My fiance ended our engagement, how do I ever recover from this?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
474 posts
Helper bee

We all understand that couples fight, and sometimes things are said in the heat of the moment. But the way the fight was handled, by storming out instead of talking about it. Him probably having doubts since you fight too much, but never being open and vocal to you about it. This all sounds like a very immature relationship. Upon reading it, I honestly would have guessed you two were 18. 

He sounds like he’s serious about not wanting to go through with this wedding, and wanting to break up. The fact that he was willing to let the venue go and cancel the vacation is a serious action to take on his part. 

You said that you begged him to come back and told him that you’d change…

I feel like there’s more to the story. If it was a silly fight, why would YOU need to change? Are there more serious problems to the relationship? What do you typically both fight over?

Post # 4
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur

 Honey,  do not change yourself for this man or any man  and don’t drop out of your Phd program!  It hurts now, but you’ll be okay. Don’t throw your dreams away for this guy.  There has to be a lot more going on because someone who loves you wouldn’t throw it away because of a fight about laundry.  He did you a favor, you now see his true colors. Is this someone you’d want to spend the rest of your life with?You deserve so much better.  Throw yourself into your studies,  go out with your friends, and try to forget about this guy.  You’ll be sad, cry, etc but you need to look forward. Best of luck,  girlie.

Post # 5
474 posts
Helper bee

@MissHarleyBlue:  All of this.


I agree. Do not drop out of school. What you’re going through is rough, but you can’t just throw your life away. 

Get emotional support from your friends and family who will help you get through this.

He doesn’t sound like a great guy if he’s willing to leave you over something so trivial. Believe me, there are huge ups and downs in relationships, laundry shouldn’t be a big test for the relationship. He should want to work it out with you and communicate, but he hasn’t done any of that. So far it seems like you’re the only one trying to keep this relationship together.

And I agree with the PP, don’t ever feel like you have to change for a man. There are men out there who will love you through thick and thin, no matter what.

He doesn’t sound like the one.

Post # 6
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Well, to me it sounds like he’s done with the relationship. He was very difinitive in not paying the deposit, in cancelling the vacation, in taking his stuff, in not calling you. To me it sounds over. And frankly, if he gives up over a small flat and a few arguments, it probably wasn’t meant to be. Even if he came back now, do you think it would be the same?

You are heartbroken. Give yourself room to be heartbroken and don’t judge yourself too harshly. Don’t drop out of your program. You can get through anything.


Post # 7
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Ok first off- do NOT drop your schooling over this. Yes, it sucks and makes it waaay harder but do NOT give up on your personal goals over this.


Secondly, there has to be more to it. FI and I fight over silly things- often to the point that we both go “are we seriously fighting over this?!” We’ve had some really ugly fights, especially involving life changes (first apartment together, buying a home together, even wedding planning). The important thing is realizing what’s more important. However, if you are fighting daily etc., that may not be “normal” and should be nipped in the bud. Better communication is so key. I have to say though, if the above story is the whole story with no frills- he should not have stormed to his parents. Adults don’t do this. Adults calmly ask for space to cool down and talk once they are ready to without being abusive. It sounds like he is shutting you out as it is easier than discussing. And he shouldn’t have cuddled you to sleep that night if he had no intentions of working things out. It’s misleading.

Post # 8
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Tybee Island, GA

and you think… this all started by arguing over who was going to wash clothes…

Thats not an argument that should even take place, much less to break up over.

There has to be more to the story. When you run away from the problem instead of “bucking up” to the issue and actually talking about it… it leaves the window open for one to jump.
You shouldnt have tried to leave, and you shouldnt have locked yourself in the bathroom. And when he asked for his ring back, and you just up and gave it to him without defending yourself or trying to work it out. You let him walk out of the apartment with your ring! You should have sat out there and talked like adults. And he shouldnt have ran to his moms! Both of you were acting childish.. and all over laundry.

It’s awesome he was willing to come and talk to you face to face about it afterwards… but like his mom said he was crying and hurt… maybe he does need his space?? Maybe he will think about what he has with you and come running back on a horse.. Right now the ball is in his court. All you can do is live your life… and try to deal without him right now. If he comes back? GREAT if he doesnt? ….. its gonna be okay.

Do NOT drop out of school. School doesnt break up with you or tell you you’re not compatable…



Post # 9
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It sounds like this was more than just a fight about laundry and space.  It sounds like there was a TON leading up to this and that he’s just had enough.

