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I see no correlation between his long legal divorce and you falling out of love. Are you you arent unfairly blaming something for your change of feelings?
i see no real problem still going through a divorce while you are engaged, as long as its settled before your wedding date.
Maybe you could ask him to call his lawyer to find out when he is expected to get this letter?
He did his divorce with out a lawyer, he went to a place where he fills out the paper work and submit it him self. If I don't keep asking him the status , he would let it go on with out following up. It was just recent I asked him again and he said that she had to sign paper work and send it in. But when I asked him initially what was the next step he said I just have to wait for them to mail me a court date. Now it's she had to sign a paper and send it in. I feel like if someone wants to really be with you and loves you the way they say they do then this should have been done 3 years ago.
Have you been through a divorce? Divorces, even ones you want, are long processes, and emotionally hard. Someone you once loved and shared a life with is now no longer legally tied to you. It can be both logistically hard and emotionally hard. Even if he loves you dearly.
Its hard to get a whole story from the internet, but from the little you have said it just sounds like its going a bit slow, but its going. And its likely to go slower without lawyers to expedite it.
I still dont really see the problem. Frustrating yes, but as of yet no major problem.
Divorce is not an easy process and it takes some time to get all that stuff together - I honestly don't think he would have asked you to marry him if he did not plan on following through with the divorce so it sounds like he is a procrastinator more than anything. That being said he should at least understand where you are coming from on this and be able to tell you what happening with it. I would be uneasy about the whole thing but i don't know if i would give up. What is his relationship with his ex like?
His 13 yr old son lives with us and she never comes to see him. My fi and her don't speak unless it has to do with their son. From what he told me he doesn't love her anymore. She had cheated on. I mean there is no tension between them.
I am so sorry that you are finding yourself in this situation. I'm sure that it is very painful and frustrating for you. What you are describing is just one of many reasons why I personally believe that anyone who is not divorced should not even be dating someone, let alone proposing to her.
I do understand that very few bees will agree with me on this, but I think it's important to realize that, values and morals aside, when you begin to date someone who is still married, you are in for a long, painful, bumpy and frustrating road that may never lead to where you want to go. And, even if it finally does, you may wish you had not taken the trip. A married man (and separated is still, technically, married), regardless of his very strong emotions for you and his lack of feelings for his estranged spouse, is not truly in a position to pursue a relationship -- free and clear -- with another person.
Of course, only you are able to decide what you want to do with your own life. However, I personally think it may be wise for you to step back and to focus on your own life right now and allow this man to sort through his own issues. If and when his divorce is final, and if you are not in a new relationship by then, then perhaps you could consider the possibility of a future with him -- one that is not hindered by his ties -- legal and otherwise -- to his current marriage.
It sounds like your Fi isn't being as proactive as you like. If it isn't a bitter divorce they aren't fighting over custody,property, or money, it should have been handled long ago. Lawyers cost money, but they also get it done faster and easier because they know the process well. I know a lot of couples who separate but are too lazy to go through with paying the fees and figuring out the paper work.
Sit down with your fi, talk to him about the status of his divorce and your feelings. Let him know who it makes you feel that he is still legally entangled with his ex who techinally at this point is still his wife. He should also be concern about that because it can effect him in a variety of ways.
Then if you guys can afford it, find an lawyer to handle it efficiently and quickly, my friend was lollygagging around, and making lots of mistakes, and when he hired a lawyer the whole thing was streamlined and went a heck of lot faster.
I also like to add only you know the pros and cons of staying in this realtionship, trust your instincts. If you feel disrespected and hurt and need to move, then do it. If this is just resulting from frustration and hurt feelings, express this to your Fi so he knows how important this is too, and how much it hurts you.
i feel your pain!!!! My Fi is also not yet divorced and same thing, seems to be dragging forever and many days i just dont have the patience and freak out! In my case no kids, but still seems to put it off. I guess advice to us both, give it a deadline, and lots of patience!
