My Fiance needs a dose of reality!

posted 2 years ago in Military
Post # 2
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

MrsHistory-Bee:  If he is bad a delaying gratification, can you deal with this for the rest of your life? This most likely will not change. You will eventually turn into his “mother” scolding him on what he should and shouldnt do. 

Post # 3
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MrsHistory-Bee:  You are both grownups. Can you not agree on a set amount of money that each of you can spend without consulting the other?

Your issue is the money he spent. He interprets that as him not having the right to do anything with his buddies.

Make it about the money.

Post # 4
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Going for an occasional weekend at the beach is not unreasonable. Life doesn’t stop allowing you to have fun once you’re planning a wedding. You two need to get on the same page about money. Organize your budgets, figure out how much you need to pay for the wedding and what you’re not willing to give up to do that. Your way isn’t necessarily better than his.

Post # 6
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MrsHistory-Bee:  So rather then frame the discussion around something he has done wrong (in your opinion), can you not have a separate discussion where you come to some agreement about budgetting your income? Rasing the subject when your are upset at what he has done, and he is upset because you are criticizing, will never work.

Post # 7
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Not having any fun what so ever until April is going to be hard.  It will most likely lead to a lot of arguments. Everyone needs their little perks.  A beach vacation is a bit exessive, but not doing anything extra for 8 months wears down quickly.  He also doesn’t see you, because of distance, or any of his friends due to life style, living on that sort of a budget and likely feels like he is missing out.

What really worked well for DH and I (and many other couples I know) is having either a fund where you both give X amount every month, or having an allowance where you both get to spend X amount every month.   If he sees that either you are giving or spending the same as him, in he will have something to relate to. 

Post # 9
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

KoiKove:  +1 This trait would be a deal breaker for me. (not saying you should break up with him, different people can deal with different things!)

Post # 12
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee

I get it.  Its that kind of thing that really adds up and can completely ruin your savings plans.  I know with my last savings goal it drove me crazy that it seemed like every time I turned around it was someone else’s wedding or birthday or something that was taking all of my savings. 

 

Post # 13
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

MrsHistory-Bee:  If he isn’t like this normally, sounds to me like he is having a “You aren’t the boss of me” moment. Part of him is mourning the loss of his single self, so he is acting out in really immature ways to prove to himself that he isn’t whipped. Being BMOC to his friends, “see, I’m my own man, she doesn’t tell me what to do”. 

The good news is that this might be a phase as he transitions from single man to married man. And you just have to support him as he goes through it. (and gently remind him that being married isn’t the end of the world)

The bad news is that this might not be a phase and he is acting out because he really doesn’t want to be a married man. 

I would stop talking to him about this and starting writing. Often times when guys are losing their minds (which often happens as they transition from one stage in life to another), talking words are overwhelming. I would send an email and emphasize not that he couldnt go to the beach or that he cant spend money. It’s just now that you are planning a wedding you are a team. Part of being on a team is communication and being clear about your goals and the sacrafices you each will make to reach that goal. 

I would also include the line–If the goal has changes, meaning either you dont want to 1)have a wedding this size and want one smaller or 2) get married at all regardless of the wedding size, then we need to discuss this. 

Post # 14
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

MrsHistory-Bee:  here’s the thing. It’s NOT unreasonable for someone to want to treat their friends to a good time. Even when that person is on a tight budget. It’s obvious that the two of you have different priorities and you need to compromise, which means finding some common ground somewhere. If he enjoys treating his friends, he shouldn’t have to give that up entirely. He needs to cut back. You need to meet him halfway. But before you can do that, you have to acknowledge that, when people have different financial goals, they are each equally entitled to have those goals, and that compromise is a better long-term strategy than just putting your SO on a financial leash.

You need to figure out how to work as a team financially. If you can’t even figure out how to pay for a wedding together, then that lack of cohesion is going to lead to conflict later in life.

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