Post # 1
This is more of a vent/rant. But this morning, my fiance and I were talking about getting me a new car. The one I have now needs so many repairs and is pretty much on its way out the door. We found one but he just realized this morning that I’ll probably have to pay insurance and the first car payment up front as well as the $2,000 down payment.. So that’s going to end up being almost $3,000… something I can’t do AND pay all my bills.
A few weeks ago, my manager, in so many words, told me I’d have to choose between finishing my degree and keeping my job… after I had been told upon being hired that I could continue focusing on school and they would be willing to work around a school schedule.. So I had to drop some classes in order to keep my job, something that I felt was responsible at the time.
So needless to say, I’ve been a little down the last couple weeks and really discouraged. Obviously, I know life isn’t fair and that things don’t always happen the way you wish they would, but… these two things are pretty important. If I don’t have a car, I can’t get to work.. If I can’t get a degree, I’ll never get the job I want. When my fiance and I were talking about school he said that maybe it isn’t meant for me to go to school and he continued to explain that some people just aren’t meant for it. This is coming from a man who has his masters.
This morning, I said “Apparently, I’m not meant to go to school, not meant to get a car..” and he said, “Well, then why don’t you just kill yourself. You’re always moping about things and talking about how bad your life is.” And then he stormed out of the room. This REALLY hurt my feelings and I’m actually trying not to cry right now. I felt like it was the most insensitive thing he had ever said to me. He later apologized and said he was wrong and explained that he would never want me to do something like that, he was just frustrated that I have been so upset lately.. He’s not the one who is actually going through these things!! And I’m typically a happy person, I just really hate my job and am desperate for a newer car (not even new, but one that one leave me stranded on the side of the road) and can’t get one.
Am I wrong for feeling so hurt? He did apologize but that doesn’t change the fact that he said it. Should I just chalk this up to him being a guy and saying something stupid?
Post # 3
@dreamer1288: Dude. That’s an awful thing to say to someone you love and respect. Although I understand if someone is going through a tough long-term thing it is hard to always be perfectly supportive…. but still. You are totally justified in being pissed. I can’t imagine someone saying that to me. You can do anything you want to and he should be helping you be able to go to school if that’s important to you. Just my two cents but that is all pretty shitty to say to you.
Post # 4
Wow, I would be sad too! It sounds like your FI is frustrated with the situation too, but expresses it in different ways. I’m hopeful that he is supportive of your goals, but maybe he feels bad about the financial situation (men tend to be the breadwinner and he may feel insecure he can’t help you).
When you have stopped crying, can you and FI have a calm discussion about the situation, how you feel about it and what solutions you have? Trying to talk it out may enlighten you to why he said what he did, and enlighten him to why you have been so down in the dumps. You can also try to explain to him what he can do to help make you feel better. Just don’t say “listen to me, try to understand my feelings”, most guys perfer an action that has a definitive end result, such as “make me laugh”, “help out around the house more”, or “help me make and stick to a tighter budget”.
I hope you things work out for the school/work situation.
Post # 5
@dreamer1288: That is terrible. I cannot imagine my husband ever saying that, even in anger. Everyone says things they don’t mean at times (except for the perfect folks with perfect relationships) but saying that you should kill yourself? That’s a little extreme and you are totally justified in feeling how you do. I would be…I don’t even know what I would be.
I can say that it is really annoying and depressing to be around people who always complain and mope. If you are actually depressed, I hope that you get treatment. If you aren’t, then I hope you are taking the steps to improve your life rather than just complaining about it. Our partners should be our sounding boards but it isn’t fair to constantly drag them down.
Regardless, he shouldn’t have said it and he did apologize. The rest is up to you.
Post # 6
@dreamer1288: That was a very hurtful thing to say to you and I’m glad he apologized. However, I will caution you to pay attention to whether this is something that was out of character for him and he was expressing frustration or if he generally has a go-to lashing out response to your stress. What he said was unfair to you, because everyone has stress at times and everyone needs to vent at times. No matter how down or grouchy or stressed out I was I can’t imagine my husband ever saying anything like that to me. I hope your FI never does that again.