@ twocitybrides, I have done that before and he gets mad at what I say. I'm just repeating my self to him. I knew from the get go that it was going to be an issue but I didn't think it would have taken this long. I am the point that I don't know what to do. I am not going to force anything on him but I know that I am hurting from this.
@cifs, We just have to do what is right for us!
If he knows your feelings and your Fi only response is to get mad, that isn't cool. Personally I think his behavior is rude and disrespectful. It's been three years for fuck sakes! Truly you have a lot of patience and he needs t o realize this, I think you been more then fair.
I agree cjfs, if you truly are thinking about leaving and it isn't a ploy, you need to sit down with Fi and tell him you need to be proactive about getting this divorce, because I can't spend my life in limbo(baiscally you guys are stuck) waiting to move on with your lives.
Does he also realize if god forbid anything happen to him, and someone had to make choices you can't do it, nor can his parents, his spouce who is his ex would be in charge. If god forbid anything happens, his assets would be directly in her control, if the kid is a minor his SS would go to her until the kid was eighteen.
Can you guys afford a lawyer? Why doesn't he have one?
@ twocitybride, I do not know why he didn't hire a lawyer. I told him that I rather he had spent the money for the ring on his divorce. He has mentioned about getting a lawyer but I haven't heard anything about it. I totally agree with you. I feel so stuck in my situation. I can only blame my self for this. You know what else gets to me, the other day we went to his mothers house and there was a picture of his wife there with the family. I know she is the mother of his child but I think that is disrespectful. He told me that he was going to follow up on it tomorrow. I just feel like his priorites are all wrong.
Divorces, especially those that involve children, can be timely and expensive. Custody issues alone can span years. However, you said that they aren't really arguing over anything... Which sends up a red flag to me.
I know this isn't going to go over well here, but have you actually seen any of the paperwork? If it is not a contested divorce, it shouldn't take 3 years. Is it possible he only started the preceedings after he proposed? That's a more realistic time frame.
@ Sweetvanity, I actually never asked him to see the paper work. It never crossed my mind .
My FI is still legally married to. however, I did up his divorce docs (as that's what i do for a living lol) so I know hes in the process. His ex was giving him a really hard time signing docs (they have 2 kids) because of the kids (she doesn't want them, but wants them primarly with her on paper for income tax and child tax benefits and they share them 50/50). Anyways, her stupidity paid off and she FINALLY signed them almost two months ago now (we were supposed to get married this coming June but because she was being a $(!*% about it I had to make the decision to postpone the wedding to next june in the event she did not sign them and they had to go to Trial. We should be getting the Certificate of Divorce any day now in the mail *insert happy dance*.
In your case, however, I do agree that divorces are a long process and he needs to get his ass in gear!
@SweetVanity: ditto.
My divorce was uncontested with a minor child involved and no lawyers (I am one, but I didn't seek outside counsel), and it was 4 months from filing to dissolution. I know some states take longer (i.e. Virginia has a 1 yr waiting period when children are involved from what I've heard from friends), so it may depend on where you live. Ask around at work and see how long divorces took in your area. That will give you an idea of whether he is being appropriately proactive or has told you a story about when the papers were filed. 3 years is a lot no matter what.
I just wanted to chime in as someone who did a divorce with no lawyer (couldn't afford one) and an ex-husband who didn't argue with me about anything.
It took almost 3 years, and there were three distinct points where all I had left to do was wait for the letter telling me a court date. I didn't even have kids or property with him, we'd only been married a year.
My ex kept purposely not filing on time, sending the papers to the wrong place, etc. There's the added complication that you have certain windows of time to get things done and if the other person drops the ball, there's nothing you can do.
I dated during that time, but we didn't get engaged. We wanted to but I didn't feel comfortable getting engaged until the divorce was final. It's like Brielle said, dating someone who is going through a divorce is a process. It's like dating someone with an illness or someone who can't find a job or someone who has family drama; it's a long, bumpy road.
If you're not comfortable with this, why not tell your fiance that you'd be happy to be engaged to him AFTER his divorce goes through? Return the ring, tell him you still love him, but you don't agree with him asking you to marry him before it's final and you're sorry that you said yes. If that doesn't light a fire under him to get things done on his end, I don't know what will. If he's having problems because she's being a jerk about filing on time, he needs to go to his pro se office; there's usually a group of lawyers who work pro bono in one of the major courts who can give limited legal advice to people who are representing themselves in legal matters.
Thank you. @Happierkate, I might have to do that tonight. He is now saying that he is going to hire a lawyer now. I'm just going to see how much longer this is going to take. If it's not done by the end of this year I have to move on. I am 26 and he is 36.
Seriously I'm frustrated for you! He at the very least owes you a clear explanation why he doesn't have lawyer? What steps if any he has done, and what he has left to do. As |happierKate pointed out its tough do the divorce yourself, the same thing happened with my friend, which it was it took him over two years half years! When he got serious about his girlfriend who by the way he isn't even engaged too, he stepped up hired a lawyer and six or seven months later he finally done with the whole thing. If you guys can afford a lawyer, he should get one and stop lollygagging around and wasting time.
I agree with you twocitybride. Thank you. I was sooooo lost this morning but you bees made me feel better. Thank you. :)
I know divorces can take a long time, but I just can't wrap my head around proposing while he's still married. It just seems really bizarre to me, and if I were in your situation, I would have said no. Honestly, you need to sit down with him, figure out what's going on, hire a lawyer, and get it over with.
Im giving my FI a deadline of a couple months, meaning before I move countries to be with him. He is using a lawyer though but ex wife and him are in different countries so doesn't mean it's going to be quicker. I do think that putting a deadline is advisable. Otherwise it can go forever and he has to know of your deadline and act it up, at least thats what im hoping for! Otherwise i am prepared to
Move on withall the pain it entails. But hang in there. If it's meant to be it will be.
Btw, regarding pp, of course we all know that getting engaged with one of them still not divorced, is far from ideal, and in my case we did wait (but it was taking way too long,). However not ideal situations in life have to be tolerated with often, as Life is not easy and it's not perfect. We do the best we can with the "cards" we are given, and we unfortunately cannot choose who we love. Not getting attached to someone who's not divorced is a lot easier said than done!
My divorce was uncontested and it took us 2 1/2 years from start to finish. In our state you have to be separated for a whole year before you can even file for divorce.
I am so sorry. My divorce took 5 months tops, thankfully. No waiting period.
Yeah, I'd want to know what is left to do, what is the hold up, what is currently in progress, etc. I agree a deadline for yourself is a good idea.
I don't want to be mean, but it sounds like there is no actual divorce taking place. Go to the county website and look for his name. Divorces are public record and most if not all counties have their public records online now. Anyway, enter his name and you can see for yourself the status of his divorce. Every filing, court date, letter sent, etc. is entered. It is very simple. And... if you're not in a town where the records are online, it is still public record. Go to the courthouse and see for yourself what is going on.
It makes sense to move on if things aren't going the way they should. He's not exactly being very reassuring.
@2ndtime: Very good idea. Even if you're sure there's a divorce going on, it'll give you an idea of when things were filed and when court days are set for. I found out my court date from the website before I found out in the mail!
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I am so lost right now. My FI and I have been dating 3 years this coming May. Since we started dating I had asked him if he was getting a divorce from his wife and he said yes. Since then it still hasn't been finalized. He proposed to me in November of 2011 and I was completely shocked because I know he is not divorced so why would he ask. Stupid me said yes but with some doubt. I keep asking him the status of the divorce and he keeps telling me that they are going to mail him a letter telling him a court date. I've been told getting a divorce with a kid involved may longer the process but it's been 3 years now! I feel like I am falling out of love for him. I don't know what to do, please give me some advice. Do I leave him ?