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Hello Hive,
I didn't think I'd ever have to write my own Emotional post -- I've always been chill and drama-free. Until I got this email from FI (?).
FI and I are in a Long Distance Relationship -- it's been going on for 5 years. We talk everyday and we see each other/ fly to each other at least two times a year.
Anyway I'll just show you the email -- sorry it's a little long, but Im really not in the mood to condense. :( I just got this email and just finished crying. The gist of it is he can't afford to get married. He was supposed to shoulder the costs of the wedding.
I can’t pay for the wedding right now. I have too much debt to worry about. Its been scaring me. I’ve been losing sleep over it. 70% of what I earn goes to accelerating the payments of my credit cards because the interest rate is 15% to 20%. Also because of that, Its been hard for me to save. I ran the numbers. I’ll be seriously screwed after the wedding. As in I don’t think we’ll get our own apartment. Not sure if you and your family “want to” understand my situation. But mine do. Just tell them I have 25k in debt and I can’t do this anytime soon until its paid off or brought down to a considerable balance. I’m sure your parents and your siblings will start ragging on me behind my back. Tell them I will gladly call them and explain. I can’t let them bully me thru you anymore. I’m stretched thin from it financially and mentally. Keep in mind, I’m still recovering from 2 years of working a low paying job and using my credit card at the time to compensate the income lacked to buy stuff.
This is really embarassing even with a newly set up account (I post regularly). I just don't know who to turn to right now. I feel sorry for him, and I feel bad for letting him feel this way. I've been meaning to post previously about him being so "distant" -- I guess this is why. This is just so unlike him to shock me like this.
I've been wondering -- what does this mean? Are we breaking up -- is it something he's just not saying out loud?
I already sent out our save-the-dates and got "yes" responses from people who will fly from the East Coast to the West Coast just to attend the wedding. And no, he hasn't sent STDs to his side of the family just yet, so I'm the only one screwed. I recognized it as a red flag, and talked to him about it but he said he'll get to it. I don't live in the US, so he sent all the STDs to my US relatives -- and I have a lot!!!
How does one call off a wedding? I dont even know how to begin -- like how do I tell people?
I want to talk to him about this but I know he's sure about what he's doing. I already previously offered to "plan down" the wedding but he wasn't having it.
About that bit about my family -- in our culture (FI and I's) the man shoulders the entire cost of the wedding, and my family does tend to want things "grand". Here where we are from weddings are big affairs. I know he's been pressured over giving me a "great wedding".
I know he's in love with me, and I with him. I dont know what happened-- when I read the email it's like someone threw cold water at my face. Im too stunned to even be hurt at this point. It's so unlike him to hurt me like this. Like he didn't even give me a chance to make this work -- I'm okay with a smaller , much less costly wedding (we were planning for a small wedding as it is, 50 guests). I just wish he told me earlier and we couldve worked on this. The wedding is supposed to be just four months away.
Well the reality is he can't afford it and has decided not to pay for it. So if I were you I'd talk to him about what he wants to do as far as actually getting married.
I agree with moderndaisy. Ask what he wants to do, even if it's a small courthouse wedding. He's obviously stressed out over the money issue and it's not fair for either of you to spend that much money if you just don't have it--so ask him what's up and where you're going from here.
I know it hurts and you are probably dreading telling your family, but he IS being really responsible! It's a much better idea to enter into a wedding/marriage debt-free or close to it rather than shouldered with $25,000 in debt like he says he has. He doesn't seem to be saying he doesn't want to marry you, just that right now he can't afford a wedding. Your best bet is not to blow up at him or try to make him feel guilty, but just explain to him that this caught you off guard and is there anything you can do to help? Maybe he'd go to the courthouse to get married and then, in a couple years when his debt is paid off, have the "grand" wedding your family expects?
Sounds like there's been a lot of pressure on him from your family with respect to his paying for the wedding. I don't blame him for getting a little resentful. If your parents won't shoulder even a little of the cost of a wedding then they really have no say in how "grand" the wedding is or isn't. I would talk to him right away. It doesn't sound like he's breaking up with you, it sounds like he's increadibly frustrated at the situation and very resentful of your family and has reached a bit of a breaking point. It sounds like if you want to marry this man you are going to have to compromise. Maybe a small, intimate ceremony as planned and a "grander" reception/party at a later time when the two of you have saved up enough money?
