My fiance really hurt my feelings…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@dreamer1288:  Dude. That’s an awful thing to say to someone you love and respect. Although I understand if someone is going through a tough long-term thing it is hard to always be perfectly supportive…. but still. You are totally justified in being pissed. I can’t imagine someone saying that to me. You can do anything you want to and he should be helping you be able to go to school if that’s important to you. Just my two cents but that is all pretty shitty to say to you.

Post # 4
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow, I would be sad too! It sounds like your FI is frustrated with the situation too, but expresses it in different ways. I’m hopeful that he is supportive of your goals, but maybe he feels bad about the financial situation (men tend to be the breadwinner and he may feel insecure he can’t help you).

When you have stopped crying, can you and FI have a calm discussion about the situation, how you feel about it and what solutions you have? Trying to talk it out may enlighten you to why he said what he did, and enlighten him to why you have been so down in the dumps. You can also try to explain to him what he can do to help make you feel better. Just don’t say “listen to me, try to understand my feelings”, most guys perfer an action that has a definitive end result, such as “make me laugh”, “help out around the house more”, or “help me make and stick to a tighter budget”.

I hope you things work out for the school/work situation.

Post # 5
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@dreamer1288:  That is terrible. I cannot imagine my husband ever saying that, even in anger. Everyone says things they don’t mean at times (except for the perfect folks with perfect relationships) but saying that you should kill yourself? That’s a little extreme and you are totally justified in feeling how you do. I would be…I don’t even know what I would be.

I can say that it is really annoying and depressing to be around people who always complain and mope. If you are actually depressed, I hope that you get treatment. If you aren’t, then I hope you are taking the steps to improve your life rather than just complaining about it. Our partners should be our sounding boards but it isn’t fair to constantly drag them down.

Regardless, he shouldn’t have said it and he did apologize. The rest is up to you.

Post # 6
Member
9219 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@dreamer1288:  That was a very hurtful thing to say to you and I’m glad he apologized.  However, I will caution you to pay attention to whether this is something that was out of character for him and he was expressing frustration or if he generally has a go-to lashing out response to your stress.  What he said was unfair to you, because everyone has stress at times and everyone needs to vent at times.  No matter how down or grouchy or stressed out I was I can’t imagine my husband ever saying anything like that to me.  I hope your FI never does that again. 

Last weekend my husband and I were on our way home from a trip and got caught in some festival traffic in a small town that caused a delay of about 30 minutes.  The whole time I was really being obnoxious – bitching, moaning, complaining and whining because I wanted us to get home in time to watch a football game.  The only thing my husband said about my behavior was, “Honey, talking about how bad this is is not making it get any better.”  And he said it in a calm and kind way.  I felt about an inch big, let me tell you, and I immediately apologized to him and gave a hormonal excuse, lol.

Question for you – can’t you find a less expensive car expensive?  $2,000 down seems pretty high to me.   

Post # 7
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@dreamer1288:  Uh no, that is a REALLY mean thing to say. But to play devil’s advocate, he probably wasn’t thinking about the import of his words and just threw that out in the heat of his anger. Still, you need to talk to him later about how much his words hurt you and ask him not to say that to you again. Telling someone to kill him/herself is not to be thrown around! As for your situation, try to take it one step at a time, one day at a time, to help feeling overwhelmed by everything at once. Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

Chalk this up to him being a guy?  HELL NO.  My man would NEVER say something like that to me.  I would have a serious talk to him about how inappropriate and unforgivable it is for him to speak to you like that.  This is your time of need.  How dare he treat you like this?  How will he treat you if, God forbid, something even worse happens to you?

Nip this in the bud quick.

Also, FWIW, I think you should just keep on chuggin’ and get that degree.  The same thing happened to me where I had to start doing school part-time because of work.  It took me six years to get my BS degree, but darnit I did it.  You can too!

Post # 10
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

That is a SERIOUSLY horrible, insensitive thing to say!

Does he have any basis for saying school might not be for you? Because I think that’s pretty awful, too! He should be supportive of you.

Post # 11
Member
3519 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

That is SO not okay.  Definitely keep that in the mental filing cabinet, apology or no.  He should be the one person you can count on for support!

Post # 12
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

Aside from the jackass thing he said, which is obvious– I think you should at least explore the option that he is frustrated too. How would you feel if your SO was always waxing on about how hard it all is, how unhappy or stressed they are, etc. It is a drain, so even though what he said was really uncalled for, he may be “right” that your attitude has been less than desirable to be around.

 

Post # 14
Member
6740 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Thats a shitty thing to say.  Why would he say that to someone he loves?  Unacceptable.

Post # 15
Member
4367 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

There’s really no way to sugarcoat that one – that was an extremely fucked up thing to say.

That being said, I am glad he apologized.  I am wondering if you are both not communicating about your needs/feelings on a more regular basis where you understand what each person needs.  We tend to fall into that rut where we think the other person just “knows” and we expect support – but it ultimately turns into frustration and resentment.  Just a thought.

Post # 16
Member
6503 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Wow that is really mean. I would be very hurt and upset. My DH has said some extremely hurtful things to me in the past but has never even come close to saying something like that. 

I understand that he may be frustrated and that it’s difficult trying to support someone going through a hard time but it sounds like this is actually a rough patch you are going through (instead of you being a serial whiner). I know someone else brought this up, but seriously, what is he going to do if something worse happens? 

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