My fiancé watches porn while I sleep. I need help!

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, I would be more offended that he was looking at local women on Facebook as opposed to porn stars. That’s just gross and absolutely unacceptable. I don’t care about who my FI is friends with, or who he talks to, but just sitting there looking at them?? I wouldn’t tolerate that around here. He needs a swift kick in the a**.

Post # 3
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

It’s worse that he is looking at local Women on facebook, that’s really not right and I don’t think you are overreacting. With a situation like this, calmly tell him how it makes you feel when he does this. Try not to get angry otherwise it’ll cause another argument, if he gets angry, stay calm. But you need to talk about this. If he can’t see where you’re coming from maybe he isn’t the right guy for you. Good luck

Post # 4
Member
673 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m sorry, that would NOT fly by with me. I put my foot down from the beginning about porn. Some couples think it’s okay and I, personally, consider it cheating. I feel like they are creating a connection with someone else that they aren’t with you and then that takes the “you” time away. Take away my personal opinion and say I do find it acceptable: a) you would NOT be doing it while I’m in bed with you. b) you would NOT be pushing me away to pleasure yourself with other girls and c) you most definitely would NOT be looking at locals on Facebook. It’s maybe understandable if you guys were long distance and he never got to see you, but not to push you away to look on Facebook. I mean, at least with porn stars, it’s not like you can meet up with them. They are doing it for a living. Locals would be a major no. If something makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay and he should be fixing this with you. If he’s not willing, that would be crossing the line for me. Only you know what you want to live with, though. 

 

Also: If those girls aren’t portraying themselves as porn stars, that is so disrespectful to them and their privacy and also totally disgusting on his part. 

Post # 5
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee

Personally, porn doesn’t bother me. My FI isn’t into it, but I wouldn’t care if he was. It’s the fact that your FI looks at local women on FB. That’s what goes too far, in my eyes. No freaking way.

Post # 6
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m okay with porn – it’s all just fantasy. Looking at local chicks on facebook isn’t okay, I would be pretty mad about that.

Post # 7
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Uhh no way in hell would I let this happen! I have the same views as FutureMrsKHBD. That is completely unacceptable. You need to put your foot down with him and make it clear that you are not going to tolerate that. He is engaged to you, he shouldn’t be lusting over other women… and pushing you away so that he can?!?! Are you kidding me! I would probably rip his phone out of his hand and throw it at the wall. LIke I would never let that fly. Luckily my husband doesn’t do that and both of us made a decision at the beginning of our relationship that neither of us would look at porn because we didn’t like the idea of lusting over anyone else.. period!

I have no respect for the married guys or guys in relationships who are always commenting on or liking pictures on Facebook of other women who are scantily clad. I think it’s gross and so disrepectful! 

Post # 8
Member
6515 posts
Bee Keeper

While porn doesn’t generally bother me, if your FI is choosing to get off on it instead of engaging with you–when you are actively “making it so you were an option” as you say–that’s where I think it’s not so harmless.

Post # 9
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

I do not think looking at porn is cheating, or bad. I think its normal. I do it, my fiancee does it. No big deal. 

Looking at girls on facebook i would have a bigger problem with, as that could lead to chatting, online flirting, even meeting up. That part would be a deal breaker for me. 

Post # 10
Member
7219 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I agree with PP that he chooses porn over you and that’s not okay no matter how you feel about porn. Also, I flinched when I read that he pushed you away and kept doing it. That is so unloving and almost contemptuous. 

so sorry bee, but I think you are right to stand your ground on this one.

Post # 11
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Come on the OP said she was unwell. I don’t know about you but having sex with my partner when he is unwell is not at the top of my to do list. I don’t want to catch it. He did this once when she was ill, not every time she initated sex.

The fb stuff is probably something you need to talk to him about. From his comment about another rule given by you it sounds like he feels like you are always telling him off and setting the rules/boundaries for your relationship. That is troubling because it sounds like he feels like you always have to have your way which isn’t cool. I think you guys need to discuss a lot more than just this incident.