It's a wedding. You know, you can do it in three years after he's out of debt and now has the money. If you were only having 50 guests I don't know how much more you can cut it if your family is a lot already. Why don't you guys get married in a courthouse, I know it will be a blow to your family but as it is, it seems he feels some sort of resentment towards them, and then later do a bigger wedding? That's my take. Trust me, when it comes to money, job etc, that's where a lot of guys get their egos from. It seems his is pretty down right about now.
Your family needs to understand that he obviously can't pay for what your family is asking for. A courthouse wedding could be the way for you two to go right now. I wouldn't necessarily say he is breaking up with you, but just that he's trying to let you know he can't pay for this and then end up in bigger debt.
Hmmmm, he keeps mentioning your family and their 'wants'. What do YOU want?
he sounds pretty angry about pressure from your family, etc... and he doesn't seem too apologetic, so I think there may be more than just the financial aspect here. maybe he feels overwhelmed by the feeling of disappointing you.
i don't think he's sounding like he wants to break up at all. i think he's just trying to let you know the pressure he's feeling and honestly i commend him for thinking forwardly about what the cost of the wedding is going to do for your future. it sucks that he has debt with bad interest rates but he's doing his best. you need to be there for him and do what you can to help shoulder the burden - i don't know your situation but it seems pretty unfair in this day and age for him to have to foot the entire bill for some super grand affair that YOUR family expects. even if you didn't tell your family you were helping, and paying for part of it on the sly it would help. this is just one day, and should be treated as such. we all get wrapped up in the fun and stress and expenses of this one day but the reality is, you're making a commitment and this "one day" is hindering what he sees as his ability to keep his commitment to you. i think you guys need to rehash the budget and possibly the timeline so that you both have more time to save up and it will take off some of the pressure.
I'm still stuck on the part about seeing each other twice a year? How does that work?
I guess I don't know how a relationship can really build with so little in person contact. Do you feel like you really know him well enough at this time to marry him?
I do agree with the others, he sounds angry & it sounds as if he feels pressured & manipulated. I think if I were in your place, I'd be working on arranging an in person meeting with him to hash this all out.
Thanks for the replies, ladies. I needed a reality check, and your comments really put things in perspective for me.
@Aubergold: When I was newly engaged I wanted a small wedding -- we're talking just immediate family, around 20 guests. FI and I are both, um, shy? We don't like being the center of attention, and we don't like parties. It wouldve been a church and private dining room at a nice restaurant. Really intimate and elegant. He loved the idea -- it's so "us".
If we did what we wanted to do in the first place I wouldnt be in this situation. It's just the whole wedding planning thing is CRAZY. People keep on wanting to ADD and I guess I let it get to me -- this whole wedding planning bug. Everybody wanted big weddings. It really is my fault for not standing my ground.
To me it sounds like postponing the wedding, not breaking up or completely cancelling it. I understand him wanting to pay down his debt before getting married and possibly having more debt. Is it possible that you two could have a small inexpensive wedding first and then have a big bash later when you can afford it? I think the two of you just really need to talk. Long distance is hard enough and with poor communication, it's nearly impossible. Good luck.
Thanks for the replies ladies, I needed a reality check. Your comments really put things in perspective for me.
I suppose I will give him his space and call him this weekend. That will be thelongest the two of us will go without talking to each other but I just can't getmyself to call him or text him.
@Aubergold: When I was newly engaged I wanted a really small wedding -- we're talking just20 guests, just immediate family. It would've been a church followed by aprivate dining room in a nice restaurant. Really intimate and elegant. FI and Iare rather shy -- we don't like big affairs, and we rarely go to parties. It'sjust that people around me (family, friends, coworkers) really frowned at theidea and thought it was the most absurd thing ever. And then the more I startedto research, the more I developed a "taste" of what other's weddings are like,and then I found myself planning a wedding that everyone was happy with. If I just did this as I"ve originally planned, I guess I wouldn't even be having this problem. :(
@sassy411:We fly to each other twice a year -- we use up all of our work leaves when we do, so it's usually 3-4 weeks per visit. I know it's not a lot, but we talk everyday, so I constantly feel like "he's here." We started going out less so we could be with each other via Internet. I was just there in the US a month ago, working with vendors.
