Post # 1
Ok, so my fiance and I have been living together for a while and have been engaged since December. Two weeks ago he asked me if we could just get married at the courthouse for insurance purposes and taxes……not the best reason to plan a wedding. We talked about it for a while and I am firmly against it. We decided to plan a real wedding and it will be next June.
We are both catholic (I am not starting a religous debate) and I feel that it is very important that we are married in the catholic church. We picked out a beautiful gazebo in his grandmother’s town and looked for a priest.We can’t get married by a priest at that location. He didn’t want to pay for the churh. He agreed to the church, but then said we couldn’t have a reception……We have a budget that is more that able to pay for a church and reception.
Ok, I feel like the little girl on the beach and he is that bratty kid who runs by and stomps all over my sand castle.
I wrote out a budget and he was thinking we would spend about $1500 for the whole thing….good luck with that.
So now he agrees to the church and a reception, but he wants to have dinner and then rent a bus and go bar hopping with anyone from the reception who wants to go (his brothers and college buddies). I feel like he is trying to mess it up because I wouldn’t go with his idea of just getting married now without inviting anyone. He denies that outright, but what the heck, his idea for the reception sounds like a batchelor party to me.
What can I do to help him understand how important everything to do with planning a wedding is, and that it takes time and cost money…..
He would be happy if we went to the courthouse in jeans and had applebees after.
The thing than makes me mad is that three years ago he was driking and playing ping pong with college buddies. I was thinking about getting married and how my wedding would be. Even my brother said, wtf? Everyone knows that the wedding is all about the girls. It was his idea to go foreward with this, why is he so resistant now?
What should I do before I have to call this whole thing off. I am willing to compramise, but I will not give up on celebrating it like we are supposed to or being married according to my faith.
Post # 3
I think you both have different visions of what a wedding should be like. You need to just sit down and discuss everything. First what each of you want, then what both of you are willing to compromise on, then how you are going to pay for it. Put it all on paper and work to accomplish those goals. I think both of you are talking but there is very little listening going on.
Post # 4
We have been able to sit down and determine our guest list now and that puts things in a little better perspectie. Now that he sees there won’t be three hundred people at the reception he is not so worried about the cost. We hae taken a break and stopped talking about wedding plans or a day and I think we are both ready to discuss it without being stubborn. His parents have offered to do some of the leg work in order to gather information and that will be a big help and take some pressure off of us. We hae plenty of time to figure out all of the details. I have made a checklist and we are going to sit down tonight and work on our visions and get them to be in harmony.
Post # 5
That sounds great!!
One thing my Husband and I did when engaged was make sure there were a few days a week when no wedding planning, discussing could be done. Where we could just be a couple. It helped us keep grounded and kept our relationship focused.
Post # 6
Thats a good idea. If we keep banging our heads into the wall trying to plan this we will never get anywhere. I don’t want to go into this weaker as a couple because we faught over every detail. My fiance wants to take a weekend and get away just us, without planning things and without our daily hustle.
Post # 7
he probably is being passive aggressive…my FI did this at first. since we wouldnt have the wedding he wanted, we wouldnt have any wedding at all…we’d go to the courthouse. ummm…NO. so instead, i told him that we could definitely have the big, traditional church wedding he proposed, with 300 guests. he would need to plan it and find a way to pay for it. that went on for a few months…i literally did nothing. then people started asking him about stuff and he started to realize he was being a selfish a**hole… so, we met halfway and are having a smaller wedding (125 guests compared to orginal estimate of 300) with 8 GMS + 9 BMS (all but 3 are his friends)!!! but it is still the type of wedding i had hoped for…not so formal. not many traditional elements, etc… it will work out…explain to him how much his attitude is affecting your relationship…
Post # 8
I agree with Chela on budgeting time to talk about th ewedding and not letting it take over your whole life. It’s always a difficult issue when there is conflict (I think it is the girl’s day too, and fiance should just not argue!)
It is the hardest when he seems very uninterested in planning but then out of nowhere picks one minor issue that he just can’t let go of (for me this week: the time of the rehearsal and dinner)
It drives me crazy because he hasn’t been involved thus far, hasn’t done the research, and doesn’t know how much will need to be done the day of the rehearsal! But he insisted we make it 1.5 hours earlier ot have more time for dinner.
I’ll be so glad when the wedding day is actually here and the discussions and compromises are over!
Try to discuss things rationally, give him lots of options to think about and show him sample budgets that will make him realize how expensive a wedding can be! You need to come up with a solution that works for both of you.
It will all work out, and in the end–you’ll be married. That’s the best part, right? *hugs*
Post # 9
Remember it his wedding too. Try to mindful of the things he may really want but still may seem silly to you.
For instance my husband really wanted to go out and bar hop after the reception, so we did, why because he is my husband and he wanted to spend the most time with his friends as possible. He gets to see them once a year, he’ll get to see me everynight for the rest of his life 😉
He may be so aggressive beacuse you may be implying that you want this day to be your way. So make sure you sit down and have a joint discussion with joint decisions. It will make him more willing to help in the long run!
Post # 10
I’ve recently also been thru some "hiccups" with my guy over our timeline of actual formal engagement (he already considers us as engaged, me not until the ring is on the hand) and understand completely.
Men and mine included, have different ideas about the whole deal. I’d suggest you both create a separate "wish list" for your wedding and then sit down together and talk about how to bring it all in together to compromise.
Btw, I think you’re being TOTALLY reasonable and very frugal in your planning..he should be so thankful!!!
Oh and let him know that the bachelor party is when he gets to do all that stuff he’s talking about..
Post # 11
I had a totally similar situation, so I know where you’re coming from. I think if guys planned weddings they would look a lot like frat parties, ha ha! In my case I kind of explained to my FI the degree of priority that it was to both of us. To me, a traditional wedding was a big, big deal, and something I’d grown up hoping for. For him, the ‘Ultimate Guys Night Out’ style wedding was a passing thought, something that crossed his mind and made him say ‘That would be cool!’ After that we kind of agreed that if we were going to bring up a disagreement in terms of wedding planning, it had to be something that was actually significant and important to us. And he has – he wants a smaller wedding, certain reception elements, etc., but I am fine with that knowing that these are things that are actually significant to him and he’s not ‘kicking down my sandcastle’ as you said, based on a passing whim.