My Fiance has ruined my holidays

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@bonch:  Well I’ll start by saying that the holiday’s are always stressful and seem to bring out the worst in people, but it sounds like he’s being unreasonable.  If he’s like this on all things then I’d say that there are some major communication issues.  It sounds like you two get along in other areas, so I’d say that seeing a counselor who can help teach you two how to communicate and listen, as well as provide a sounding board for your frustrations could be helpful.  You’re right in wanting to deal with this now rather than later though.  Wish you the best!

Post # 4
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Does he have some form of social anxiety??

Post # 5
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@bonch:  just a thought-maybe he is a little anti social/has social anxiety. Luckily for me- both fiancé and I aren’t that social. It’s a real thing with possibly real anxiety for him ( def for me). I feel comfortable around my own family and even his but get really anxious around friends of friends or coworkers parties. I get what he is feeling but he should also be able to communicate that to you without fighting If that’s the problem.  

Post # 6
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@FortiesFlare:  I was about to ask the same question…OP it definitely sounds like social anxiety from what you described, do you think that could be part of the problem?

Post # 7
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Commenting to come back because he sounds like my husband and it’s taken quite a bit of work to improve. I learned a lot about him and anxiety through couples counseling but don’t want to type it all out on my phone 🙂

Post # 8
6449 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@FortiesFlare:  +1 This was my first thought as well.

Has he always been like this with strangers?

Post # 9
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

What the hell? Not a good sign. If he’s calling your family ‘strangers’ NOW, I imagine it’s only going to get worse. What’s his issue with them?

Post # 10
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @bonch:  First and foremost I see that this is your DEBUT post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

As I see it, it could come down to a variety of things…

1- Some people like the familiar… and don’t do well with things they aren’t familiar with… such as change, strangers etc.  They are the type of folks who have to “visualize” a situation so it is less stressful for them to get thru.

2- And some people seriously see The Holidays as ONLY about family… and ya, usually THEIR FAMILY

The first one is hard enough… and sort of an anxiety issue / phobia

The second one tho can actually also be hard to work with tho if you are a more easy going roll with the punches kind of person… who sees The Holidays as a “The More the Merrier” sort of thing.

The second one is also the one that causes a lot of stress in Relationships / Marriages when it comes down to the logistics of Holiday Planning and working out how to divy up time with Friends & Relatives.

I am like you… I don’t mind mingling the two… but some people do.  They get very defensive about time with THEIR LOVED ONES… and not wanting to share.  Sometimes it ties back to their childhood beliefs about what constitutes a GOOD FAMILY MEMORY

You guys need to talk this thru… so you have a better idea of WHAT it is that is bothering him most.

And if that doesn’t bring about a positive change… then maybe some couples counselling will.

(( HUGS ))

Hope this helps,


Post # 11
6951 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@bonch:  Oh man. I’m sorry you’re going through this. 

My FI is a classic introvert and it’s taken a lot of work for both of us, as I’m very much a social butterfly/extrovert. While I want him with me at every social event, I know that my friends are often too loud/rowdy for him and he doesn’t enjoy himself. I’d prefer to go alone than to have him be uncomfortable, which causes me not to enjoy myself. So it’s taken some getting used to. I pick and choose which events I really want him at and either choose to go alone or not at all to others. So… my friend’s wedding- yes. He had to be there.  But I went to a birthday party the day before without him for it. 

But your FI sounds like not just an introvert but possibly a borderline social anxiety. He can get counseling or even medication if it’s bad. To be fair…. I don’t know that I’d consider my FI’s sister’s FI’s sister “family” either… but I’d still have her over. If I were you, I would talk to him about how important these kinds of things are but also be willing to compromise. Yes, he should spend time with your parents while they are here… but he can do that at brunch or dinner with them and not go to the party. You were fine going to parties with your family when you were single, I assume, so you can do it now too. I’m just flat honest with my friends- I tell them “He’s introverted and stuff like this wears him out. I figured I’d have more fun if I could just give you my undivided attention and so I left him at home!” No biggie.

Post # 12
2323 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@bonch:  My ex was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.  He would get upset at me if I went to the gym because it left him home alone.  He couldn’t make phone calls, nor could he speak to the apartment manager if we needed something fixed.  He would practice before ordering food at a restaurant, and we could only go to resturants he’d been to many times so that he felt comfortable.  The final straw was a day that I was sick and he insisted I go to the store WITH HIM to buy medicine for me because he couldn’t handle going to the drug store alone.  It sounds like your FI doesn’t have social anxiety disorder, more that he’s shy.  I’d discuss your feelings with him at a neutral time, not related to a specific event but in general.  Calmly discuss mutual expectations for social events, things he is and is not comfortable with, compromises that you both can make, and reference the discussion (again calmly) when a specific incident arises.  As long as he understands you’ll both need to lean out of your comfort zone to make it work I think you two will feel a lot better.  Good luck!

Post # 14
8850 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Yikes :/  My husband and I learned a long time ago that a very important part of being a good partner is, when your partner tells you “I know you don’t want to do XYZ but it’s really important to me”, you do it.  That is like Life Partners 101.

If he doesn’t care that he’s hurting your feelings, he’s not making any kind of compromise, and he refuses to go to counseling with you, I don’t think that seems like a very good start to a marriage….

Is there something you do that he really doesn’t like?  (Other than try to spend time with your loved ones and him – that’s pretty basic.)  Maybe you can make a deal where you do whatever more, and he’s more flexible with this stuff.

Good luck  xoxo

Post # 15
3586 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I see why you’re upset about the Christmas party arrangements and think he’s being a jerk about that.  

But I wouldn’t invite my sister’s husband’s family to my Thanksgiving dinner just because they decided to show up in town at the last minute.  Her in laws are not my family.  I can see why your fiance was upset over that.  I’m very introverted, and don’t want people I don’t know in my home tagging along with people I’m comfortable around. 

Post # 16
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

I agree with OP’s FI reaction to the Thanksgiving party.. it was a last-minute thing with her FI’s-sister’s-FI’s-family … Ahem, anyway they’re hardly close family and would just have been in tge way of a close thanksgiving imo.


I do however think he overreated about xmas though..

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