Last weekend my husband and I were on our way home from a trip and got caught in some festival traffic in a small town that caused a delay of about 30 minutes. The whole time I was really being obnoxious – bitching, moaning, complaining and whining because I wanted us to get home in time to watch a football game. The only thing my husband said about my behavior was, “Honey, talking about how bad this is is not making it get any better.” And he said it in a calm and kind way. I felt about an inch big, let me tell you, and I immediately apologized to him and gave a hormonal excuse, lol.
Question for you – can’t you find a less expensive car expensive? $2,000 down seems pretty high to me.
Post # 7
@dreamer1288: Uh no, that is a REALLY mean thing to say. But to play devil’s advocate, he probably wasn’t thinking about the import of his words and just threw that out in the heat of his anger. Still, you need to talk to him later about how much his words hurt you and ask him not to say that to you again. Telling someone to kill him/herself is not to be thrown around! As for your situation, try to take it one step at a time, one day at a time, to help feeling overwhelmed by everything at once. Good luck.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
Chalk this up to him being a guy? HELL NO. My man would NEVER say something like that to me. I would have a serious talk to him about how inappropriate and unforgivable it is for him to speak to you like that. This is your time of need. How dare he treat you like this? How will he treat you if, God forbid, something even worse happens to you?
Nip this in the bud quick.
Also, FWIW, I think you should just keep on chuggin’ and get that degree. The same thing happened to me where I had to start doing school part-time because of work. It took me six years to get my BS degree, but darnit I did it. You can too!
Post # 9
@Sunfire: Thank you for your reply. It was a bit out of character for him and I was stunned and speechless when he said it. I know he is sorry but my feelings are still hurt.
In order to get a loan from the bank, they have set limits.. It has to be a 2010 or up with low miles for them to approve it. It has been difficult to find one that hasn’t been more than I could afford. I’m considering finding one on Craigslist with lots of miles but I don’t want to be in the same boat in a year or two.
@MrsPanda99: I agree it’s really frustrating being around a depressed person but the thing is is that I’m not a depressed person.. I’m a happy person who is going through a rough patch and this is how he responds. I’m trying to find a new job but haven’t had much luck but I am still going to keep trying.
Post # 10
That is a SERIOUSLY horrible, insensitive thing to say!
Does he have any basis for saying school might not be for you? Because I think that’s pretty awful, too! He should be supportive of you.
Post # 11
That is SO not okay. Definitely keep that in the mental filing cabinet, apology or no. He should be the one person you can count on for support!
Post # 12
Aside from the jackass thing he said, which is obvious– I think you should at least explore the option that he is frustrated too. How would you feel if your SO was always waxing on about how hard it all is, how unhappy or stressed they are, etc. It is a drain, so even though what he said was really uncalled for, he may be “right” that your attitude has been less than desirable to be around.
Post # 13
@LMD: Thank you so much for the encouragement. I agree, if something even worse were to happen, I’m not sure how he would handle it. He’s always got a solution for everything and he had a pretty smooth college experience and had scholarships to pay for everything.. it just happens to be that I am having to pay for college myself so if I don’t have a job, I can’t pay for it, but having a job makes it nearly impossible to keep going. I work full-time so finding night classes at the university in town has been difficult. But thanks again. It’s nice to see someone who accomplished things while in the same boat as me.
Post # 14
Thats a shitty thing to say. Why would he say that to someone he loves? Unacceptable.
Post # 15
There’s really no way to sugarcoat that one – that was an extremely fucked up thing to say.
That being said, I am glad he apologized. I am wondering if you are both not communicating about your needs/feelings on a more regular basis where you understand what each person needs. We tend to fall into that rut where we think the other person just “knows” and we expect support – but it ultimately turns into frustration and resentment. Just a thought.
Post # 16
Wow that is really mean. I would be very hurt and upset. My DH has said some extremely hurtful things to me in the past but has never even come close to saying something like that.
I understand that he may be frustrated and that it’s difficult trying to support someone going through a hard time but it sounds like this is actually a rough patch you are going through (instead of you being a serial whiner). I know someone else brought this up, but seriously, what is he going to do if something worse happens?