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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes. Absolutely. I'm thinking this definitely warrants further discussion before moving forward. Because, also, think of the kids! They'd never know their father, or they'd think that work was more important to him than them. PLUS, you don't get a break, why should he? Suddenly I'm reminded of the song "Cats in the Cradle".
seriously? If he gets home at 6 PM that seems like plenty of time to "help out". Where I live 6 PM is on the early side to get home from work!
I absolutely would not be willing to have kids if I felt like I was expected to feel like a single parent
Hmmm......that would get me upset as well. I know plenty of people in busy jobs who are still good parents in the time they're there.
Did he actually say he wouldn't be willing to help? Because if he didn't come out and say it, then I think you're reading into that statement a bit. He said he won't be around to help. Maybe he over generalized too much, but I would clarify that statement with him before getting too upset with him. My FI's father was home maybe once a week when he was growing up do to his dad and his mom pretty much says she was like a single mom because of it. But it wasn't that he didn't want to be around, his job just pulled him away too much.
I would be SERIOUSLY alarmed by this comment. It would make me question if I want to marry him or not. I would not marry a man that has that stance.
What value would he place on your marriage if he's clearly putting work before you and his potential children?
Well he never actually came out & said "I will not help" but the thing is he doesn't have to work every single day of the month for 12 hours. He has his own company & can take time off whenever he wants - he just chooses not to. So by him saying that he is going to choose to work over spending time with his kids is pretty much saying "I will not help." Unfortunately he will not choose to take time off - he is all about making money & as much money as he can. I have never had a problem with that until now when it is going to interfere with raising his children.
I want to side with you and say that's heinous, but he's setting (and has set) pretty clear expectations about his work schedule. So.. maybe you should find some kind of a compromise.
He says he is raising his children by providing them with things they will need & want. Unfortunately my state of mind is I would rather grow up like I did - With enough money to get by & 2 loving parents by my side at all times. He grew up with money, money, money & a dad he never saw.
It's hard because I love this man & I want to marry him (obviously) & I don't have a problem with him working every single day when it's just the 2 of us. I am a busy girl as well. Unfortunately I will have a problem with him spending few hours a day with his children out of choice.
Oh that would definitely bother me. Take it from someone that has been there. My boyfriend at the time and I got pregnant, and it was back in 2006. After Dakota was born, he did nothing, literally nothing, to help me. He wasn't a workaholic, in fact the exact opposite. He didn't like going to work, and chose to play video games rather than taking responsibility. So let's just say that the relationship didn't last. He shirked his responsibilities as a father, and it got worse after I left him. He has given her 2 boxes of diapers, and a box of hand me down clothes that he got from lord knows where. Being the fool that I was, I didn't expect him to pay for anything, I just wanted him to have a meaningful relationship with Dakota. Well needless to say, we have a court date set up on the second of August because he failed to make his child support date. Now he is going to end up paying the maximum amount, and court costs on top of that.
I would definitely discuss this with him. He seems to want what used to be not unusual, to "have" children that he does not raise and have you raise them.
Whether that's okay with you depends on you.
I would not be willing to have children with a man like that. But my feelings on having children are complicated and I have always know that I absolutely did not want to be a primary caretaker. A woman who really wants children and wants to be primary caretaker might feel different.
Another thing to consider is that raising kids alone is a lot of work!
Another another thing to consider is that the theoretical and practicle can be very different when it comes to kids. A man gung ho about kids might suddenly withdraw when faced with the actual work while a man who thinks he's going to be a weekend dad might fall desperately in love with his kids and reprioritize his whole life.
Another another another thing to consider is how badly does he want kids? If he really wants kids but doesn't expect to have to raise them... I'd put my foot down - no kids unless you commit to parenting them - IMO not unreasonable.
yeah that would upset me but as you said before you knew that was what you were getting into. His attitude doesn't exactly scream that he wants to have kids at all. Are you sure he does? Fathers should be apart of their childrens life and they should WANT to, in fact they should need it. If he says he's going to consider you a single mother I'd consider him in the dog house.
Seriously? 6pm is too late to come home and be a father to his future children? I'd be pretty upset too, if that's what he said.
I understand that he probably works a very fast-paced job, but I think the real question here is will you be okay with his job taking up all of his time once you have children? I agree with Janna, I think you need to discuss this with your FI more. The choice to have kids should be mutual, and to me that includes all childcare after the baby is born.
Maybe you should consider going to some pre-marital couseling. These are the type of topics they bring up and help you discuss in-depth before you get married. That way you have a really clear picture of both of your expectations.
I don't think this is a reason to panic or call off the wedding!! I think some men have a different idea of parenting than women do. Some men feel the strong need to provide, often times by working a lot to earn money. It sounds like this is what your FI grew up with? It might be what he thinks is normal. (I have seen this happen with members of my own family as well. When the woman says "I'm pregnant," the man starts working like a maniac.)
Maybe all you guys need to do is have a little sit-down talk about parenting styles? You can explain how you think spending time together is more important than money. Maybe he can explain more what his comment meant. Definitely important to get this all out in the open before the wedding, though. Good luck!
Money cannot buy you love or your childrens love and affection. I don't agree with him about his statement that he is working to provide for their wants and needs. I get that, but a father needs to be present. Take that from me, who grew up with no father ever. Honestly while they at times will understand he is working but I see further resentment in the future from them. I, myself, could not settle for something like that.
Oh wow, so not okay. FI works a lot but he's commited to taking future child hiking, camping, petting zoo, riding horses, etc. And he's definitely not doing it to "help out" - that would imply he's taking on something that is my job. It's his job too.
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So FI & I have been together for 3 years. Talking about babies & having kids has never been an off topic for us. We both want them & have discussed names etc many times.
The other day I asked how long he would want to wait after getting married before we start TTC. He reply to me was & I quote: "It doesn't matter to me but you better be prepared to be a single mother because I will never be around to help out"
What he meant behind this comment was that his job would not slow down & he wasn't going to be taking time off. He works every single day of the month - seriously! And by accepting his proposal I knew what I was in store for, but what drives me nuts is that he won't be willing to "help out" & will consider me a single parent. I would just hope that once he is home from work (he usually gets home at approx 6 pm) he would be a father to OUR children.
Would anyone else get upset by this comment?