Post # 1
I see how bad that looks now that I’ve just written it & I’m fragile about it. The good news: he filed for divorce 13 months ago (2 weeks after he met me & 6 months after his wife moved out). The bad news: it’s still not finalized. We have a wedding date set for May 28th 2011. HOWEVER, it is very very very possible it will be finalized by that date. The venue, makeup artist, dj, photographer, EVERYTHING has been booked because silly us, we thought it’d be finalized by now!!! Option number one is to move the date further out. Option number two is to keep everything as planned and if it really isn’t finalized by the date, we very subtly call it a commitment ceremony. I love this board, it has always been SUPER supportive and I’m nervous to even post this but I really have to make a decision asap & I know my fellow bees can help!! Amen.
@mrsmdphd: the holdup is a visitation agreement for their 9 year old child which we have sole custody of. His ex hasn’t agreed to 1 thing so it’s being caught up with lawyers, hearings, phone calls, meetings, mediation, etc.
Post # 3
Have the wedding anyway and don’t sign the paperwork, then when the legal time period comes around, then see a JOP and get the paperwork signed. Many people have gone to the JOP first then had the wedding, don’t see how the opposite wouldn’t work.
Post # 4
Do you know what the hold up is? It doesn’t usually take 13 months for a divorce to be finalized, so I’m wondering what the problem is. The nature of the delay might affect my advice on what to do!
Post # 5
If you are okay with moving forward with a commitment ceremony and just legalizing everything after that that is why I would do. As long as the commitment is there that everything with be made official after the divorce goes through I don’t see anything wrong with it. I know when I looked at switching my date,, trying to find a day when everyone was available was difficult. Good luck, I hope everything is finalized well before then!
Post # 6
tksjewelry said just what I was going to!
Post # 7
I would absolutely say you should postpone it. Who knows how long the divorce could take. His wife is likely going to try to draw it out as long as possible to stop him from getting married so quickly. To me it would be important to actually get married on my wedding day than to stick with the set date.
Post # 8
No need to worry, nobody is going to look down on you for this, I wont anyways! Its not like he’s still living with his wife or anything… It is really up to you whether or not it will bother you that its a committment ceremony rather than a wedding. It’ll be a pain in the butt to reschedule but maybe its for the best? Its up to you, in the end.
Post # 9
@mrsmdphd: My FH’s took more than 2 years, depends on who is fighting what and if there are kids involved. Sometimes it was 6 months between court dates.
Post # 10
@tksjewelry: I understand that sometimes divorce proceedings can be exceedingly long, but in a lot of cases the case doesn’t even have to go to court–so I was curious about the nature of the delay.
OP: If you’re at all concerned about maintaining custody, I might suggest postponing. If that isn’t a concern, my advice would be to go ahead and hope that everything is resolved in time, but if it isn’t, have the “commitment” ceremony and do the legal part as soon as you can. I’m so sorry you two have this to deal with so close to your wedding, but it will be resolved eventually!
Post # 11
@tksjewelry: have to agree here. If you’ve already got money invested, do this route. I’m soooo not going to give you ANY grief for this AT ALL! Life happens and, well, it’s great that you two found each other and are happy together! THAT is what matters most. At least to me 🙂
I’ll freely admit, I was lucky I didn’t have ANYTHING like that happen with my ex-husband after I had my son. (I say ‘my son’ because I see my ex- as nothing more than a sperm donor, lol). I did use a lawyer for the divorce and consulted him about the custody process and the .0001% chance my ex would show up at the hearing. I love that lawyer, lol.
If you two haven’t done so already, I highly recommend a good lawyer. It might be expensive, (ok, no ‘might’ about it, it WILL be expensive) but it might help move things along faster. Especially if he/she is versed in stuff like this. If nothing else, go for a cosultation, it’s a low fee, typically, and you should be able to get some advice on how to hurry things along.
good luck! and don’t let ANYONE give you grief about finding happiness! lots of hugs and good vibes sent your way!
eta: my son is now 7… so it’s been a while, lol but I still recommend a lawyer, if you haven’t done so already…
Post # 12
I’d call it your wedding regardless. You can do the legal paperwork later. If in spirit he has totally left the old relationship and totally committed to the present one, the rest is just legal formality.
Post # 13
I would keep your wedding date and sign the legal documents later on. It’s not your fault that all of this is happening and who knows how long it could go on!
Post # 14
I would just postpone the wedding until the divorce was final. I would want my wedding to day to be the day that I am legally married so I personally wouldn’t want to have just a commitment ceremony. Maybe the vendors will allow you to use monies already paid on the new date?
Post # 15
I don’t want to seem unkind in anyway, so please know I don’t intend to rain on the parade. I don’t know you nor this situation in detail so this comment is based only on the short info provided.
I think it is very risky to plan a wedding to someone who is not completely divorced, that includes all i’s dotted and t’s crossed. You just don’t know what could happen with paperwork, legalties, the child, and frankly-his relationship with the wife. Again, I don’t want to be negative but I want to share a scenario with you.
I know a woman who spent over a year in a relationship with a separated man, divorce paperwork in progress etc. He proposed and she was planning a life with him. He said the hold up was related to his three kids and money but the marriage was long over. Well, while he was in mediation sessions with his wife, they somehow decided to give their marriage another shot. This was a woman he’d been separated from for years, spoke horribly about etc. He moved out of his apartment and back into the family house. His “fiancé” was shocked, didn’t see it coming at all, and obviously devastated. Luckily they were not into wedding planning yet, but the devestation was there just the same.
Now of course a man can walk out on a woman pre wedding no matter what the circumstances but the presence of a wife, in my opinion, makes things that more sticky and perhaps untenable. All this to say, I think it would be very wise to wait until everything is officially done and then have your beautiful wedding.
Post # 16
@Fies: That’s a good point. I’ve also heard of that happening. I’ll also say, I’ve seen the exact opposite happen. The man & woman part ways and, though the divorce is drawn out, it still happens.
It all comes down to WHY they parted ways and how well you know your FI.
I DO know that with children involved, if the custody isn’t already taken care of, it can and will hold up a divorce. Hence why if there’s no lawyers involved, it can be a royal pain in the arse. Of course, it can still be that way WITH lawyers involved. 🙁
Good luck with your choice! and I hope it works out for the best for you!