I will also point out that there is nothing wrong with looking at porn. If you have a problem with your partner looking at porn and you are unwilling to compromise then you need to go out there and find another partner that shares you views rather than browbeating someone else into changing their view to make you happy, especially when your current partner clearly feels differently about the situation.

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years ago by  j_jaye.
Post # 12
Member
4916 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

He’s pushing you away to masturbate to pictures of real life local women on FB?  I’d find that completely revolting & unacceptable.

Men looking at porn is one thing, it seems pretty average behavior.  But this is something else entirely.

Post # 13
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee

Simr44@gmail.com:  This is a tough one because it covers a few different issues (in my opinion).

First of all, in my eyes, porn is fine. I watch it, he watches it, sometimes we watch it together. It’s all about fantasy and helping you get excited and I don’t see anything wrong with that. However, if he is searching out local girls on FB this is a bit disturbing. I’m presuming if the photos are on FB they are not typical ‘PORN’ images. This is very disrespectful of your FI, as these girls are not putting the photos up to be used in that way. It is also disrespectful to you as it means he is getting something out of it more than just the typical “seeing boobs and getting horny” sort of reaction. These are friends of friends, people that live near you, women he may meet or come across in his everyday life, and that is NOT ok by me. That takes it away from being a fantasy and on to a more ‘real life’ level.

Also, what? He was in bed next to you? Regardless of how sick I am or if I am already asleep or if I said no, if my FI wants some ‘alone time’ he goes to another room. Full stop. I would kick him in the butt if he tried anything like that while I was in the bed. 

Regarding him choosing ‘some naked woman on the internet over you”… That’s a tough feeling to get over. Were you an option in terms of sex or did you just try to stop him and cuddle? You said that you were sick and unwell. I understand that you wanted some cuddles, and that is totally fair enough, but I don’t see anything wrong with him wanting to satisfy his needs by masturbating (remember though, I do think that doing it in the bed while you were there is wrong). 

Post # 14
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Have you ever seen a movie called Don Jon? I felt like as a girl, it answered a lot of questions to me about guys and porn, and how they can create a barrier with the real life emotions connected to sex.  Im not saying that everyone who watches porn has an unhealthy appetite but some men do developed emotional issues.

My FI is a little older than me and he has admitted to treating women so terribly in his 20’s, almost disposable with no emotion becasue that is how they are portrayed in porn. you finish one, you can log on and watch another, it is never ending.  When he turned 30 he relised enough was enough and that porn was the reason he couldnt connect with people correctly.  So he totally cut it out of his life and doesnt regret it at all, he is also very open about it. I think he is brave about it, he mentions to friends (if the topic comes up) that he hasnt watched porn in 5 years – they all make fun of him and say he is lying or saying it becausae i am in the room – where i have to chim in and say i dont have a problem with porn (if it is used correctly).

Again im not saying that your FI views you this way.  I do think though watching porn in the bed while you are sick is emotionally damaging to you and the fact he doesnt relise this may stem from those barriers and disconnection that porn creates.

On a side note though I consider myself a feminist and believe that all women should be treated with the upmost respect, i couldnt handle a man watching porn all the time as it is a disrespectful way to view women.  Also everyone else in the chain is correct that the facebook issue is ridiculous and in my opinuon predetory.  Think about how you would feel if a man you have never met before but lives in your area was trolling you on your private social media, it is an extremely creepy predetory thing to do and very scary to think men out there could be viewing our profiles like that. 

I do think people can change but they need to want to change for themseleves, and that might happen if you explain how devestating these issues are to you.  If he doesnt want to change after relising how much he is hurting you – that again is another issue.  GOOD LUCK X

 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
3341 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow he was masturbating next to you in bed to other women!?!? WTF!? He sounds like he has zero respect for you. I’m sorry you are in this situation. You have every right to be upset and stand up for yourself. The whole “well I did this before we were in a relationship and it’s a hard habit to break” is NOT an excuse to look at local women on FB! He is clearly not ready to commit to a relationship. 

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