My FI wants me to fix a friendship that is dead to me. (vent)

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Your “friend” is acting like an asshole.  I wonder if, his now, FI has anything to do with his behaviour?  It also sounds like both of are jealous of you (maybe for different reasons)?  You haven’t done anything wrong.  “A” is just trying to pull a guilt trip on you. Tell your FI if he’s concerned about drama at the wedding that he’s welcome to uninvite them.  But your not interested/willing to put any more energy into the realtionship.  Stick to your guns! Sounds like you have more than enough to deal with in your own life.  Good Luck.

Post # 4
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

Your friendship sounds very one-sided. I don’t use Facebook and always kind of roll my eyes at FB drama, but what mature person goes back and forth deleting people once he gets what he wants from them? It’s like he’s gotten what he needed from you, so he’s deleting you from his life. I say do what *you* want to do and move on. Not worth it. 

Post # 6
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsPiggles:  Okay–justified reason to use FB if you’re talking to your grandma. 😉

They sound like they’re perfect for each other–both selfish. If she couldn’t be happy for you because she’s jonesing for a ring and he only contacts you when he needs something, then you deserve much better friends. Let them have each other and live in their little bubble where the world revolves around them.

As an aside, I love your username. Makes me gigglesnort. 😀

Post # 8
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

MrsPiggles: who has time for this? you can have friends or not — it’s up to you!

Post # 10
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I totally think it has something to do with your friend/his FI. She might be insecure about your friendship with him, and be giving him hell for it? We can’t really know what’s going on behind closed doors, but there is definitely something up. All your troubles with this guy friend started when you introduced him to your friend, and then you got engaged first. Your friend was obviously totally jealous of you, she probably bitches to him about you all the time now and tells him not to be friends with you anymore. And he’s probably really confused and torn between his new FI and his old friend. Tough one. If it’s too much drama, I’d drop this friendship. Real friendships shouldn’t be this high maintenance. And he has the nerve to say you’re being the bad friend? As PP said, he’s just trying to palm off his confusing behaviour onto you. Good luck I hope you figure everything out and that things get less stressful for you on the leadup to your wedding. xx

Post # 11
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

MrsPiggles:  So, here is what I think about the situation.

A sounds like the type of person who expects or needs constant contact and attention from friends to feel ‘involved’ in the relationship. OK, fine, some people are like that. The red flag here is that his solution to feeling neglected is to passive-aggressively ignore you or delete you from Facebook until he feels like he needs something from you. Then he might deign to get in touch but only until he has what he wants, in which case it is back to passive-aggressiveness and radio silence. Even if his fiance is somehow encouraging this because she is jealous of you, who needs this kind of drama? He also seems to expect all this from you despite the fact that you have so much going on, but gives little in return.

So basically he is a passive-aggressive ‘taker’ in your friendship, and it sounds like his fiance shares that characteristic given she was so difficult to deal with when you asked her to be a bridesmaid.

It’s up to you what you want to do, but bear in mind that your lives are not going to get less busy, especially if you want to have kids some day. So in effect, you’ll never be able to give him the attention he craves and as a result he’ll continue to jerk you around with his sulky behavior. If it was me, I would probably gracefully fade out of his life by stopping initiating contact and completely ignoring his Facebook antics (block him, if you must). His fiance doesn’t sound like much of a friend either, but that’s a discussion for another time. I suspect you will find that once the wedding stage ends, you will have a lot less to talk with them about anyway.

Post # 12
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Has he been specific about how you’ve been a bad friend? I don’t really get where it’s coming from. 

I wouldn’t bother “fixing” the friendship, but I’d be cordial and positive until after the wedding. After that, you can decide whether you want to put the energy into it or not. You’ve been “best” friends with him for ten years; there must be something you love about him. Is he worth having an honest conversation with?

Post # 13
Member
34 posts
Newbee

MrsPiggles:  She has some obvious jealous issues going on regarding you I mean who seriously says that about someone getting engaged before them just because they are younger then them? Or at all period? 

My guess is every now and then she has some little tantrum over you at home and if he doesn’t agree right away then she throws crazy accusations around about your “friendship” and he deletes you to get her to shut up or to put it in even less nice terms because he is whipped.

As for fixing things, if you are not interested then just tell your fiance that and ask that he respect your wishes, and that does not mean A and his lovely girl can’t come to the wedding. The maid-of-honor and best-man should be made aware of all possible drama queens and then run interference accordingly, it’s an unwritten rule that they do so, at least where I grew up.

 

Oh and I am no sure precisely what is wrong with your hip but depending on the problem, doctors and nurse practitioners can sometimes do injections that can help temporarily with pain, but like I said depends on the exact problem.

Anyway good luck!

Post # 14
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

MrsPiggles:  I completely agree that some friendships come and go, they may be special and serve a purpose in one way or another but they don’t always need to last forever. 

Your friend sounds like hard work and frankly who can be bothered with that drama? I’ve grown apart from several of my old friends who seemed to relish in high school type drama that I just felt way too old for. I decided I no longer needed that in my life and I’ve never regretted it! I treasure the times we spent together but we’re just in different places now and that’s ok. The friendships I do have are wonderful and id much rather have a few amazing friends than a tonne of ok ones!

A good friendship shouldn’t be hard work or one sided. Personally, I think it sounds like your friendship with A has run it’s course and that’s ok, you don’t need to try and force it back to what it once was.

Post # 15
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

 Perhaps you could tell your FI exactly what you’ve used as the thread title?  

“Sorry FI, but this friendship is dead to me, I have no interest in fixing it.  Please respect my feelings”

My FI also has tonnes of cousins, my only family are my mother and my brother.  I know he doesn’t understand how easily I can cut people out of my life, if I feel the need to.  But as I tell him, he doesn’t need to understand it, but he does need to respect my decisions. 

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