My fiance doesn't do the things I ask him to…

posted 3 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
3336 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Have you tried giving him timelines? Like, “you need to call the church by Wednesday”. ?? It sounds like you have already tried a lot :/ so frustrating!! I’m sorry he is being so inconsiderate!  Hang in there because it will all be over soon!! I would just choose his signature drink for him, and give him a deadline to follow up with his cousin. If he doesn’t do it then I would either follow up myself or choose someone else to do the reading and let him know you found someone so his cousin is off the Hook. If he gets upset just say,  “I told you when I needed it to be done by and you didn’t do it so I did myself. I don’t want to keep nagging you.” If he doesn’t a like a choice you made then oh well!

Post # 4
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My DH was like this too (also super busy), so separate the things you asked him into two buckets:

1) Mission critical – if this doesn’t happen you don’t have a wedding, or stuff you already PAID for and would have regardless

2) Nice to have – if this doesn’t happen you still get married

 

My DH crossed out all the nice to haves (until I whined and put some back). however, he realized that without the mission critical stuff I can blame him for something not happening

For example, the reader to me seems like a nice to have. If he was not asking anyone on his side, I’d have assigned it to someone on my side.

 

Then, set concrete deadlines for each item. Asking him to pick a signature cocktail so early… he probably won’t care. You have 25 days now, so you should be able to set deadlines for each.

 

Tell him that anything that does not get finished he will have to take a day off the day before the wedding to do them. 

Post # 5
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@jg780806:  Hmm well first men seem to only want to do what they want to do. If you are telling him to do it, he will most definitely put it off. I would set a deadline. Picking out a drink or calling cousin HAS to be done by X date and time.

Had it been earlier in the planner, I would suggest giving him the list of things to do and asking what he wants, but seems like you are down to the wire.

In your case, I would just call the cousin. So what its his cousin, you can call. His drink he should be picking out (and I would have assumed he would like that task) but if he doesn’t pick it out by, say, this Friday then you pick it out and he doesn’t get a say.

The baptism certificate is important if your church needs that. Tell him you need it by such and such date or you can’t get married. Perhpas even send him a reminder. Sucks to have toi hand hold himk and hound him, but I think with only being a month out from the wedding it is probably necessary.

Post # 6
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I also agree with 

@hollyberry4:  to make up a signature cocktail for him. I sometimes just make up stuff for DH and he can change it if he doesn’t like it. Men need concrete examples, they’re not very good with conceptual stuff, so you have to throw out examples for them.

 

I’ll give you another example – DH and I can’t decide on what to put on the holiday card this year so I wireframed a design in PowerPoint (before I committed it to Photoshop) and he finally coughed up the information I needed.

Post # 7
Member
3336 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Also, about the baptismal certificate… That is super important! Could you call them while he is in your presence then pass the phone over to him? Lol like “hello I am calling to get a baptismal certificate for my husband. I’m going to pass the phone to him to give you more information” *pass*. It literally will take him 2 minutes!

Post # 8
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@jg780806:  Yuck….you totally need this right now, neat.  I guess my best advice is to pick your battles on this issue, a reader at the wedding isn’t essential, him picking a signature drink doesn’t make or break the reception, but that baptismal certificate is a deal breaker since your church requires it in order for you two to tie the knot on the premises.

I’d decide if the cousin reading issue was important to me, and follow up myself, its a couple of phone calls or texts, so that’s doable.

Pick the girliest, fruitiest, pinkiest drink they’ve got for him and call it “The Procrastinator”

Tell him you want to take him out to dinner and unwind, but make a stop at the church he was baptised at en route and get that certificate once and for all…then he can have a burger…or something.

Post # 9
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

@jg780806:  

I’ll give you some perspective on this coming from the male point of view. Maybe he isn’t doing alot of things for the wedding because he doesn’t really feel included or it’s not “his” wedding. From the start, men are “trained” to think that weddings are a female tradition that male fiances are just invited too and often women (sorry, generalization) are falling into that and allowing the man to sit around which recreates the cycle. How is his background, is he an egalitarian and shares the responsibility with you or is he strictly gendered? (women do dishes, men bbq type of thinking?)

And are you telling him to do something, or are you asking him to do it. It sounds like you ask the first time, and then tell him to do it every other time. Put the ball in his court, has he given any opinion on the wedding? If not, ask him what he thinks should happen and if he wants anything. Now granted, your wedding is only 25 days a way so everything may be in concrete.

If he’s a numbers guy, like I am, give him a list of all that needs to be done in the next 25 days, he may not be seeing it as a big deal, because he’s a procrasinator, but once that list is created- BOOM he’s ready to go.

But he may be feeling really left out from the process and may be a acting passive aggressively to get your attention. men do that sometimes 🙂

Post # 10
Member
6960 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@jg780806:  I think @melonseeds‘s “bucket” idea is really really good. I’m very early in the planning process but I’ve already realized I want him to be involved and have opinions on things he just doesn’t care about. If your DH doesn’t care that someone in his family is involved in the wedding, either assign someone in your family or ask his mom who should do it. If he doesn’t want to pick a signature drink, pick one yourself. If he doesn’t like it that will light a fire to pick one. Of your examples, the calling the church is the only thing he really HAS TO do. 

Also, maybe look at his schedule and together figure out a block of time he can use for the wedding. I could use all my spare time wedding planning, but FI will get burnt out much more quickly. So if we decide he’s doing his stuff on one lunch break (for things that have to be done during business hours) and three hours this Saturday, it will help him focus. 

Post # 11
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I can relate.  When it comes to wedding stuff, my FI tends to take a long time to get it done or just doesn’t do it.  What helps is if I sit him down to do something- look at websites together for possible venues to check out, look over invitation options together, etc.  He will also join me to meet vendors if I find a time that works for him.  If I give him assignments to do on his own time, they tend to not get done.  He’s also intimidated by researching options- he would rather look through a manageable number of options that I’ve selected, though he will research others if he doesn’t like anything that I’ve presented.  Honestly, it bothers me that does very few wedding tasks on his own, since it would be more efficient than me having to do everything either with him or on my own.  But you have to pick your battles and I’m not picking this one.

Post # 12
Member
2715 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Nona99:  Great advice all around

Post # 13
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

@jg780806:  Sorry:/ I know this is so frustrating! Is there any way that you can take a night that would be “date night” and turn it into “wedding night?” Have a list of things that need to be accomplished (for you and him) and try to knock them all out right then. I had a similar situation with DH when we were planning our wedding and this worked really well.

Post # 14
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Sounds like we have the same FI! Haha.

my FI really is NOT into wedding planning. At all. 

He really just wants to go to town hall and be done with it. Which he has been totally honest about from the start. 

We might end up doing that or some other low key option. But I have no idea what we are doing because he hates planning!

he finds it overwhelming, so what worked for him was me askin him to designate a time when we will start tossing around ideas and plans to see what we want. This way he can psych himself up.

try talking to him and expressing that these things need to be done by x date. He can choose how and when they get done. possibly makes him feel less nagged. 

Post # 16
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Nona99:  Lol LOVE the drink idea 🙂

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