Post # 10
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@LabAngel:  It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to end the relationship. If your relationship was rocky because of his parents, that’s a huge red flag… parents of adults shouldn’t be allowed to interfere with their grown childrens’ lives. Even if my FI’s parents hated me I know he’d stand by me and we wouldn’t fight over it. Also, dropping out of your PhD is going to make your life a lot worse – don’t let someone else change your life for you. Use school as a way to keep your mind off of him.

Post # 11
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It may seem like this is about one fight but I don’t think it is. I think there was some problem with the realtionship beforehand. Regardless, you don’t want to be with someone who is willing to run away when you have problems. You should be able to communicate and compromise before getting married. 

Post # 12
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010


This is how it sounds to me as well.  This may have been a long time coming.

OP, I know it hurts like crazy right now, but please don’t let it mess up your education.  In time, believe it or not, you will have perspective & wonder what all the fuss was about over this guy.

You’re reeling from being sucker punched.  Grieve & heal, but take care of your future, too.


Post # 13
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@LabAngel:  *HUGS*

This is such a heartbreaking experience 🙁

It does seem like he was maybe having doubts before and then this just put him over the edge, particularly when you gave the ring back, which most likely explains his crying. I think when he asked for it back he didn’t expect you to give it to him (Not saying AT ALL that it is your fault). But from his point of view that night, you wanted him to leave so badly you were willing to give your engagement ring back and to HIM that was you breaking the engagement. Which really hurt him.

I’m not trying to blame you I’m just trying to get some perspective from his side.

That being said, give him some time. And give yourself some time. There is nothing wrong with crying in the bathtub with a glass of wine for a while. But after a couple weeks if nothing has changed, you’ll have to move on.

That can be super difficult given you obviously love this man enough to marry him. So spend some time with family and girlfriends and do other things you may not have had time to do while in a serious relationship.

Chances are you’ve been in a relationship for quite a long time and you get used to functioning as “a couple” and you have to readjust to start functioning as YOU by yourself now. Try new things YOU like and do what YOU want to do without worrying whether the other person likes it or will approve.

You don’t have to “move on” right away of course. For now I would try to work it out with you FI (maybe suggest counseling for the fighting?) but if he isn’t willing then I would say it’s over :-/

Sorry OP, and sorry for the long post. I completely understand your feelings and I hope everything works out.


Post # 14
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

I agree with PPs urging you to not give up on your degree. It sounds like the relationship is over and having something to drown yourself in like your studies will keep you occupied and help you cope during this time. 

Post # 15
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014


I agree with all of the PPs in that it is unlikely that he left due to arguments over the studio and laundry – especially if he had issues with his parents over you.

Exactly what type of “issues” did his parents present?

Did your FI stand up for you during those “issues” or did he side with his parents?

In previous arguments (big or small), did you and FI talk it through and made resolution – or did you two argue, let emotions sort out on it’s own without talking about it, and acted as if nothing happened?


In my case, my FILs presented ridiculous amount of negativity and “issues” about my FI even dating me.  It listed from them not liking my height to just not liking me in general.

FI stood up for me and me only every time, and did not budget on his decision to marry me.

FILs’ craziness still continues, and FI still stands up for me – and I trust that he will for the rest of our marriage.

Also, whenever we fight/argue, we always sit down together and talk it through – we talk about why we got angry, what was so upsetting, what could be done better next time – and then always end it with a huge hug and a sorry.

Sure, we still sometimes argue about the same thing, but the second time around, we remember why it’s so upsetting to the other person and the argument doesn’t get as big as last time.


At this point, all I can tell you is that your FI had something building inside of him, that couldn’t be resolved because he hid from you or he didn’t try to talk it out with you – or you weren’t able to catch his hint of effort when he did try to talk it out wiht you.

I don’t know what to say other than give him space for now.

And while you are doing that, give yourself some space to think/review your relationship with him.

Begging him to get back with you or forcing him to stay with you by teaming up with is mom isn’t going to do anything if you don’t understand the root of the problem.


So sorry that you have to go through this – but it may turn out to be a good thing in the future.

Good luck.

Post # 16
2915 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Don’t drop out of school! Definitely not! 

You are heartbroken, but in time that will pass. School will give you something to focus on!

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