My fiancee cancelled our wedding 2 months before the day.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

There lies the problem. HE doesn’t want to go back because it makes him focus on his issues. I think individual counseling would be beneficial for both of you. You need help on moving on in a healthy manner from your brothers death since you aren’t getting the help at home (please don’t take how I phrased it badly) and he needs to  help moving past his issues. Maybe you two should take a week or two apart and clear your heads. 

Post # 4
Member
42453 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am sorry for the loss of your brother. Everyone grieves differently and everyone tries to help differently. Speaking in generalities, your FI sounds pretty typical in that he attempted to “fix” you. Many men do this when women really just want them to listen.

I agree with the pp’s suggestion that you both seek individual counselling before you make any decisions about the future.

Post # 6
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Im so sorry to hear of your loss 🙁 I just randomly came back checking out this site and your post stood out to me because I dealt with similar upon getting married. I divorced now though because my ex husband could not put me first and let his family run his life, long story short, Like the wedding stuff is telling

I lost my father right before the wedding and we had the opposite problem. I wanted to push forward but he wanted to wait because it would give the family time to control and dictate what we did. 

it’s good you two have been to counseling but absolutely do not go through with the wedding right now. Keep it called off. The fact he doesn’t want to go to counseling… because it’s bringing up sensitive issues with his family… That he wants to, what, ignore? Brush under the rug? Not deal with. Not fix, not confront. That’s not good. 

I’d tell him, you’re right to have called it off because there’s issues here that we need to deal with. Don’t put it on him as it will put him on the defense, make it about we. As it truly is about the two of you. But the family needs to back off, it’s not up to them and they need to stop worrying about what you two do or what your husband to be is going to wear. NOT their place. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  sarahmay85.
Post # 7
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Marriage is for better and for worse. I’m sorry about your loss. If the two of you can’t make it through this, what would happen later on in life? Ending things may be for the best. Your FI doesn’t sound like he can handle the hard times.

Post # 9
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m very sorry about your loss. Ckasnoff: is right, I think. You need individual counseling to deal with your unattended grief from your brother’s death as well as the loss of a 7 year relationship and all the dreams and plans you had Invested in that relationship. You also need to bump up your emotional intelligence skills as well as your assertive communication skills. Maybe then you’ll see that your fiancé (two e’s and it means you. Fiancé -> masculine; fiancée-> feminine) is actually not that emotionally smart. Why? Because when you were grieving he could t find a way to tell you “I feel so helpless cuz I can’t do anything to make you feel better…maybe I can just be here, or hold you, or fend off MY family’s attacks and pressure to give you a happy moment so that you’ll ‘snap out’ of this funk you’re in!” Maybe then you’ll think to yourself “wow I could  have told them ‘back off! I need space to figure out where my head is at!'”

And maybe then you’ll realize that even though you spent 7 years with that man and thought he was wonderful, he was wonderful for who you used to be for 6 of those years. Then Death came by and shook your world upside down and you acutely felt how YOU changed and how your new needs and wants were definitely not met by that relationship. You’re a different person now – you see the world and yourself differently, am I right? Which means, mourn your relationship all you want but you’re going to be very different and you’re going to need a very different relationship too.

And yes I know your couples’ counselor focused on him and his issues with his family which might have given you the wrong idea that HE was “more” at fault than you were. The truth is if you guys had stuck it out the counselor would’ve started pointing out your issues and responsibility in the matter as well. Those are the issues that you will focus on in individual counseling.

good luck OP, I’m rooting for you to realize you’ve changed and that’s ok, you just need different things and people around you that reflect that change!

Post # 10
Member
7208 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

msKnickers:  how hard it must be for you to face yet another possible loss right now. I’m so sorry. 

I wish I could say something more encouraging, but I really don’t see your FI as husband material from your post. You deserve someone who is a grown up, and who can support you through a loss instead of adding to your burden. His inability to stand up,to his family could be worked on if he were willing, but he is also blaming you for their actions, which is his way of avoiding responsibility for his failure to stand up. crises often reveal who is reliable and workable and who isn’t, right when you think you can’t take anymore pain:-( 

I am so sorry for your loss. 