My FI and I did not get engaged before we did for similar reasons, and while we decided to wait and postpone our wedding, I am REALLY glad we did. It took a LOT of pressure off of us to pay for a wedding we really couldn't pay for at the time.
I would definitely talk to your FI right away and ask him to clarify things for you. Is this breaking up? Is this postponing the wedding? Would he be open to a courthouse wedding? Would you move to be with him/him to you if you did go forward with an inexpensive wedding when you had originally planned on getting married?
Whatever you do, try to be as supportive as possible! He sounds very stressed out and under a lot of pressure. I agree with whoever said that a lot of men find their egos/identity through working and providing. Make sure he knows that you are willing to help however you can to get through this!
Good luck!! Keep us posted... we'll be here!
It doesnt sound like he is calling off the wedding he just cant pay for it. But if you only see him twice a year how well do you really know him. Did you have a relationship before you were long distance? Talking on the phone everyday is very different living in the same town. I wouldnt want you to have any surprises after you got married.
wedding is in 2015? wow... alot can happen in 4 years and u sent out save the dates 4 years in advance ???
@KTseamans: The wedding is supposedly 4 months from now. I sent the STDs last month, so 5 months in advance.
@piglet_625: Thank you! :) Will keep you posted -- I hope this works out one way or another.
@gulbraa44: Thank you, but I already thought this over, and both of us were convinced that we're ripe for marriage.
you will be just as married going to the court to wed. i feel when in our day and age and as a society we loose focus of what a wedding and marriage is. its not about the flowers, dress, cake, and all. it about the two of you becoming one and joining lives!!!! i say say get married and mayibe on your one year anniversary have your big wedding or even your 5th year renew your vows and have your grand wedding!!!! IF THERE IS A WILL THERE IS A WAY!!!! and if the wedding means so much to you help pay for it!!! in my culture the brides family pays it all. well my mom who is a single mother of 4. there is no way i would burden her with the cost. same with my fiances mother and sh e will be having her fourth in 2 weeks!!! we are both 23 work full time and go to school full time and are still having the wedding of our dreams on a 5000 dollar Budget. BUT THROUGH ALL THE WEDDING PLANNING MADNESS WE DO NOT LOOSE SIGHT OF WHAT THE POINT OF THE WEDDING IS, OUR MARRIAGE AND COMMITMENT TO ONE ANOTHER!!!
I agree with, this isn't a break-uo. I think he may be afraid that since he can't pay for the wedding, ou ma break up with him. Talk to him! You ma just have to set it off, and truth be told, I'd be afraid of spending money on a wedding if I couldn't afford an apartment. Don't be embarrassed about the save the dates, send a note from both of ou saying that due to circumstances beyond your ocntrol the date has been changed and they will receive notice of it later on.
Also consider having your wedding, with no big party, just a civin ceremony and diner for immediate family. It seems the pressure to perform from your family is big, maybe more than you realize. It's about the 2 of you. Culture wise, the economy shows no mercy to culture, so forget it, you will be a dual culture family so why not start shedding some of the less important traditions now. Good luck, long distance relationships are hard enough.
sorry your profile says April 3, 2015, I would be upset as well this close good luck and sorry for the misunderstanding, we are doing our wedding for$5000 if that helps at all its still going to be nice and not tacky...100 people food flowers cake dress rings ....
@KTseamans: That's fine -- sorry for causing the misunderstanding. I wasn't thinking straight when I set up this account. I should've just left it blank :( That's great youre spending 5k on a 100 person wedding -- I shouldve planned for something like this! Im sure it will be nice!
I've seen weddings in blogs that are budget (some as low as 3k) but are SUPER nice -- always wondered if I could pull off something like that, I wanted to. I just always let people's perception of the wedding get to me. You see where I come from people do bigname hotel receptions -- I opted not to do that, but we are still overbudget since we are doing the wedding in an expensive zip code. Gosh, I overplanned. It really is my fault!
