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Since you explicitly asked for no comments all I have to say is that I hope everything works out for the best.
*hug*
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.
First I'd say to take it day by day. If you know you want to be back with him, keep the lines of communication open. That said, it seems to me that he's been pulling away from you for a long time now, so I'm not so sure that he's willing to get back with you. You said he said he's not sure if he loves you or not anymore. Two years into our roughly 4 year relationship, my college boyfriend said the same thing to me - and never really changed his mind back. Perhaps it will be different for you.
I think he needs to work through his issues he has before he considers getting married again. I don't think it's that he needs to have those issues fully resolved, but it sounds like they are affecting a lot of things and that needs to be his priority now. I would not rush to get married, buy a house this summer as you suggested.
I hear you that you made a huge effort from him and wanted to see something back from him in return. Unfortunately, the reason he needed that effort was because he was incapable of making any effort for you - or that's my read of your story.
Lastly, I'm totally confused how you save money by moving out of the home with his family. To me it really seems backwards.
I hope that however you eventually decide you want this to turn out it does. Good luck!
I don't think he's a jerk or anything like that... but he is INCREDIBLY broken. The life he's experienced to this point as just damaged his heart so much. With that though it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to love you with the kind of love that makes a marriage work.
I would definitely advise to not marry him at this point.. but continue loving & pouring into him who he REALLY is.. who he was MADE to be and not who the enemy is telling him he is!
I am so sorry you're experiencing this.. I know the feeling of a broken engagement... and the fact that your heart physically aches for that person... but I couldn't ever advise to work out a relationship headed for marriage with someone that needs a heart healing of their own before they could ever even truly love another.
I will definitely add this to my list and keep you, your heart, and your former FI in my prayers.. That Jesus would invade you both and show himself true to being Jehovah Shalom.... leaving yours and his heart whole and healed to a state that you two may never have even known... Him for sure, that he would be made whole into the man that God made him to be and not who this world has made him through what it's done to him! Jehovah Shalom = "nothing missing nothing broken"
((hugs))
I'm so sorry :(
I definitely don't think he's an asshole, I feel like he has some demons he needs to work out. If you two do end up staying together couples counseling would be something to seriously consider. Again, I'm so sorry.
I am very sorry! I wish I could fix this for you. I know you are hurting. I don't think he is a bad man just broken. I know from experience that broken people aren't emotionally safe people to be in a relationship with. Your heart takes such a beating and the sad part is I don't think they even intentional try to hurt you. It sounds like he has been dealt a rough hand thru no fault of his own. My heart really breaks for you both. I will pray for his healing and that God will ease your pain. HUGS*
First, he's not an asshole. He has problems that run so deep he cannot separate them from his feelings for you, and the relationship. It sounds like he has a lot to sort out, and the best advice I can give is to give him space. Don't disappear from his life because I think that could be disastrous for him. I'm not a shrink but I cannot help but wonder if the time you were living together, if he was struggling with his inner demons and somewhere inside felt that putting up a small wall would serve him better?? I don't think he meant to make you feel the way you did when you were together.
Second, I can see why he is telling you that he doesn't want to keep the relationship going and that you would be happier without him. In his eyes, he probably sees himself in a much darker view, that he most likely would not admit to. He has a lot to deal with and maybe letting him know that while you may not be together as a couple for now, you'd like to be there for him and offer support, but you're going to also be giving him some space to think things through. To know that you are loved, and wanted even when you push people away, it can mean a lot to someone who has a lot of inner demons to deal with.
I will keep you and him in my prayers. Know that what is meant to be and what is not, will not. Prepare your heart for the worst, but hold out for the best.
One of my friends married a very broken man and he is doing a lot better now. It took MANY MANY years for him to be whole enough for it to work, but they have a lovely marriage and life now.
So, it is possible for it to work out.
All the best to you.
I'm so sorry that this is happening, but as others have said it's better that it's happening now. I was in a similar situation with my ex. We were together for 5 years total. We got engaged after 2.5 then I broke it off after almost another year (after all the deposits were made on the wedding) then we went back to dating for another 1.5 years before I broke it off for good. He had some mental baggage and was bipolar, had tried to commit suicide a few times, depressed, etc. He had hit me, come after me with a knife, got a DUI, threatened to kill himself any time I tried to end it, He was a genuinely good guy, but he had emotional problems when he wasn't taking his meds. but there was just too much for me to deal with. I had many of the same thoughts that it sounds like you are having. You don't want to give up on it, you want to care for him, etc. I can tell you that I was 100% happier when I broke it off. I too worried about wasting so much time and having to start from scratch, but not too long after I met my current bf and realized what love was really like and how a relationship should be. I feel like an equal and like he could emotionaly take care of me instead of always having it be the other way around - that is what you deserve. I thought my ex was the love of my life too - there is a better man out there for you!
