My Fiance JUST decided he doesn't want kids! Advice please!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

That is unfortunately something that neither of you should or could compromise on. No matter how much you love him, if you know you will most likely want kids, and he doesn’t want to expand his family, he is not the right man for you. You will grow to resent him for keeping you from having something you want.

Post # 3
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Talk to him more and make sure it’s 100%. Ask what made him change his mind. Ask if he thinks he would later decide he does want kids. I would make sure he realizes that by changing his mind it also means you will need to consider how you feel about this new information since you thought you shared the same outlook. I would get as many questions answered as possible and then make your decision from there. I look at this situation a little different than I would if he was in his early 20s. 

Post # 4
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

How involved have you been in the 9yr old’s life?

Post # 5
Member
4901 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Sara1923:  

I agree.  This requires a lot of discussion.  It’s really not an issue on which you can compromise.

Post # 9
Member
4901 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Would your Fi be open to couples’ counseling?  This is a pretty big deal.

Post # 11
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Kids are beautiful.  Kids are hard.  The beautiful wins. 

As they grow, parents sort of can’t wait until they’re grown.  Your 9 year old is pretty big.  That’s probably what’s happening.  Your fiance can taste the freedom.  Once your littlest is about that big, you can’t imagine doing it all again.  Also!  YOU can start to taste the freedom.  You are probably over 30 (11 year relationship) and are really solid in your career and can REALLY taste career success!  I say, don’t fall for it.  Either of you.

ALSO:  For the most part you both basically DID want kids.  You just didn’t do it.  Don’t let the “freedom factor” or the “success factor” tease your brains.  I think in the long run you will want them.  You just let a few too many years go by.  I say jump in.  (And I’m talking to him, too.)

ALSO:  I’ve seen people be really afraid of having a child.  Then the child comes.  And it’s almost guaranteed to be heavenly. (I only say ‘almost’ to allow for post pardom depression possibly)I used to say, with respect to kids, “When in doubt, do.”  I think it still stands.  Just don’t have 100 of them.  If you’re in doubt have 2.  Minumum and maximum.  (2 so they have a playmate)

It’s also my belief, that IDEALLY, husband and wife agree on each step, each child.  But it’s my belief that better than flipping a coin, let the woman have her way.  It’s just a little bit more her prerogative.  And she’s almost guaranteed to be euphoric about it.  So is he.

WHAT KIDS BRING:  I think they mature us to a LARGE degree.  They delight us immeasurably.  I believe they help us “get through” life.  I think the gamble should be in favor or having kids.

I would never marry a guy who didn’t want kids.  Because I had to have them.  I think you should figure out what you REALLY want.  (Which I think is to have kids) And I say, let him act accordingly.  I believe that he should give you your way. Marry you, with the knowledge of having kids.  Sounds old fashioned, I know, but I think it’s real.

This dilemna is kind of a by-product of a lot of waiting.  An 11 year relationship is long.  Chances are neither of you are particularly decisive or looking at the over-view.  Sorry to be blunt.  So here you are with the classic temptations that come up.  When men get vast freedom for so many years, it’s not that good for them.  It may breed egotism.  Yes, he really can spend the rest of his life living in his den, or watching sports or going biking, and positively, he can spend the rest of his life bouncing from one monogomous relationship to another, or not…  And just date around.  It all kind of digresses. 

I wouldn’t say this to absolutely everyone.  If a guy had a grown family, it’s a harder decision.  But even for him, it’s probably the right thing to have 2 more kids with his new wife that he adores.  Overwhelming, but it’s a win-win.  Really.  She should never have to be that 29 year old who agrees to never have kids because he already did.  So sad. 

Again, kids always wind up being the great decision.  Even when they’re not planned!  Even with the wrong father!  They’re majic that way…

Don’t let it all happen.  Kids don’t take a lifetime; they take 20 years.  Who regrets it? 

 

Post # 12
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

If his not wanting kids is a deal breaker for you, then walk away.   

Post # 13
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

haveadog00:  I disagree that everyone should have kids even if they don’t “think” they want them. Some people would not make great parents, and they are smart/mature enough to realize it. It is incredibly selfish to use children as a plot device in a relationship just make someone else happy.

Post # 14
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema

haveadog00:  WTF?! Lol I’m CBC and don’t agree with you at all. Especially the thing about letting the woman have her way!

OP, this is a huge issue. You have to talk to him, and I think also reflect on why you do want kids. I’m not trying to convert you to the CBC lifestyle at all, but I do think too many people choose to have kids without REALLY thinking about why they want them or if they indeed do want them.

Take your time over this, whatever you do. Have a talk, both take time to reflect on what you both really, truly feel and then talk again.

Good luck to you!

Post # 15
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

haveadog00:  When in doubt, just “let the woman have her way”? I couldn’t disagree with your post more. These are children you’re talking about, living breathing human beings who shouldn’t be brought into the world lightly. Both parents should be on the same page when deciding to conceive, both parents should want children and be prepared to take care of them. 

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