I LOVE American weddings -- when I see photographs of them on blogs I love how casual and laidback they look. Like everyone is having fun! :)
@mrstobeeisme: Thank you! I figured I need more time to reflect on this mess I got myself into and then I"ll contact him. Thanks for the tip re: sending notes to guests. That's what's been bugging me too -- having to tell people about it.
@Emskulmoski: That is not a bad idea :)
@babebabe06: Thank you! You're right, I should be content with just marrying him -- he's an awesome guy, and I'm blessed to be with him.
unbride,, dont get me wrong I see these weddings on here with the best of the best or even one or two realy nice things and feel wow I deservie that too!! But I have to put myself in check and think about again the wedding is about how much we love each other and if other people want to gossip or think less of us because we are not having our wedding at a fancy place or do not have the best table wear then they dont need to be at my wedding.. I waited 10 years you five long distance prolly feels like 10 please dont wait because of money thats so sad :( OK not gunna bug you anymore... If you fi is like mine he might want to back out just because he feels you deserve the best and he cant do that ,, that is a stand up guy deff a KEEPER men are more sensitive then we give them credit for... night :)
My budget is 5k and I came in at $4700 with everything other than my dress and his suit. I'm having about 50 guests, outdoor wedding/reception in tent at a local caterer. They were out of my league but offered drop off catering which I was going to do and when I spoke to her, she said she would accomodate my needs ( they have 75 guest minimum with sit-down, 100 with buffet). WE adjusted the menu and I'm getting my dream wedding. Evertihing else is DIY other than bouquets. Just got my invites at Micheal's on cleanrance for $6 for 48 complete sets. Not my 1st choice but it fit my budget and is simple!
The thing that worries me about your post is that this came by email and it came as a shock and you don't know what it means. Did you know about his financial problems? - it sounds like he has been irresponsible in the past using a credit card to pay bills, though maybe he's being better now. Do you want to tackle his debt together? That's a big thing to agree today, and money problems are a real marriage killer. Your FI also sounds very resentful of the expectation that he would pay for the wedding. Presumably he proposed to you and you agreed to a wedding - if there's pressure to do something that's beyond his budget he should simply say that and go for a smaller less expensive wedding. The way he handled this seems quite childish, which can happen in a tense moment, but if continues to act like that you need to have a serious talk.
What is your budget for the wedding?
Have you considered ways to cut it down to something more affordable? or helping him out with the wedding costs?
have u considered getting married without a wedding?
because if he truly cant afford it then i really dont see how you can force him to afford him or make him go in more debt. i do agree that email wasnt the best way to say it but maybe he just couldnt find the courage to tell you on the phone or the other ways you communicate.
I also believe he is under such pressure to put on a grand wedding-especially because of cultural differences between your families. If you were to do the 20 person wedding like you originally wanted to -how much would it cost? Is it also because he can't afford to "take care of you"-with a decent apt and food, etc because his interest rates are so high and he has a low paying job? There are so many ways to have a beautiful low cost wedding. My daughter's cost $5K and I think it looked like we spent much more. Feel free to get in touch if I can help. I am sorry the economy is so lousy right now. It does make it harder. I don't think you should put off talking with him. It sounds like you need to talk to each other to plan and work things out. I don't think he is trying to break it off with you, better to clear things up before there are more misunderstandings with the lack of communication. Best Wishes hon.
I would suggest that your fiance contact Money Management ASAP. Money Management is a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping people with otherwise unmanageable debt. I first dealt with them when I had huge credit card debt (over $100,000) resulting from putting NotFroofy through graduate school at the same time as I was putting my two kids through college. (Due to immigration rules, she had to get a graduate degree to be allowed to stay in this country, and was not allowed to work while getting it.) They basically went to all my creditors and came up with a debt management plan under which I pay a certain amount each month to Money Management, and they divide it among all of my creditors. In return, I had my credit card interest rates reduced to as little as 1% per year. Within the next year, I will be officially out of debt.
