My Fiancee and I keep fighting…8 months away from wedding day

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Chinwe82:  Can you make some cutbacks so that he doesn’t have to be gone all the time? My SO was away most of our planning due to his career and it was super hard being apart but my feelings never went away. If being with him is great then you know nothing has changed! It is 8 months out so do you think you should put up with this for that long? I would say that you can either take off his stress and just pay the majority or cutback so that he can help a bit more. The final option would be to just deal with it but that won’t really fix your problem 🙁

 

Post # 4
Member
6505 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Chinwe82:  are you able to cover more of the wedding or cover some of his costs so that he can work less? I (personally) would much rather have him not contribute to the wedding and be home more.

Post # 6
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Chinwe82:  Can you have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you are feeling? That the money means less to you than the time with him and see if he feels the same?

Post # 7
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s definitely not good for your relationship to put money over time together. Question, is he trying to get to a specific amount goal or is he just busting his butt to earn as much as humanly possible at any cost?

 

If there is no amount, or event or something that he is working towards paying for, it might be a good idea to come up with one. Then he can actualy budget his time,and his work load, based on how much you two decide you need. Without a goal in mind, it’s probably hard for him to step back and realize it’s ok not to work 24/7. But maybe knowing he is paying for rehearsal for example, and that he has until July of NEXT YEAR to come up with that money, let’s him, know how much overtime he actually needs to make each month. It would probably be better to do this than just say well I want to contribute as much as I possibly can financially. Without a goal, even if he comes up with thousands of dollars, he may still feel bad that he didn’t come up with more, even though what he did was more than enough.

ETA: You could get all traditional on him and put him in charge of the thigns the groom “traditionally” pays for, like the honeymoon. That may also give him some relief, and a goal.

Post # 8
Member
2675 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

I think you need to sit down with him and explain that time with him is more valuable to you than money. That you miss him so much it is not worth it to you for him to be gone all the time. My FI had talked about getting a second job for much the same reason. We talked about it though and I told him that I really would miss seeing him. I didn’t think it was worth our quality time together (and quality time is my primary love language) or the stress it would put on him. He will still bring it up occasionally that he should be contributing more but I just try to tell him that by being present and spending time with me, that IS contributing.

When I first met FI he did work two jobs so I know what it would be like – not something I wanted to go back to. I was so happy when he got his current job and didn’t need to work two jobs anymore. His current job is enough for him to support himself.

Post # 9
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Chinwe82:  I am not in the exact same situation as you- but very similar.

My FI works 4am-2pm.  Doesn’t sound so bad, right?  WRONG.

He works six days a week- so getting up that early six days a week.  You’d think we have all afternoon to just hang out and chill and relax (I’m not working right now)- but we don’t.  We have things that have to get done- and when we aren’t getting things done (like right this munute, foe example)- I’m on the sofa, and he is, too.  But he’s sleeping because he’s so exhausted LOL  

I’m not mad at him- but his job takes a MAJOR toll.  We don’t even get to have sex as often as we used to- because I have a five year old- we can’t do it when he’s awake.  He goes to bed at 8pm.  But by the time he’s asleep and, so is FI!!  LOL  

 

All I can tell you is this:  I completely understand how you’re feeling and where you are coming from- FI and I are awesome together, but we really started to- I don’t want to say argue- but not be the same- after he started this job.  It really messes up our schedule, and we NEVER get a date night because by the time Saturday rolls around, he’s so tired from getting up so early every day that he’s just wiped by the time work is over on Saturday.

 

Be happy you have a man who is WILLING to do this for you- not all men would.  I have to remember that FI is totally cool with me not working while he has a really gross schedule- it reminds me I should be thankful + figure out ways to be supportive (he’s contantly looking for new work!)–

 

If you get through this- then maybe after the wedding you might want to have FI get a different, less crazy-scheduled job- and as long as you make enough money- then you be the bread winner while he works part time and goes back to schooL?

Post # 10
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m going to go against the majority here.  I can completely relate to where you’re coming from my FI is in school full time, works full time and on weekends for his own business.  Monday to Friday he’s gone 5:30am to 10pm and works Saturday and often Sunday as well.  This has been the status quo for the last 6 weeks, we barely see each other and I’ve been doing a lot of the wedding planning on my own.  That being said I understand that he’s doing this for us, not for him.  There have been days that I have felt some resentment because we don’t get to see each other or spend time together.  The odd night that he’s home early he wants to just relax and play video games, catch up with friends.  We actually sat down to talk about it because my main concern was that he was going to get burnt out and I felt like there was some distance growning between us.  He agreed that he needed to slow down a bit and spend a little more time focusing on our relationship so we’re trying to do a date night every other week and we’ve planned a weekend get away for the end of the month, just one night away focusing on each other.  I suggest trying the same thing, agree to every other Friday or Saturday as a date night, and spend that evening reconnecting.  It is definitely hard and I can completely understand where your coming from, what I try and do is focus on the fact that he’s doing this for us and that even though it’s hard on me, it’s even harder on him.  It’s not going to go on forever, so I just really focus on making the time that we do have together really count.

Post # 12
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Chinwe82:  I’m in a very similar situation. I just keep reminding FI that it’s not your money and my money anymore, it’s our money. We’re a team, and we work as a team. There was a time in our relationship where I was making terrible money and he supported me, now roles are reversed. Sometimes it’s annoying knowing I’m paying most of the bills for our living expenses and for the wedding, but I know he’s doing what he can, and he’s actively trying to get a better job and bring it more money. Whenever he wants to contribute to the wedding I let him know the other ways he can contribute that would really help me out – things like sweeping the floors, picking up groceries, etc. That way we can make the most of the time we get to spend together.

Post # 13
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Chinwe82:  Well… you either need to be ok with him being gone (which is good for all healthy relationships) or be ok with him contributing less financially.

Maybe you can suggest a few things that you can cut from your (his) budget that would free up “wedding money” so he doesn’t have to work so much?  Like the extra 100 channels of DishTV, or eating out 3x a week.  If you’re home more you can meal plan and cook and save (him) money on groceries.  Even if it’s really just you spending the money so he doesn’t have to – let him feel like you’re both making a sacrifice so you can spend more time together. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors