(Closed) My Fiancé's brother called me racial slur….

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 3
7568 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

First of all, their behavior is completely unacceptable.

However, there’s still over a year until your wedding. I would try not to worry about it right now. FI and your relationship with his family (whether you decide to have one or not) is much more important than his whereabouts for one day. 

Post # 4
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would not have him there, and tell them why!    I wouldn’t care how it affected my relationship with the in laws.  


If no one can understand why, then too bad.

your FI of all people should understand.   He should have your back on this




Post # 5
38 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012


So sorry you’re going through this. I think your FI should man the fck up and let his brother know he’s a disrespectful piece of shyt and he will not stand at an altar if he doesn’t agree with your union!! You should not feel bad about not wanting him anywhere near you…

What will your FI do when his brother calls his offspring racial slurs? will he still be passive?

However, a marriage is 2 people against the world but you also marry a family when you marry someone (I have a bro-in-law that I BARELY speak to when he’s around b/c he’s degrading to others).

Communicae with your FI ad tell him how you feel. You don’t want to be angry and tense on one of the happiest days in your life. YOU and FI should be happy that day


Good Luck!

Post # 8
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@NJatTheDisco:  Their behavior is disgusting and unforgivable for sure, and I think you’re right that if your FI won’t support you on this you have larger issues!

I’ve had a somewhat similar, though much less severe, feeling about someone my FI is close to. I know that he’s joked around and said racial slurs in the past (before I met FI) and that FI found that behavior disgusting, but they were young and he was just trying to be shocking/funny and doesn’t really hold those beliefs. So this guy has used slurs denigrating myself/my family but never about me DIRECTLY, just when he was a stupid kid, and as long as I don’t see evidence he truly believes that I will try to have a good relationship with him…but I am not happy that he will be in my wedding party, TBH.

Since this was said about you directly, this is a really big deal, and impacts far more than just his place in your wedding IMHO. You have to decide what your and FI’s relationship with these two men will be /in general/ and then naturally that will be expressed in the wedding. If they are dead to you, of course don’t invite them. 

I think if they can make a sincere apology to you and convince you that they don’t hold hate in their hearts, you can see where to go from there. In terms of your relationship with FI’s family…they apologized to you and if they give you a hard time about any estrangement you can remind them that you appreciated that they agree that hurtful behavior like that is not okay, and you’re sure they can understand why you would not have a relationship with someone who abused you in that way. If they want to be in your life (not just your wedding!) they need to shape up!

Post # 9
1376 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@NJatTheDisco:  what a worthless waste of life those two are. I would tell your FI ASAP, don’t put it off, so you guys can come to an agreement and be united on it before any promises or plans are made. I don’t blame you for not wanting him there. Has he ever even apologized? (Not that that resolves anything as his comments point to a deep a issue with him)

Post # 10
2524 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@NJatTheDisco:  First off, I wouldn’t invite the cousin.  As for the brother, that would be such a struggle to have him at your wedding, I’m not sure I could be the bigger person and would allow that.  Using racial slurs is incredibly disrespectful and degrading.  If he can’t treat you with decency, he has no right to attend your wedding.  {{HUGS}}  I am so sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 11
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is awful and despicable, and sympathy from strangers doesn’t begin to say how awful this is. 

I am, however, going to break from the ranks here. Here is my take: you are starting a marriage, with a family. You have mostly everyone’s support now (except the terrible terrible aunt), but I think if you begin banning family members, no matter how awful they are, the blame might turn to you. This might sound overly calculating, but I think that you will put your marriage on better footing if you start it as the bigger person. That way, if they EVER pull stupid shit like this again, you will remain the saint. 

I would, however, phrase it to your FI like this: “Listen, just thinking about your brother makes me furious and want to cry. I almost don’t want him anywhere close to our wedding on our day. But I know he is your brother. What can we do to ensure that our day will be amazing and special if we have to allow him to be there.” Continue to emphasize that you won’t demand he not be there, but that you feel really awful about it. Maybe even talk to his understanding parents about it? 

Anyway, just another perspective. 

Post # 13
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@NJatTheDisco:  God people who behave that way make me ill, my father is terrible for that i have not spoken to him in 4 years …(he was emrbasing to be out in public with the things that would come out of his mouth i was terrorfied people would think i too must be close minded and backwards as well as classless) i think god every day my mom raised me with out much imput form him


I would think your inlaws family must be terribly humiliated. They were likly mortified he say such a thing about you let alone with you able to hear it I am sure they would unddrstnad wear you are coming form.


I do think b.c. they have never felt the hurt of those words they may have hard time wrapping their minds around a sorry is not good enough … i do think he should not be part of the wedding i think if he makes a formal appology it be easier for everyoe  if you alloud him to come 


that being said i can totally get why you don’t want him there i dont want my aunt at my wedding b.c. when i got engaged and started wedding planning she went … well lets not get carried away with this emgamgent thing *implying me getting married was like a big joke*  I don’t want her their b.c. she is not supportive of us …. its very clear ur brothers in law to be is not really supportive of you as a couple so i can totally see why anyone who is not supportive does not deserve to be part of the day


also she makes scenese …. do you feel 100% sure he wont say anything bad will worrying about that stress you out of thatsa case i feel you could voice that fear and worry as a soild reason not to want the racist small minded jerk at your wedding … he has no class at all saying that stuff


and it is totally possible no one else feel that way … my dad is more racist and homophoic sexist you name it ist then anyone else in my family 


his mother is a gypsy (if you don’t know they get alot of hate form europe if you say your gypsy there its pretty much the worst thing you can say with some groups of ppl) … my cousin is gay mean while my dad will not even eat food prepaird by someone who is gay thinks you will catch it shakes head looks down 


so some ppl are just plain backward and you don’t have any clue where they get it my guess is when they are in school in with really bad groups of ppl … bc family impact your views alot but friends do almost just as much so don’t worry about the whole family feeling that way … if they did they all say it to you they don’t they wouldnt even wanna go to the wedding if they really felt the way he speaks so dont even feel worried the family all thinks that way



Post # 15
6 posts

What an awful situation. My parents grew up in apartheid South Africa so I find situations like this incredibly distressing. I simply do not understand how people can still have that kind of backward mentality. Your post actually made me tear up.

I think his brother is 100% in the wrong (and wrong seems like too light of a word in this situation) but I also think that because of family dynamics you have to be careful how you handle this situation. I am of the opinion that you can never demand apologies from people but you can help educate them. I  think you should write FI’s brother a letter or email explaning how hurtful his words were. If after reading your letter he apologises and continues to behave in an acceptable manner then he should be allowed to come to the wedding. If he does not apologise then he should NOT be allowed to come. This way you have at least ‘made an effort’ (one which quite frankly you should not even have to make) and then you have a shield against any family members who complain that he is not invited.

Hugs and good luck.

Post # 16
3041 posts
Sugar bee

@NJatTheDisco:  I wouldn’t be marrying into that family to be honest. My fiancé would have had to cut his brother out for me to stay. It is just too much. 

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