There are a lot of scam artists in the debt management field. However, Money Management is not a scam, and has been a huge help to a lot of people with large amounts of debt. Leaving aside the issue of paying for the wedding, it is important to get your FI's debt taken care of.
since the date you have set is so far away: 2015, he does seem a bit *not ready*..in one of those immature phases.......
I hate to say it, but it looks like there are more issues that you two need to work through before getting married. I'm sorry :( It doesn't seem to me that he is breaking up with you or canceling your wedding, but just putting it off, so that is really good!!
His email seems to be full of frustration with the situation between you, your relationship, and your family. It would be smart for the two of you to settle what/how big a role your families should play in your relationship and decision making. It would be practically impossible to have a successful marriage without agreeing on this issue first, as well as how to handle a family member "bad mouthing" your spouse.
His debt is pretty darn high, I think it is wise to pay off some of that debt before beginning your marriage, and you might want to share the financial burden with him, as his future wife! Have a small wedding, when you are both ready for it. Good luck! I am positive it will all work out for the best! :) Don't worry!
Thanks again everyone for the replies -- gosh I couldn't get this off my mind.
@KTseamans: It DOES feel like ten years. And I'm not getting any younger!
@rachelss: I did need some help "decoding" this, and I'm glad I asked for the bees' take on this. It was hard for me not to "get hurt first" and I couldn't really read it without making judgements of my own.
Some years ago quit his job and stayed jobless for over a year. He's not saying it, but I believe he did this so he could spend more time with me -- I was fresh from college and didn't look for a job right away This also gave him enough time to come to my country and stay for an extended period. We really built our relationship during this time and really got to know him.
I got a job after a year (I took some more part-time courses after getting my business degree) and shortly after that, he decided to rejoin the workforce. At the time that he did, the economy was really bad, and he couldn't get the same pay grade that he used to get. By this time, his bills skyrocketed -- long distance calls (this was before I discovered Skype), hotel stays, flights.
Now that the economy is slightly better he got himself a better paying job -- not as great as the figures he used to make, but he's getting there.
All of you are right, we better take care of this soon.
@2dBride: Thanks for the tip re: debt managemetn. I'll have him look into this. :)
You seem like you're being totally reasonable now that you've had some time to digest it. Glad we could help. Let us know how things work out when you talk to him again.
Sweetheart--hold your head high, it really does sound like you've got a sensible man here. Nowhere in that e-mail did he tell you he didn't love you or that he didn't want to be with you. He said that he can't afford to give you what you want in a wedding day. Don't let this e-mail be the pitfall of your relationship--call him and ask him where things go now. From the way that I see it, you are just going to have a lengthy engagement. OR as others have mentioned, you can go to the courthouse and get married and have your reception later, when it's financially feasible.
As far as calling the wedding off to your friends and family, you send them something in the mail if you don't want to do it personally. My first engagement, my fiance called off the wedding less than a month before we were to walk down the aisle--so not only had save the dates been sent out, but so had invites, vendors booked, gifts rec'd, everything was done (with the exception of handing in the final head count). I was such a wreck that my mother handled everything for me--but she made a card, printed and sent it to everyone on the guest list.
Essentially all you need is an officiant, a nice dress/simple flowers, a man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, your closest family (parents and siblings) and a nice lunch or dinner at a fancy restuarant. If you can afford a good photographer, or know someone with a good eye, then throw that in too. The cost of that would probably be minimal and still beautiful. Tell the guests who got the save the dates that you apologize but you decided on changing the date and going for a more intimate wedding and send them a wedding announcement after the wedding.
My two cents is I feel kind of bad for your fiance- why are you allowing your family to make him feel bullied through you? It's not a great start to a relationship.
If it's about the wedding perhaps you should call it off, if it's about the marriage have a small ceremony and move on with your lives. He didn't call off the engagement, he was honest about your (not just his, if you're getting married you will be a team) financial situation.
Good luck handling this situation, if I were you I'd have a meeting with your family explaining the situation and letting them know if they have negative opinions to keep them quiet.
I agree that it is the responsible thing to do.. the only thing that sort of upsets me is that he did this in an email. Calling off a wedding is a big, emotional decision and I think its unfair to you that he did it through an email.
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