Weddingbee boards

My fiance never came. It was the shower. He went to his sister's a year ago though! At the end to have cake and help carry out the gifts.

Since his mother and sister are loony, they were odd from the start. They never came up to me to say hello, I had to go to them... none of them came over to me for pictures... just acted weird and fake.

My fiance decided he'd come at the end, so I called him at the beginning of cake! But his mother and sister left and so the rest of their family followed. It was really weird. They had nowhere else they had to be. It was weird.

So I called my fiance and said cake and coffee is starting, do you want to come now? He said yeah in a minute he'll be on his way.

Then he calls me back angry saying his sister just called him saying she left and why would I call him after his family left? They left the moment I was done unwrapping gifts!!!

So, tell me, why didn't his mother or sister call him to come? I called him when I said I would... was I supposed to interrupt gifts and say "everyone, excuse me, I have to call my fiance to come here now!"

They rushed the hell out of there before the end... it was just weird... it's like, I didn't even have a chance. And I am so so upset... he never went and now we're in a huge fight over it. He just keeps saying he can't stand me, I suppose that's rather than him saying they weren't wrong. All my relatives thought it was so weird, even ones that had no idea his family was loony.

I just feel so upset... why'd it have to be this way? Everyone was asking when he'd come, even the waitresses!! I don't even know why he couldn't just come on his own...

He's saying he can't stand you?  That's mean.

I honestly think I need to call up his mother and just confront her about this but I'm really nervous.. never could have foreseen myself confronting her. wish I didn't have to, shouldn't he? I don't think he ever would though. Or should I really give him a chance to do this? I can't imagine him saying anything to her though. 

@Evie19: oh I've been confronting him alright... I've let it alllll out to him. However, the dust has not yet settled. I wonder if I should hold off on any confronting of his mother until that point?

It's like he avoids the subject of whether he would or wouldn't. I doubt he would though, they have him so wrapped around their fingers, they can "do no wrong." He just throws words at me when I ask him if/when he's going to. He has even gone as far as offering to put his mother on the phone, which is weird... that is not the way it is to be done. To me that's the equivalent of saying "I'm not on your side."

Yeah definitely this has to be settled NOW... I just wish I knew how to do it the best way. Because right now I'm very hurt and upset, it's hard to speak with him calmly, and like I said the dust has not settled yet so we haven't spoken since last night when I laid it all out for him.

This is also, well, since the engagement, the first time I've ever really confronted the issue of his family (as before we were engaged I felt it was not my place), as him siding with them always is not new. I don't know if this is something that typically has hope or not but I've got a couple more months to try and work on things... it just does not seem fair, all the stuff that's been going on with them.

@missmouse29:Like

This whole thing is just crazy... I have no clue what to do, he simply will not take my side and just writes it off as me being annoying! (classic avoidance of the issue at hand)

My entire family and extended family saw with their own eyes what happened that day and thought it was absolutely ridiculous with them up and leaving so early. My aunt came up to me with tears in her eyes saying this is beyond bad what they've done and that she's worried about me if they've been able to get him against me like this.

I'm only just now focusing solely (in our most recent conversations) on what his mother/sister did and how things have been in regards to them to date. I wish I could get a straight answer of what he thinks about what they did. 

One of you mentioned counseling, I did bring this up to him but he said he wasn't interested.

I figure, I'LL go to counseling... see if he wants to go... but I'll be going in the meantime to gain confidence and "survival" tactics in case this does not work out. We have been together more than a decade so this is not easy, and I know I'm going on and on but... I still can't believe what happened and what they've been doing. I can't imagine our wedding going very well, if we make it that far.

@Treasure43: our wedding is in only a couple of months! I don't think we picked the date (knew the date, rather) at the time I signed up, but I don't really want the exact date there... for any shred of anonymity, as if this situation is not particular enough!

I would not marry someone without doing premarital counseling, and I made it clear to my DH that that's how it was. Luckily, our church required it, so it was a nonissue.

In any case, if this is a common issue (actually, just him uttering the words "can't stand you") would make me put the breaks on the wedding ASAP. I wouldn't step a foot on the aisle. It's so much easier to break an engagement than a marriage.

I think you two seriously need pre-marital counseling. If it's not an option, you two need some serious discussion. Things that need to be considered. You are marrying him - and his family will be apart of your lives. If either of these are causing issues, they won't stop when you're married. They'll intensify. And the results won't be pretty.

Thank you got all of the advice!

A lot of things going on because of his mother/sister causing problems. But he always sides with them. Is that not wrong?

I told him 100% how I feel about them and things they've done to interfere in our relationship (which got worse as soon as we got engaged) and his response was just to not have his sister be a BM and have her on his side... just not recognizing the issue... I'm really confused, he says it's "off" but we have been here before. It feels like nothing in the planning has been happy, either from drama they are causing or just him and I arguing. We have been together more than a decade, I worry of things I said last night about the mother/sister but I'm at my wit's end.

I talked to my aunt who gives sound advice and she said there may be no reasoning with him because it's just not how he was raised-- its hard to remember all she said but it all comes down to can I deal with it or not, well, I'm not happy w/how things are going.