Post # 11
Member
4894 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

He sounds like a very bad bet for the long haul as a husband.

Post # 12
Member
8009 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you had a chance to see his true colors- and the family you’d be dealing with. Id take some time for yourself and go to solo therapy, maybe stay else where for a week or two and listen to your inner most gut truth on this guy- maybe he’s not the one you should be betting your life’s happiness on- terrible, hard things happen in life and the point of a partner is to hold you up, love you, support you through these times- not make it worse. And if he didn’t instinctually know how to do it he should have been eager to learn how once he realized he wasn’t helping you.

I am SO SO sorry about your brother- I wouldn’t have been able to have a wedding that year or the next if I lost mine. So sorry bee **hugs**

Post # 13
Member
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery

 

msKnickers:  I am very sorry for your loss.  I’m sure you are feeling quite alone in the world right now.  I can “kind of” relate to a small part of your very difficult journey.  My situation is different than yours, but here is what I can offer as far as thoughts or advice:  My FI and I experienced a traumatic loss shortly before we started planning our wedding.  I thought that planning a wedding was going to distract me from the feelings I was still feeling regarding our loss.  Boy, was I wrong! I soon realized that planning this wedding was making me anxious and depressed.  I have been having such a hard time trying to figure out why.  I repeatedly asked FI (and still do, less than a month away!) if we can just cancel the whole thing and get married with just he and  I.  He keeps insisting that he wants an actual wedding ceremony and reception with all of the special moments.  After reading your post, I realized why I’m feeling anxious/depressed…I don’t think I have truly moved on from our loss.  I was already reeling from the loss, hanging on by a thread.  Throwing a wedding on top of it was not the best idea.  My FI is a very supportive person in my life.  I’m so sorry that you have been going through this with an unsupportive partner  I really think that his calling the wedding off is going to benefit you emotionally in the long run.  He does not seem like someone that will be there for the long haul.  It seems as if he is wanting to quit before the real struggles of marriage even start!  If he is unwilling to continue therapy, that means that he is unwilling to confront his own emotions and help your potential marriage grow in a positive direction.  Thank you for sharing your story!  I certainly was able to see myself in it.  Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

Post # 15
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

msKnickers:  I think you should take all the time you need.

The pressure may be off now, because he cancelled, but actually this time is not about him, this is about you. Take a deep breath and take the time to heal and work through it yourself and with your counsellor, as you’re doing.

Acknowledge that FI at least tried to drag you up and out of your hard times, even if he couldn’t reach your depths to experience it himself. I wouldn’t blame him for not understanding your low, there really is nothing like losing a sibling, especially one who was going to be your ‘BM’ 😉  

It doesn’t mean this wedding is off for good, it just means you both need to be in a better place. It might take a year but it could be worth it. Keep it real. Don’t indulge in despair and make the effort but don’t rush it.

It takes time to recover from a shock but you’re doing everything you can, you told them to back off and when that didn’t really happen, your FI took charge because he saw you were so stressed out by them. I don’t blame him and it’s probably exactly what you need. What you don’t need is him yo-yo’ing at this time, but he is just scared that you’re going to stay this way and he can’t deal with it because it’s not the situation he’s used to.

You could try explaining that you weren’t crying about the thought of having the wedding, you were rather crying about not having the wedding on your terms. Anyone would cry about that! 

At the end you will enjoy your big day to the fullest and be feeling alright again. I know it!

Another suggestion I have is when you’re both ready to go ahead again, you do not tell anyone. Nobody. You plan everything yourselves, as low key as you want it and you inform everyone with ‘just enough time’ that they can get the time off if they’re working.

Whenever they ask: What about this, what about that —  just reply it’s all been taken care of (said in a firm but calm manner) and vary your response with: you’re going to love it.

This is going to work out.

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