Kids are beautiful. Kids are hard. The beautiful wins.
As they grow, parents sort of can’t wait until they’re grown. Your 9 year old is pretty big. That’s probably what’s happening. Your fiance can taste the freedom. Once your littlest is about that big, you can’t imagine doing it all again. Also! YOU can start to taste the freedom. You are probably over 30 (11 year relationship) and are really solid in your career and can REALLY taste career success! I say, don’t fall for it. Either of you.
ALSO: For the most part you both basically DID want kids. You just didn’t do it. Don’t let the “freedom factor” or the “success factor” tease your brains. I think in the long run you will want them. You just let a few too many years go by. I say jump in. (And I’m talking to him, too.)
ALSO: I’ve seen people be really afraid of having a child. Then the child comes. And it’s almost guaranteed to be heavenly. (I only say ‘almost’ to allow for post pardom depression possibly)I used to say, with respect to kids, “When in doubt, do.” I think it still stands. Just don’t have 100 of them. If you’re in doubt have 2. Minumum and maximum. (2 so they have a playmate)
It’s also my belief, that IDEALLY, husband and wife agree on each step, each child. But it’s my belief that better than flipping a coin, let the woman have her way. It’s just a little bit more her prerogative. And she’s almost guaranteed to be euphoric about it. So is he.
WHAT KIDS BRING: I think they mature us to a LARGE degree. They delight us immeasurably. I believe they help us “get through” life. I think the gamble should be in favor or having kids.
I would never marry a guy who didn’t want kids. Because I had to have them. I think you should figure out what you REALLY want. (Which I think is to have kids) And I say, let him act accordingly. I believe that he should give you your way. Marry you, with the knowledge of having kids. Sounds old fashioned, I know, but I think it’s real.
This dilemna is kind of a by-product of a lot of waiting. An 11 year relationship is long. Chances are neither of you are particularly decisive or looking at the over-view. Sorry to be blunt. So here you are with the classic temptations that come up. When men get vast freedom for so many years, it’s not that good for them. It may breed egotism. Yes, he really can spend the rest of his life living in his den, or watching sports or going biking, and positively, he can spend the rest of his life bouncing from one monogomous relationship to another, or not… And just date around. It all kind of digresses.
I wouldn’t say this to absolutely everyone. If a guy had a grown family, it’s a harder decision. But even for him, it’s probably the right thing to have 2 more kids with his new wife that he adores. Overwhelming, but it’s a win-win. Really. She should never have to be that 29 year old who agrees to never have kids because he already did. So sad.
Again, kids always wind up being the great decision. Even when they’re not planned! Even with the wrong father! They’re majic that way…
Don’t let it all happen. Kids don’t take a lifetime; they take 20 years. Who regrets it?