’t cut our guest list any more and it was still way too many people for me. Eventually I sort of got over it, thought about how fun it’d be anyway, and that if I can’t go elope like I want (our families would KILL us), I better start enjoying the wedding we were planning.
I hope your FI cools down a little and you guys find ways to make it work for you! Maybe you could move the official wedding ceremony up to before the family one? Or since it looks like you’re still a year out, maybe give yourselves a week or two off from the Wedding Wednesday nights.
Post # 8
Is there a chance that your husband has social anxiety? I used to wrestle with social anxiety, and the thought of a huge event would have been really difficult for me.
Post # 9
my guy feels similarly, in terms of wanting it to be just me and him. that wouldn’t go over well with my family and i kinda wanted to celebrate with more people, so we’re having about 60 people, no big ceremony, no bridal party, no dancing, etc. i told him early on when he would get kind of tense about the wedding that i was really happy that he was going along with this and that i acknowledge and appreciate what he was doing for me b/c i know he’d rather go to city hall. that seemed to calm him down a bit.
i also pretty much do not talk to him about wedding planning, and he is more than happy with that. it’s really tough at the beginning of planning because there are big things to nail down that you may want his opinion on, but we basically agreed that i would make all the decisions.
mr. bee brings up an interesting point about social anxiety. it might be worth looking into.
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on
Aw, honey. I’m sorry you’re under so much stress. Reading Ms. D’Orsay’s posts really opened my eyes to what a big, scary, murky, stressful process immigration can be, and I feel for ya.
My advice is pretty simple – don’t take it personally – and yet, so hard to actually do. In fact, that’s the advice I hate more than anything, so it pains me to give it to you. 🙂
You say he’s under a lot of stress anyway… I’m betting he’s lashing out at the one thing he might feel he has any control over. Kind of like when I’m frustrated that the stupid electric company has shut off our power so I yell about how the laundry’s all over the place. It’s not the most graceful of reactions, but many of us do it.
I didn’t really look forward to our wedding day, and in the weeks leading up to it, I was kind of in a funk because we both talked about it like it was this horrible burden, and I wondered if we should just cancel the darned thing. Really.
But then the day came, and it was fantastic, and now I see that you don’t have to enjoy the planning of something to enjoy that day. Mr. Tiramisu did that great post about how appreciative he was about all of the wedding planning — ON HIS WEDDING DAY.
Take a week or two off (really, you can, things’ll get done somehow, I promise) and just hang out and remember what it’s like to not have two events hanging over your heads.
Post # 11
Sorry I got you guys mixed up, I thought he was Canadian. I know the Visa thing can be pretty crazy I have some family members working in the states so I hear about th eprocess from them. I hope everything works out.
Post # 12
Thanks so much everyone!
cheese: your post felt like a big warm hug! I think we are not going to talk about the wedding for a few weeks to just let him simmer down. 🙂
MrBee: he does have social anxiety, but mostly when it comes to family & friends. Professionally he’s always the center of attention. I think more than anything the PDA and showing love/emotion is awkward for him. He is (besides today) usually very stoic.
Lavenderpug: that’s a great idea! I really should tell him how much I appreciate him & love him for going along with the ceremony for our family & friends, even though its out of his comfort zone. We can’t lose sight of the reward at the end of the tunnel… 🙂
Post # 13
In my relationship, I play more the role of the ‘freak out’ person but then I’m the one really planning the wedding w/ what I want along with my mom. (If my dear fiance had his way, it would be luau themed-I don’t really want that for a wedding!) As for communicating, I’m having to really talk to him about staying quiet about all the wedding details, for example he told the groomsmen to pick out their clothes right after we got engaged and I hadn’t even thought of dress shopping yet. He also tried to show my mom a draft of our ceremony, but of course the guests would rather be suprised. So much as I love this man, he has the opposite of social anxiety disorder, which is more like "don’t know when to be quiet" disorder!
To make things feel more managable and on track and so that I don’t come home from a long day and have him going "Invitations! We need to mail them!" about 6 months prior to the wedding, and me feeling stressed and like "No we don’t need to yet!" and so on, I made a timeline. I used Microsoft Visio, but you could even handwrite it, just to put down what needs to be done and when so that things don’t feel overwhelming and you both remain on the same page. I also made an accompanying spread sheet with details, such as who is doing what and what date it should be completed by and also level of importance. I wonder if this will help your fiance just know what to expect so it doesn’t feel like these things come out of the blue when he’s already stressed.
I can totally relate with your fiance freaking out. I get embarrassed in big crowds (so we’re having a small wedding) and I’ve planned a wedding before that was cancelled, so this all brings up old feelings for me. Also, I’ve been going through some work turmoil and stress. Having thigns more organized is really helping us a lot and prevents those wedding planning conversations that so quickly spiral out of control.
Good luck. He’ll hang in there and so will you.
Post # 14
For many people with social anxiety, attention based on your work is different from attention directly focused on you.
In any case, it may be worth looking into addressing the social anxiety – it’s pretty easy to control through medication, meditation, and other tricks. Good luck to both of you!!
Post # 15
Maybe give him sometime off without talking about the wedding, and once he’s realxed, you may bring the subject that bothers you most. All the best.
MrBee: we love you and thanx fo your comments and advice from a male perspective, I really nejoy them.
Post # 16
Thanks everyone! We haven’t said a word about wedding stuff & we’re taking a few weeks off. He apologized last night for making me cry… I’m leaning towards not talking about the wedding plans with him all summer. Thats what I have bridesmaids & the Hive for! He needs a break 🙂
I agree with melodicbee… Mrbee you’re extremely helpful. I actually didn’t know that there were medications available for social anxiety or that there was a difference between personal attention & work based attention. I always thought the 2 went hand in hand…
I’m doing a little more research on this disorder.