All Im going to say is Im so sorry your hurting!! Hes not an ass and I sincerely hope that things for the both of you work out for the best!! *hugs*
Is he actively getting help for his mental issues? Therapy? On a good medicine regime?
It sounds like he has issues that need to be worked through before he can be in a stable relationship. He owed it to you to try to work them out first and you can't be his therapist. Hopefully he will realize this and feel motivated by the possibility of a future with you, but please don't get your hopes up just in case. If he isn't willing to work on this then trust me you don't want to be with him anyway.
*hugs* I hope everything works out for you. I had a very similar childhood to him and it took awhile for me to be whole enough to be with someone fully, He may just need more time. Is he seeking help for the traumatic experiences in his life?
Okay, here is what I got from your post. This man:
- couldn't decide whether or not he loves you
- blames you for ruining the relationship
- said he only stayed with you to prove a point
- refused a chance to get on with your life plan together
This relationship has been over for a while. I know it sucks, and you love him, but if this is what the first try resulted in, I don't understand why you would go back. He might be a good man that you love, but that's not enough to keep you happy your whole life if he can't decide he loves and wants you as much as you do him. And that's what I'm picking up from this post. Ask yourself what you would advise a friend in love with a man who did these things. As much as you love him, you cannot fix these problems.
You said you can't imagine life without him and your future children. My advice is: start imagining. What are you going to do with your life? What career path do you want? What hobbies would you like to do more? Which friends do you want to see more often? Don't wait until you're over him to start living your life. Go do it now. If in the years to come he realizes his mistake and comes back to you, loving and wanting you as you deserve, great. If he doesn't, your life WILL go on. You WILL fall in love again, hopefully with someone who loves you back.
His demons suck, but they are not your demons. You deserve someone who loves you. Would someone who loves you as you deserve to be loved do these things?
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I made a new profile in case things work out, I don't want any of my friends to know. Hopefully they will. My FI has a lot of emotional issues and I think what's really happening is he's turning his internal problems into problems between him and me. So maybe he'll change his mind. He's been saying for a month that sometimes he doesn't feel like he loves me, but other times he does, and he didn't want to break up. I trusted that he really did love me he was just having a rough spot. when he is he has trouble talking to anyone about it, there's been some real serious issues from his childhood (bad father, molested by cousin, suicide attempts) that still affect him very deeply. So a year and a half ago I came to live with his family, temporarily, and stayed for about 6 months. I decided to move back out for the sake of less drama in my life, and he never said that this really bothered him, because I still came to see him all the time. And when I was staying there he seemed kind of bored with me being around all the time. So I thought it was for the best, and it was saving me money that we could use later for a house or kids. Well last night he decideds to tell me that by moving out (a year ago) I ruined our relationship beyond repair for him, and he was just staying with me to "not give everyone else the satisfaction" of seeing us break up. I told him the reasons were because I felt like he didn't want me there, and it was too stressful to me, and the money, and that I felt he wasn't that commited to me- that living with him was easy for him but hard for me, and he never "returned the favor", so to speak. So I told him if he would give me one more chance I would move back in, we would get married this summer, and live together, and I had the money for a down payment on a little condo together and we could just start a new life right now. He said no. He said I'd be happier without him, but it's not true. He was my first and only love, first and only real relationship at all. I gave him 2 years of my life and all of my self. My whole fututre was planned around us being together and starting a family, and now I don't know what I'll do with myself.
I guess I just want someone to hear this. I don't need to hear "he's an asshole" because he's not. He's the love of my life. And I know it's better that I found out before we were married or more time had passed, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I'm not sure if I'll be leaving the bee or not. With all the rocky stuff in the past month it's been a safe haven for me, where I can throw myself into something and stay in denial. I'll probably be hanging onto that for a while longer. I don't know what I'll do when my wedding gown comes in the mail in a few weeks, that will be a bad day.