Post # 1
I am a 44 year old Catholic woman. My fiance dumped me today because he was tired of me not sleeping over his house and not moving in. He also feels I spend too much time with my mom and not enough time with him. My dad died 2 years ago and I feel like I have to look out for her now that he’s gone. And to top it all off I am an only child. We found out a couple months ago that the Catholic annulment he applied for was denied. It took 2 years for the church to give us an answer! It was a constant battle between us and caused constant fights. We never set a wedding date or made any wedding plans because the annulment was always up in the air. He is not Catholic but has been divorced for years and was married in a Catholic church. I have never been married. We have been together a little over three years. We were sexually active. Please don’t call me a hypocrite for having sex but not sleeping over or moving in. I was just raised by my parents that you got married and then lived together and no sleepovers. I know I’m not a teenager anymore but some things become ingrained in you and it’s difficult to change that. He knew that from the get go but just recently said it’s weird and he’s tired of it. So today he dumped me, I gave him my beautiful engagement ring back and now I’m beyond devastated. My entire world is shattered. I ended up at a walk in clinic tonight with chest pains that was diagnosed as anxiety. I was given xanax and even that doesn’t dull the pain or help me sleep. I am just a mess. I have never posted on here before and I’m not even sure I’m on the right board. Is there anyone out there who understands what I’m going through and could perhaps give me an ounce of comfort? I feel like a loser and not normal whatsoever. I have to call my primary care doctor tomorrow morning to make a follow-up appointment. I posted on the Catholic board but I’m not even sure I’m in the right place. What are you supposed to do and where are you supposed to turn to when your entire world is turned upside down? I have no idea why it says a wedding date of December 1969 on my post either. It must be because I left it blank.
This topic was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by sadgirl.
This topic was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by sadgirl.
Post # 2
I am so sorry OP, you are not a loser. You stuck by your beliefs, there is nothing wrong with that, far from it! Look after yourself over the next few months and gather your friends and family around you. Talk to your mum, she is there to support you just like you are for her.
Post # 3
I am so sorry this has happened but at least you know he’s not the man you want to marry- someone who doesn’t support you in your decisions or respect your family
Post # 4
I agree with PP. I understand your reasoning for not staying over, I’m in the same kind of boat [although I am in my 20s] and I think you did the right thing. If he knew this was a big part of your beleifs from the start, it’s rather unfair that he let this come between you two. You deserve someone who respects your boundries.
Just try to relax, make sure to take deep breaths and assure yourself that it’s ok to be upset for now, but one day you will be okay. Remember to eat regularly, drink lots of water, and look after yourself!
Post # 5
Give yourself time to grieve for the ending relationship but don’t let it go on for too long. To me it sounds like you both dodged a bullet. He didn’t seem very understanding of your beliefs or of your responsibility as an only child of a widow. I’m guessing he was waiting to see if things changed once you were married but with the answer back from the church he was discouraged. You don’t need someone who will bail when the going gets tough.
Neither of you were getting what you wanted in the end, he needed a full time partner and you needed someone who was free to marry you within the confines of your religion but also someone sensitive to your family situation.
Give yourself time but don’t give up, get out there and join social groups for things you’re interested in and work on you for a while. You’ll meet your McDreamy, you have a lot of love to give 🙂
Post # 6
Why is it necessary to be married in a Catholic church and not a courthouse wedding? I am not Catholic so I don’t understand. I am sorry this happened to you.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry 🙁 This must be so devastating to you! It sounds like just a crappy situation for both parties. He wanted to marry you but the church denied his annulment request and so now there’s really no option for marriage if you want to get married in the church, so therefore it looks like the relationship is at a standstill. It is so frustrating to me how religion can keep you from marrying the person you love. My husband is Catholic and I am not and also found it frustrating that he had to “ask the church permission” to marry me. It is so tough for you that you are basically put it a position to choose between him and your religion. 🙁 not fair at all.
Give yourself a lot of time and things will slowly get better and easier. Be patient and kind with yourself. Best of luck getting through this!
Post # 8
I’m so sorry! I can absolutely understand why you are heartbroken and having anxiety. It’s a huge thing to end an engagement! I’m sorry that I don’t have any great words of wisdom, other than that it will get better and he doesn’t deserve you! Hang in there!
Post # 9
I’m sorry this happened. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, he knew from the get go what your beliefs were… And if he can’t respect that, that’s a sign he won’t respect many things down the road.
but I so think you need to question if the whole no sleep overs or living together are really worth losing him over. If you two were already sexually active, thats already breaking a pretty big belief.
Post # 10
As someone who has recently just had her heart broken, I feel your pain. I am so sorry for you. Things WILL get less painful, even though right now that doesn’t seem possible. All the best.
Post # 11
I am sorry. As trite as it sound, time really does work magic. Give yourself time to grieve your loss.
Frankly, he doesn’t sound like great husband material–he was so unsupportive of your deeply held beliefs. I’ll bet he didn’t make you feel cherished.
Be gentle with yourself. I’m glad you’re going to the doctor to get some support.
Post # 12
I completely understand. I went to Catholic school my whole life and my parents are total puritans.
I never got intimately involved with anyone outside of an actual serious relationship. And I only had 1 actual serious relationship, with my FI. I knew from the very beginning that my FI had the same views as me and so I was comfortable allowing things to evolve naturally (staying over while dating, moving in after engaged, etc.)
Personally, after 3 years and at the age of 44, I can see why your FI is frustrated that you are holding your relationship hostage to the whims of the Catholic church. Honestly, while it’s up to you, I think you have a fundamental choice. You can go back to the root of your beliefs, which is basically that sexual relationship should be committed relationships and make a legal/spiritual commitment to this person, even if outside the Catholic church. Or, you can sacrifice the relationship.
The Catholic church is run by people and people are inherently flawed. You don’t have to sacrifice a beautiful relationship along the lines of what God intended just because the Catholic church is swallowed up in red tape. My advice – get married, invite God (Catholic church or no Catholic church) and live your life, including your new family life according to your good Christian values.
Post # 13
sadgirl: I’m so sorry you are g through this. You have every right to stand firm in your beliefs and he isn’t the man for you if he cant support that.
But I have a few questions. And I’m asking these not out of disrespect, just trying to get a clearer picture of why you made certain choices.
1) Since his marriage wasnt annuled, were you ever going to marry him?
2) You were able to make peace with pre-marital sex and you Catholic faith, how did you do that? Why were you able to do that for premarital sex, but not sleeping over? Is it because no one will really know if you are having sex, but once you sleep over the world will know you aren’t living by your Catholic faith?
3) Do you think he was having trouble following your faith when you were able to bend one rule, but not the others?
4) How do you feel about Pope Francis thinking about allowing communion for divorced people in new civil marriage? Would that change your stance on marrying him?
Post # 14
sadgirl: Ay poor girl, hold on there!
It does not really matter what ‘rules were bent’ as a PP mentioned. The fact is that this man was not able to accept you there way you are. Maybe it is best you find it out now, not after you marry?
I too have a mother who gets a lot of my attention. We are very close within my family and my FI merged right in and dotes on my mom. If my FI had a problem with me being so close with my mom I would be the one to break it off.
One should NOT have to make a choice between family and new relationship. It HAS to fit, otherwise lots of heartbreak to follow.
Just my silly 2 cents.
BIG HUG, hold on there!!!!
Post # 15
I’m sorry. That is very stressful and sad. However, I would consider it cutting your losses while you’re still ahead. It would be an even larger hassle and heartbreak if you had married and ended up divorced. Maybe this will be the event that leads you to your real soulmate. It will get better! Good luck!