My fiancé cheated on me with escorts. Crushed and heartbroken.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Brokenheartedbee1234:  I feel so sick for you after reading this 🙁  First off, have yourself tested for STIs.  

Second of all, I honestly truly feel that you should leave John and move on to some one who respects you.  Had you not discovered his secret, you still would not know.  Trust me.  There was no reason for him to come clean, and he would have continued to do it after your wedding, since I’m assuming your sex life would have continued to be the same. 

Think of it this way – do you want to grow old together with this man, and look at him 20, 30 years from now and know that he slept with prostitutes while he was with you?  Is this the man you want to be the father of your children, and eventually a grandfather?  You can never respect him again.  You will resent him.  As you should.

I’m SO so sorry you are going through this.  Right now you can’t imagine a life without him, but you will.  It will of course be hard, but you don’t deserve this.  He should not get a second chance.  This was not some weird drunken kiss with a stranger or something (though that’s even questionable).

Be kind to yourself.  If your sister or best friend was in this situation, what would you tell them?   

xo

Post # 3
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Leave. 

Post # 4
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

 

Unfortunately (for “John”), I feel you should leave him and never look back. Once a cheater always a cheater. If he truly loved and respected you he would never do that to you. This is just my opinion, but there has to be 100 percent honesty and trust in a relationship or it will never work. He broke your trust and I don’t think you can come back from something like this.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Be strong!

Post # 5
Member
3704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Brokenheartedbee1234:  First off, stop blaming yourself or trying to justify why he did what he did. You being less interested in having sex and turning down his advances sometimes or being high strung is NO EXCUSE for his behavior. There is NO EXCUSE for his behavior. PERIOD. 

Second, I know it’s been a while since his last encounter, but get tested. 

Third, this breach of trust is very hard to come back from. Almost impossible. I would put your wedding on hold indefinitely and work on your relationship. He needs counselling alone and couples counselling together. That kind of behavior may be suggestive of some sort of sex addiction on his part and he needs to work that out on his own. Normal people don’t put up adds for NSA sex on the internet, especially when they’re in a relationship. 

Post # 6
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 10, 2016

I would say that you should definitely try out counseling before making any decisions. At this stage of things you are (rightly) very emotional and that makes it very hard to think rationally. Take the time you need to process, to grieve, and to let everything settle. Then decide from there what you want to do.

Just remember that no one but you knows what’s best for you.

Post # 7
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

you need to dump his ass right now. he will never respect you if you let him away with this. counselling my eye.

Post # 9
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

Pack your stuff and get tested. Stop justifying his behavoir and lack of communication. He cheated, he touched, kissed, penetrated another woman while you were all his. He chose someone else to be intimate with. It sounds harsh but its the reality of the situatio so don’t sugar coat it. I really have no sympathy for people who cheat and you obviously deserve much better.

Post # 10
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Brokenheartedbee1234:  There is nothing to criticize YOU for, so stop finding things about you that could have ’caused’ this behavior.

My advice:  Take this one day at a time.  You do not need to make MAJOR life decisions right now, at this moment.  You do not decide to stay or go, to plan the wedding/marriage, or wait a bit.  

Your feelings at this moment will change.  You might find moments of clarity, moments of rage, moments of forgiveness, and moments of feeling completely betrayed.  

YOU are the victim.  Your focus cannot be in ensuring he is OK (because i am sure he is simply ‘torn up’ – cannot eat, sleep, or even work from the guilt…), but to focus on ensuring you are OK.  This will take time – months, maybe years.  I know it is NOT a story you want to share with anybody, in the event things work out or you two move forward from it, but I suggest finding someone – a completely trusted confidant whom can be there for you, who can listen, who will not necessarily pass judgment as you make choices, or as your choices change from minute to minute.  I think that will HELP you, a listening ear.

Obviously, counseling, if you are interested.  For you, definitely for him, and potentially for you as a couple.  As long as both are 100% committed.

In the end, I am not sure it will be about just FORGIVING him.  I think that is part of it, but in order to have a happy marriage/life (IF that is what you want), it needs to be about TRUSTING him 100% again, and learning to move past this, not hold it over his head, and not constantly living in a state of worry, or ‘what if’s’ – in the event he comes home late from work, etc.  Again, all things that will come with time, but definitely things to soul search for now…

I am so sorry, and good luck 🙁

Post # 11
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Brokenheartedbee1234:  i would say one – move out for a few days to get some time to yourself. having him in your face all the time, surrouned by memories of your life together can be really hard to make decisions on a clear mind.  two – get tested. even if he said he used protection, do it for your peace of mind. three – stop blaming yourself. there is nothing you could of said or have done any differently to make him NOT cheat. also dont make excuses for him on WHY he cheated. and four – talk to someone. either couples therapy or by yourself. if you chose to make this work out, make sure you’ve come to that conclusion with a clear head. dont react in the moment using your emotions to guide you. and five – surround yourself with people you love. HOWEVER, be careful on what you say. if you decide to make it work with ‘john’, then these people would have formed opinions on him and that might take a long time to change it back. either way, sorry your going through this. be strong….

 

Post # 13
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

Have some pride in yourself and self respect and move on from this lying, cheating man.  There is someone worth your love out there – never stay with someone who does not respect you.

Post # 14
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

Brokenheartedbee1234:  I don’t think once a cheater always a cheater, or that cheating can’t be worked through, but I think in your case you are better to leave.  The moment he turned this back and made this about you (your lack of desire, you not being easy to communcate with, you you you) he stopped taking respondibilty.  This is 100% his issue, 100% his fault.  If he didn’t like your intament life the way it was, he needed to step up and say so. In order to work through this, he has to take responsiblity for what he did.

Also what got me is “Out of my system prior to marraige.”  That never works.  Marriage is not a magic button that stops all your bad personality traits and relationship issues.  You are the person you were prior to your wedding day on your wedding day. 

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