My fiance is trying to take over the Rehearsal Dinner and my Groomsmen!

posted 3 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t know where this idea that rehersal dinners are supposed to be mini receptions with all the family came from, but if you are not required at the rehersal or an SO of someone required at the rehersal there is no reason for you to be at the dinner afterwards.

Post # 4
3199 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@twintech:  traditionally, the only people that come to the rehearsal dinner are the people that are part of the ceremonial proceedings – and thus part of the rehearsal itself. that would mean bride, groom, bride’s parents, groom’s parents, any escorts for parents (if divorced), bridal party and their dates.

if anyone else comes, it kind of negates the purpose of the reception, as PP said…

Post # 5
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@twintech:  Oh boy you have your hands full and she needs a dose of the real world – not to mention your parents point of view. 

First off, with her brothers in the wedding – they don’t have to be groomsmen…ushers will be needed. Second, you are not required to pay for the men’s attire – it would be generous of you, but if you put a set amount down on each of them the guys would appreciate that. FYI: for cost & comfort, they are better off buying their own shoes – as long as they are same color- instead of renting.

You need to be upfront with FI – at this point anything you say is going to upset her just because she’s got that wedding stress – so now is the time to lay it on the line…politely. 

Tell her that your parents have a set budget, and cannot open the dinner and she needs to stop inviting extra people so it can stay more upscale.  If everyone is invited to the rehersal then there will be no element of surprise at the actual wedding! 

Another option is to have small rehersal dinner with only those that are involved & parents, and then afterwards have a get together/aquainted that is open to the out-of-towners & additional people – keep it light with just some finger foods to snack on & beverages.


Post # 6
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I just had the most stressful week trying to figure out how to get together a party for all of our out of town guests, because that’s what my mom really wanted, until I realized that’s it’s called a rehearsal dinner because it’s for the folks at the rehearsal. I talked to my dad about it and he said he’d already talked to our extended family and they were more than willing to make do for themselves that night. In fact, they’re just looking forward to hanging out with all the people they haven’t seen in a while. That’s not something we need to host! Grown ups can take care of themselves!

My solution: We’re throwing a normal rehearsal dinner – the traditional kind – and then putting out a bunch of desserts at the restaurant and letting people who are in town know we’d love it if they would stop by for dessert (on our tab) and a drink (on their tab).

Post # 7
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@twintech:  why are your parents paying for all the tux rentals? Our groomsmen are paying for their own. I think the brothers should be in the bridal party. 

As for the rehearsal dinner, while it is partly dinner after the wedding rehearsal, it is very common (and expected where I am from) to invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner. Though that doesn’t mean it needs to be a 3 course fancy dinner! I attended a rehearsal dinner in the private party room at BJ’s and they had pasta and pizza- much better on a budget!! Just ask your parents what the budget is and then talk to your FI to figure out what is possible with that budget. Are her parents paying for the whole wedding? If so, I can imagine that the bride’s family will be paying significantly more and may think its only fair for your family to host a decent rehearsal dinner, regardless of the fact they may be in different economic situations. 

Post # 9
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Your fiancee doesn’t get to “decide” to add extended family to a party that your parents are throwing.  

Your parents set the guest list because it’s their party.  The rehearsal dinner is for the people who attend the rehearsal.  

Is your fiancee getting pressure from her family to invite the extended family to the rehearsal?

Post # 10
339 posts
Helper bee

No to the extended family. It isnt another reception and with a 14 attendants that is already enough. Tell her it will be too much for your parents and unless she or her parents are willing to come up with the difference, it just wont work!

Post # 11
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@twintech:  no one other then bridal party, their significant others, parents, siblings and grandparents need to be at the RD. (maybe like anyone involved in the ceremony like readers etc)… extended family is too much and it will be too hectic.

Really, if your parents are hosting it then they decide budget and who’s invited, the B&G dont technically have anything to do with it outside making sure all BP members are on the list!

Secondly, if you had room for her brothers are dont mind having them thats fine, BUT this is 2014 and most people today dont go for the “you have MY sister on your side, or your brother on MY side” stuff…. if your the bride and have a good male friend or brother they can stand on your side and a bridesman, and if the groom has a sister or friend she can stand on his side as a groomsmaid. They typically wear the same thing as what their respective sexes are wearing (or for girls standing as a groomsmaid they may wear a black dress to match the suit colour). I have been involved in weddings where both instances have happened and will be again next summer. Im MOH in my best friends wedding and we have a guy friend who’ll be with us.

Not sure if you can change that now but you can certainly put your foot down about the RD…. if anything speak to your parents and tell them to tell her no. Just because her parents are paying x amount of money doesnt mean everyone can do the same. Having 100 people at a RD is ridiculous, thats not a rehearsal…. if she wants to get together with the OOT guests then have a welcome dinner or BBQ or something….but NOT the RD.

When you have a couple of OOT guests its nice to invite them but when you have like 100 then NO its not appropriate. We had about 3 people form my family who flew in so they came but my DH family is from italy and stayed with his parents so they automatically had to be invited since it was at their house…. by the time it was said and done we had like 35+ people (6 standing on each side as well) …and it was a bit overwhelming….especially when your meeting people for the first time…

Post # 13
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Tell her that this is your wedding, not a family reunion.  If she wants to host a brunch the morning after the wedding and use it as a giant party for everyone she see’s fit, that she’s welcome to do so.  It’s not about them and if you don’t want wedding 2.0 constructed by this woman, you have every right to tell her that.

Post # 14
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@twintech:  I agree with some PPs- if she won’t budge, that doesn’t mean you or your parents have to because your parents are hosting and the guest list that they’re suggesting is appropriate.  

If she/her family wants all these ppl (or even all out of towners) at some event, maybe they can do a cupcake & punch event or something like that- cupcakes (depending) run $2-4 each, so that wouldn’t be a huge expense for them (since she’s pushing for all these ppl to be at the rehearsal dinner & saying she’ll pay).  

it’s unfortunate, but she sounds pretty unpleasant. I hope the rest of your planning is going much better than this is.  maybe it wouldn’t hurt to remind her that your parents paying for the rehearsal dinner etc. and you having her bros as groomsmen is gracious of you/your parents, not just required, and it should be appreciated.

Post # 15
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@twintech:  This just sounds like a bad scene all around.  I am hesitant to question someone’s marriage and relationship based on a few paragraphs, but she isn’t sounding too great in any of this.

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